I can't seem to find it. Yesterday was the date I moved out two months ago from my husband. I have never felt so low. I have never felt so sad. We talk maybe twice a month. He says he wants to fix it, and then does nothing to fix it. I told him to make a counseling appointment. He said in a couple months. I said no, it needs to happen soon. He then said three weeks. This is the end of the 3 week time period. No appointment has been made. I feel that he doesn't want to save the marriage. He doesn't want to go to counseling. I had set us up for counseling back in November. He blames and resents me for it. Told me the reason we are where we are today is because of that counseling. Sick. He is so sick and doesn't even know it. He is a therapist himself so of course he knows everything and he is "doing what he is supposed to be doing". I am foolish to continue to wait when he has given up. All of our wedding pictures have been taken down. I can't even pull myself together to take ours down. It breaks my heart. I know I can only work on me and fix myself. I have been so strong for 3 weeks, but today I am weak. Today I feel: worthless, horrible person, sad, weak, gripped with fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of making it on solely my income, peer pressure to "stick it out", failure, ashamed, foolish, low self esteem, no self worth, exhausted from his behavior, no trust from his broken promises, confused (does he want to fix it or not), blaming myself for failing at this marriage, miserable, feel like I am or we are abandoning our relationship/marriage, resentment, etc. , , I know most if not all of these things are not true. Its crazy how the AH can control your brain and you begin to believe this things. I think it's easier to believe them about yourself when the person you love the most is telling you some of that, add your own self doubt, and you have a recipe for a spiral downward into a sad dark place. A place of lies that you believe about your self. I am so tired of hear "you got married for a reason" etc. no one has had to walk one mile in these shoes to even understand what 5 years of this marriage has been like. I have picked him up every time supported him loved him. At my weakest darkest moment he has vanished. I thought moving out would bring light to the situation. Nope, it's like he never cared. As if we were never married. I am devastated. I feel like Im just being strung along and he is enjoying my suffering. When I tell him how I feel he tells me I m telling him how he feels and I am holding him hostage in text messages and phone calls. REALLY? We can't talk about our feelings anymore. It's crazy; I know I am not the crazy one. I am so sad that I can't even find an ounce of serenity. He is obviously not ready. I'm just going to back off and leave him alone. I need to set a date though, if no counseling by a certain time frame I need to go ahead and file. I know life shouldn't be this hard. I know I can be happy and not miserable. Maybe we just don't need to be together. It is just so sad because he REALLY is a wonderful person/man/provider/husband most of the time. I'm so conflicted. Maybe I am holding on to something that isn't there anymore. I just feel that if he really loved me and really wanted to fix it, he would set up, there would be action. Instead there is nothing. He doesn't have to change. He doesn't have to tell people I moved out. He doesn't have to go to a therapist with me.  He can just keep living like he has. I haven't heard from one person on his family. That is probably the most hurtful. His mom was like my mom. No one has asked if I am even ok. If this is fixed, I don't see how I could ever go to Thanksgiving or Christmas. I have never felt more unloved by people I thought were my family. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to regret leaving him, but I don't want to continue living in a marriage this way. We live apart don't speak but twice a month, and never see eachother. Don't talk about our issues, and pretend as if nothing is wrong. I am so broken inside. I can feel my heart shattering into a million pieces. It feels like all my bones breaking in my body at once. I never want to be leagally bound to another human being. Where is the serenity. How can I get some today. Reading isn't helping, meetings aren't helping, nothing is helping. I am too sad I think. I want to run as fast as I can and never look back, then do one of those eternal sunshine erasers to my memory. It would be so much easier that way.

Dear Blanche: I felt that way for a year or so after I divorced my husband. Getting out of bed was a chore. If not for my children, it wouldn't have happened at all. Lots of stored up pain that needed to be released and lots of financial hardship to go with it. I did all I could to help myself and when I had reached what I thought was my ending point, somebody that I'd worked with a few years prior that I really didn't like much and she didn't like me much either - just showed up out of the blue on a city street where I was walking away from a painful phone call with somebody I cared about who couldn't help me either. The gal took one look at me and said, "Gosh! You look awful. Here, take this. It changed my life."  She handed me a brochure to something that really did change my life and hounded me for weeks to get me to it. There was no telling her "no."   She was insistent, tenacious, maddening. I was polite on the outside and hated her on the inside for pushing me to do something I didn't think I wanted to do. This was way before caller ID, so there wasn't a call of hers I could avoid and no excuse she'd accept.

We ended up best friends. The invitation was to something that helped me deal with grief. My life changed dramatically. And truth for me is this:   When I got to the end of my rope and no human being (I was seeing a counselor, too) - including myself - could do anything to help me - HP stepped in and took over in ways that hindsight reveal to me only HP could do.

You have received much Al-Anon E/S/H in these posts. Please try to remember that these days will pass - what you're thinking and feeling won't last - and your HP knows exactly what you need and how to help you get it. (((B)))

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 26th of July 2013 09:15:49 PM

 Hi Blanche,

 

there are a lot of formulas and slogans that lead to serenity. But where I learned the most was through those who had it. By going to meetings and picking it up.

my ESH,

DavidG.

Dear Tom,  U said  "2. Your focus is on the A, AND on the "why" questions....  My wise old sponsor used to tell me to "focus on the whats, and not the whys - the whys will eat you up""

 

 

OMG, I needed to see that....i was always on the "why did he do?? why did she say??? why why why??? instead of  "WHAT IT IS"  that WHAT word prompts me to the solution....they WHY word keeps me stuck in victim mode.............ohhhh thank you for showing 

:) "what" questions definitely helps with finding solutions.
thank you, I'll definitely need to remember that.

Blanche,

Been there, the X A and I split after 26 years of marriage. He would have gone on forever the way things were.
but I suffered and so did my health.

I suffered even more after the split. It was like a withdrawal from a substance that wasnt good for me. The substance of dysfunction and madness that cycle that keeps you spinning.

You are at the beginning of change and yes its going to hurt like hell, but the storms don't last forever. We are always in flux, like everything else in this world, even your husband.

We never know the outcome of events. When My X and I split, we were able to remain friends and I was able to live my life
sanely and I did reach serenity. It took time even with the help of Alanon.

Life can get better than you even planned, there is suffering, there is joy and that will always be, suffering and joy are facts of life.
There is joy in our life when we work on our own self identity. There are no accidents on this planet. We all have to drink from the medicine of life. This is how we extract the poison. There is never a quick fix to happiness.

Putting blame on anybody doesnt help and trying to change the alcoholic is futile. Thru this experience with the Alcoholic husband, though you may not see it now, is all for your growth. Gratefulness is the word. You will see.

Stay with your program, do it dilligently even if you don't feel it. Serenity is not a certificate handed out at the end of a course of study. Its your life , live it, feel it. Suffer what there is to suffer enjoy what there is to enjoy. Then one day you will find joy most of the time and be grateful in it.

Hugs, Bettina