... and I guess they aren't going to go away until I take my power back.  I'm either being abandoned, banished or terrorized in the dreams.  What we don't resolve in daylight haunts us through the night?  I don't know.  I have so much going on and I feel like I'm dangling from a thin branch sticking out of a cliff.  I can't find the trust to let go.  I want to.  I make the promise each morning to keep focused on what I have and grateful but fear overrides the gratitude because it runs so much deeper and I'm just faking it until I make it.

In less than a year I've lost my mother, our home, my brother and now my job is being eliminated.  I have about three more months at work before I would be done.  All of our jobs have been eliminated and new jobs created and very few.  Some of those jobs have rolled out already. They look like the old jobs but with new titles and the people who had them didn't get them but yet they aren't able to leave until a month. If they do, they lose what's due to them financially.  They float around our workplace with nothing to do waiting to go as others sit in the newly assigned position.  The rest of us will come next.  I witness this every day. They tell us it's for the greater good, that they need the money for the cause.  The cause is an uncured illness and those of us who were once their loyal volunteers now employees are becoming stressed an ill as sacrificial lambs for their cause.  We know they're lying but they have media mogals in their pockets now and a mega ad campaign.  Who would believe us?  Who would care? So we hold one another up each day - in the ladies room crying with one another, on walks away from the workplace venting, with compliments and silly trinkets on desks to bring a smile to a face.  We've been pitted against one another to apply for jobs - jobs in which you can see your friend's position embedded.  My friend came to me and told me to apply for her job. She implored me not hold back on her account because hundreds of others would be applying.  She told me she would tell me anything about the job I would like to know and not to worry that she had faith that we would end up where we're meant to.  I didn't get called for any interviews you guys but I have a few months until my job posts under a new name perhaps, if it posts at all ... some have not.

It's the grieving...the disappointment, the watching people cry, the watching people pack away their favorite coffee cup and family pictures, the disgarding of those who took time away from their families and own lives to give time and money to something we believed in.  We trusted that it mean't something.  They lied and told us it did until they were done with us.

This is beyond changing my attitude... I've got some hard choices ahead.  Change is scary but not being true to myself is even scarier.  Thanks for reading.  TT