The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi. I've struggled with those same kinds of things, WI. I came to see that I was struggling not just with myself, but with cultural mores that made sense when women were at home for the most part, didn't work fulltime jobs outside the home, and saw their main function in the home to be that of the person who kept a clean, nurturing, safe and welcoming environment for family and friends. I had to break with a tradition that had been passed down from matriarch to matriarch in my family for generations. It wasn't easy. I still needed to do it because it made no sense for me to be working fulltime, doing all the housework, childcare for the most part, while my husband at that time mowed the yard once a week about 5 months out of the year and worked an 8 hour day for five days a week. I think the deciding factor for me came when he was telling me how to do dishes following a huge meal I'd cooked after working (at his request) and taking care of our son. Things changed. I basically had to have a sit down with myself first like I would a good friend who asked me what I saw. After I had the sit down with me. I had the sit down with him. We split the household chores to include cooking. If he didn't want to cook - he had to arrange something else for us.
I have a sense though that the thing that might be bothering you the most is thinking you might have put your life on hold to go to the store, clean the house and put a meal in the crockpot for him to eat rather than following through on your plans for your day? If it were me - refusing to do for someone what they could do for themselves - would be nagging at me, too. Being mad at myself because my bf was my top priority over everything else wouldn't be as helpful to me as what you're doing now? Re-evaluating who you are and what you think is necessary to do as a woman with a life of her own, a job and a bf that she loves? Seems to me you're growing and new insights come as a result of that growth.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 25th of July 2013 07:11:21 PM
I am trying to remember to question my motives today but I think I am a little late.ABF is out of town for work and will be returning at some point this afternoon/evening.I have a work meeting to go to in a couple of hours, followed by a Pampered Chef party with one of my coworkers.Instead of going into work this morning, which I had planned to do, I spent my morning cleaning up the house and worrying about dinner.What will he do for dinner since I will not be home?Needless to say, I made a trip to the grocery and dinner is now in the crock pot and will be ready whenever he gets home.UGH!I am frustrated with myself.What are my motives?I'm not really sure.If I look down deep enough, I think I just want him to need me.I am worried about what will happen to "us" if I quit doing all of the domestic things that I was raised to believe that "the woman" takes care of.I had a wonderful f2f meeting experience last night and I was reminded of why I came into this program...FOR ME.I know I am new and changes will not happen overnight but I become so angry with myself because I see what I am doing and still continue to engage in the same behaviors out of fear.I am going to try and move forward with my day...go to work, go to party, and let what happens happen.It is so hard to give up control.Baby steps and ODAT!!
Most of us woman do things like you describe for their Husbands and or boyfriends. There doesn't need to be any motives. But we are doing it for purposes other than out of love...yes we need to check our motives.
Start a journal and write down on paper what you do and your motives behind the action. Later you can go back and read when you forget. I do this and brings my motives to the forefront. Helps greatly. When I go back and read about my good days and bad days it gives me pattern about why, what when and where besides just my thoughts for the day.
Don't take it as you doing something wrong, take it as a learning experience. We all need to practice and living through it gives us a better understanding. Doing the steps helps too.
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I do the same thing when I am going to be out or not available. I never thought of it the way you have.
For me I get everything ready because if I don't he will surely not be able to find something and that will cause a discussion regarding
the fact that I "always move things" haha just realized how funny that is.
Anyway- there have been times, and not so much anymore, that he has called me to let me know that he cant find something or let me know we are out.
Seriously!
"Hey, I can't find the garlic press. You didn't throw it away did you, you're always moving things."
One thing that strikes me is that I have done this kind of thing for many boyfriends, but by and large they do not do comparable things for me. Thinking ahead about me or asking themselves "What wlll she need?" does not appear to be on their radar. I was always doing it thinking I should or that it would pay off -- he would see me as wonderful, he would rely on me, he would realize how much I loved him and how much he should be with me. In practice what happened is that he would take me for granted.
I am often too busy to cook or to do other things that need doing around the house. What a joy and a luxury it would be to have someone share the load. Funny how that doesn't happen. I think my picker and several other things are broken.
While I don't see the big deal about preparing a meal for the husband, I would also consider you live there too
and need to eat and usually meals prepared in a crockpot are good for a day or so.
I think the fear factor is involved. fear of losing the husband, fear that you won't measure up to his expectations.(which I believe they are our expectations of ourselves. , bunch of fears if you think about it.
I truly believe that all we do for others, even cooking a meal is not wasted. Nothing of kindness is wasted.
Most of us woman do things like you describe for their Husbands and or boyfriends. There doesn't need to be any motives. But we are doing it for purposes other than out of love...yes we need to check our motives.
Start a journal and write down on paper what you do and your motives behind the action. Later you can go back and read when you forget. I do this and brings my motives to the forefront. Helps greatly. When I go back and read about my good days and bad days it gives me pattern about why, what when and where besides just my thoughts for the day.
I LOVE this...AND might I add, that you work, he isn't supporting you, he can fix his own din din while you do your thing..... I know, what Cathy said was correct...how many times did I do extra just to avoid being dumped or "replaced" when I was working and paying my way AND doing all the domestic thing and as to boyfriends??? we got out...I dont' mind cooking SOME times, but hey!!! courting time, I want (see I am old fashioned) him to take me out...to a movie...to dinner...to a sporting event...I am flexible and easy to please, not demanding money wise, but the courting season is when I want to ENJOY......like I said...treats with home meals is ok, but I will not again , make a habit of it....DO DO DO just to "earn" love or avoid being dumped??? Nope...
I like what Cathy says about checking the ole motives.....IF I WANT to cook at home?? no worries....if I am busy???? then he can fend for himself...
U will get the hang of it when U have been in program longer...this is about YOU..your living is for YOU and about YOU...if he is "flying in same direction???" great....program will show you what you really want and what you need to get rid of....not implying anything, but you won't have that '"ohh I gotta do this and that so he will love me"...
You will have enough self love, that it will be OK if you don't feel like doing anything extra
please keep coming back.........
Another thing...You said "ABF" I take it he is in program??? I hope so....b/c one thing I noticed when I was in program for a while....I "out grew" the need to have substance abusers.....even now....I will have no worries about an alanoner or a codie or acoa, but even in AA, I would be real hesitent b/c thats just me...I know that alcoholism is only in remission AS LONG AS he works his program
Cheers and keep workin the program...it works
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I truly believe that all we do for others, even cooking a meal is not wasted. Nothing of kindness is wasted.
Keep coming back and working it.
Hugs, Bettina
I agree IF my motives are just that....Kindness and yea, its neat to be KIND out of my heart...w/no expectation of return, just do it out of KINDNESS....not fear of anything......Boy, Bettina you have a lovely heart.......Hows it going of late????? I loved your post when you told us about ex AH passing...U showed such love.....I admire that
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Boundaries are so so key in looking at what I do for others. I have to watch that expectation thing really carefully. What do I want to give.
I just ran into an old coworker who I worked with for a number of years. He is struggling with lots of issues.
I gave him no advice. That is a first for me. I didn't jump in and say all kinds of stuff. I just listened to all his issues. Said encouraging stuff and didn't jump in. The most important thing was I didn't give him any advice because he didn't ask for it.
I would have found that impossible before. Wasn't I meant to help others. Wasn't I born to help others.
Did your boyfriend ask you to do this stuff. What do you expect when you do all this for him and what do you expect him to do if you don't.
I hold back now far more than I ever did before. I know if I had jumped in on this conversation with my former co worker I would have gone over my boundaries. Then I would have felt resentful. These days when I offer I am right there looking at what do I want, what are my expectations. Most of all what are they asking for?
None of this comes overnight and the most important thing is to not beat yourself up when you do stray and to pay attention to your feelings.
When I examine my motives I do so to make sure my actions do not have strings and expectations attached. If I cook a meal buy a gift , take someone out for their birthday , it is because I want to and do not expect anything in return Then My motives are noble and I do not have to worry about my actions. Before program my actions ALWAYS had hidden expectations
I am so grateful for this program It has set me free.
((((Workingit)))) inventory the good stuff and the not so good stuff...what is natural goodness and love should not be questioned or diminished although using boundaries so that you do good for right reason rather than selfish or patronizing reasons. We are (my belief) created to give and receive love. In a balanced relationship that happens. In alcoholism usually the given is not and will not be returned. If you find that your motive for giving is because you are naturally a loving person...pat yourself on the back (might be the only pat you get) put on a smile and go on with your program. Lots of us learn to love the alcoholic whether they are drinking or not and for me that was relearning how to be normal. Keep coming back...I love the post.
Upon realizing my codependency, I was also frustrated and upset with myself. I would caution others to be gentle with working on this character defect. It is an asset to care and want to do nice things for people. It's difficult to tell when caring becomes codependency and I've never wanted to totally not care how others felt about me. I just didn't want to make myself sick over it any more. I also didn't want to keep directing my caring towards unreceptive and emotionally unavailable people. Hence, it wasn't even always that I was so much of a pathological people pleaser as it was that I also chose to waste positive caring energy on people who were sick and not able to recognize or appreciate it.
You are doing fine