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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am in a 3 year relationship with a recovering alcoholic that has 14 years sober. I go through a rollercoaster of struggles with him anytime there is a major change in his life such as a new position at work, having to go to school for retraining, or even a new work schedule. I understand that he has to go to meetings to maintain his health and sanity, and to get through his struggles of these changes. For the past month he has been going to more meetings than usual, and I try to be supportive to him but I am having a really hard time with it. The meetings I get. What I don't get is as to why he has to stay out until 1-2am during the week and on one Friday night, he didn't roll in the door until 345am. He says I don't understand the fellowship of it, and the need to be around his AA friends. I am growing less patient with it because of his selfishness, and self-centred attitude around it. He says "its my problem I am mad that he stays out so late and if he needs to, he will stay out as long as he wants to get the support he needs from his friends." When he is out, after the meetings he ignores my calls or claims his phone has died. And for the record I am not the kind of person to call him constantly when he is out. I try to respect his time at his meetings. He does this at least 4 times every week. I feel neglected, resentful, and really really angry. I tried to talk to him about it, and I now sound like a broken record and I am getting tired of being mad. No matter what I say, it doesn't matter. I try to not be angry when I wake up at 1245am on a weeknight and he is not home and there is no call or even message from him but I cant get passed it. He asks me to share my feeling with him, and I do. It doesn't make a difference because he keeps doing the same thing over and over again. This makes me feel as if our relationship is not important to him, and I don't feel respected as a partner, and I definitely don't feel heard. He said this morning he "is trying to hold onto this relationship" and I wanted to ask him how he thinks he is doing that? What am I supposed to do with him. I am losing sleep trying to get to the bottom this, and am wondering if there is something I am missing. Part of me thinks that he is using AA as an excuse and a reason to not answer any of my questions, simply saying night after night "I don't know what your problem is, I was just at a meeting."
Hi Island, Have you been in Al-anon long?
I've been in Al-anon since 2005 and still feel the way you do MANY times.
What I have learned over the years are that many AA's are selfish not because they mean to be.
Whatever reason they are, it's theirs alone to deal with as we cannot change it.
When they are in recovery they can be extra selfish as they do not want to go back to the drinking.
Who really knows....but you cannot be stressing yourself out either. You need your peace.
It's definitely not easy dealing with an AH We can set boundaries that only we know whether we can handle or not and focus on things that will better our lives.....program, hobbies, career, other friendships, family, etc. Love to you- One day at a time
WOW....Ok, we know about him, what about YOU and your program????
are you going to meets???? do you have a sponsor??? are you working the steps???? et al????
I learned a hard lesson on *expectations* and I am gonna share it w/you...that is part of my step 12 work....spreading the good news of this program
You are *expecting* someone who has acted selfish, inconsiderate, "straight" (nobody I know stays out that late in a meet....not even me when I had my good alanon meeting and had FRIENDS in it...we hung out and chatted by only for an hour or two after meet) SO, I have a hard time "buying" int o the "i was at a meet" thingy....you expect him to do/treat you differently when Your efforts to change him have failed
So stick w/it and keep getting stomped on
OR
Get yourself into the alanon meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps and traditions and slogans, etc, AND make a life for yourself for YOU
only gravity is holding you where you are at...U can get up....dust off all his "stuff" and start taking care of you b/c you deserve a decent fellow who treats you right and prioritizes , yes, his program, but also puts a high value on his relationship....
Hes a boyfriend and doing this???? I can only imagine who he would be if you were married, when the "best foot forward" is tucked back in under his body......
If you want to stay w/him, that is your decision, but there is NO hope if you dont' start learning how to take care of you and put your needs first......Program will free you of this merry go round....You will grow in program, and maybe even decide to find a different direction to go.........that is up to you and your higher power which guides you IF U open up to it.
I do urge you to focus on you and your alanon program....let him to his own devices....You cannot change him....you cannot control him.....you can only change YOU...
Good luck, I hope U can find your footing in alanon...
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
If he's not drinking and he does this most often when he's going through a crisis - the most important thing - as I understand it - to a recovering A is their sobriety - nothing else. If he is drinking and telling you he's doing AA stuff - well - that's a different story. Sometimes AA recovery includes 12 step calls to other As and that could be until the wee hours of the morning. If it were me and I trusted that what I was seeing and hearing was legit, and I was committed to him and didn't want a different type of a relationship to a person who isn't an A, I think I'd drop my expectation and find other things to do with my time when he's going through crisis times. You've told him once how you feel. In Al-Anon I learned that anything more than this is trying to impose my will on my loved one - and I've failed at this many times but I'm learning to do the one time and no more.
Then I look for what I can do to help nurture myself with things and other people that I enjoy spending time with because trying to get my loved ones to be who I'd like them to be has not worked - 100% of the time. I spent years trying to make my husband do and be what he couldn't or wouldn't do and be in some areas. I finally was able to see with the help of my very wise Mom, I was wasting my time. He was who he was. I learned to love him for who he was and made the necessary changes I needed to make in my life.
There is no rule book for us when it comes to loving a person with this disease. Some of us stay. Some of us go. Some of us find alternative solutions to various issues that arise in the course of our relationship. Yet, I think we'd all agree that loving a person with this disease is more than challenging and requires a lot of effort on our parts to get or stay healthy and invested wisely in ourselves as people of value with assets, limits and needs.
Glad you're in Al-Anon. Thanks for your honest share. Your thoughts and feelings are certainly understandable and not unique to me - or to many of us at this board, I'll bet. Much support as you decide what is best for you in relationship to your BF.
