Good evening everyone. Im new hereI really dont know where to startso here I go. My ex-husband, Robert, is a crack addict. It was a HUGE shock to everyone who knew him, including me. We dated for 5 and a half years (Oct 2002 to March 2008), lived together for four and a half (Sept 2003 to March 2008), before we got married (March 2008). I didnt grow up around drugs, I didnt have friends who did drugs, not did I myself ever do drugs. When we fist stated dating, he told me that he smoked pot occasionally. I even asked him if he ever tried anything harder, he told me no. I believed him, I trusted him, I was in love with him. We got married in March 2008 and that Sept he took off to hang out with some friends. The next morning, around 5 am, he called me freaking out, the car had been stolen. But then he and some friends got home and the story changed, the car was stolen, or it may have just been borrowedturns out his buddy took off with it , got into an accident and totaled it. I didnt realize it, but it was just the beginning of the end, I caught a glimpse of the monster that I was married too. Well, in April 2009, we learned we were pregnant, HUGE shock. We never planned on having kids. I was 32  he was almost 48. He was so excited, but with in a month, he started disappearing, blowing money to the point that by the time our son was born in Dec 2009, we were flat broke.. I figured Bob was just getting the pot smoking out of his system before the baby was born. Boy, was I wrong. Matt was born on a Tues evening, Bob called me Friday morning, 6 am, needing his boss number so he could call in sick. He admitted he had spent the night partying. I looked at Matt after I got off the phone with Bob and said I guess its just you and me, babe I promised to protect him from all the bad ****. We went home the next day.to Bob. The worse was yet to come. Bob continued to disappear and continued to blow all our money and then take out payday loans when he ran out of money. If he was home, hed spent all day in bed or on the couch, glaring at his new son and yelling at me because Matt was making too much noise. A few weeks later, New Years eve, he disappeared, my sister picked me and Matt up on her way to our parents. I covered for him. The next morning, Bob picke me up and told me he had had an emotional breakdown, he couldnt handle the demands of parenthood, Matt was too needy, too fragile. Its all you till hes 18 months old Bob told me. I should have left him or even started to question him, at least find out why this sweet, caring man who helped everyone turned into an evil emotionally abusive ******d. I stayed quiet til April when I got his mom and brother involved, his mom started calling him every day and got just as controlling of him as he was getting with me. Things were getting worse, and finally in mid May I packed up mine and Matts stuff and we moved in with my parents.  I made the decision to keep Matt in Bobs life, I wanted him to know his father, I wanted him to know where he came from. Then at the end of June, while I was helping him pack up the apartment (he couldnt afford to keep living there on his own), I found a crack pipe while he was packing up the truck. I took a picture of it and a couple days later showed it to some of my co-workers who all have some sort of experience with drugs. They all told me it was a crack pipe. My only reaction was Can you smoke pot out of it? Sure but that would be stupid. One of the guys started to ask me questions that described a typical crack addict. I was shocked, even more shocked to learn that my husband was a binge user who was able to his addiction from everyone including our former roommate who had grown up around drugs and had  done drugs, herself. Everyone kept telling me to keep Bob away from Matt, but I didnt listen. After a month of living with his dealer and in his car, he moved in with his mom and brother. His mom, a religious former nurse, vowed to rid him of this nasty ugly evil disease. She and Steve (Bobs brother) tried to force him into rehab, them the 3 agreed to Bob going to NA meetings. I went to the first two meetings starting in Sept 2010. In Oct, a friend of ours passed away and Bob relapsed, well, technically he messed up and didnt come home, he revealed hed gotten high at leaset once a week since he started NA meetings, but this time he was done. Bobs mother decided she would drive him to the meetings. Well, in May 2011, Steve called me, Bob never come home the night before. I got a hold of Bob and he admitted he relapsed. His mom kicked him out and he once again lived in his car til he found a place in June. It was a room in a building owned by a landlord who does not allow children on the premises. Its in a neighborhood that all my co-workers and friends who knew the area,  as a great area to get drugs. A drug addict in recovery moving into this area, sure, hes trying to stay clean. Then at the end of July, Bobs old beat up car died, and he didnt have the money to get it fixed or even fix it up himself. He had to buy a bicycle or take public transportation, 2 years later, thats what hes still doing. Within a week he quit going to NA, because the only meetings now he would be able to go to were ones with black guys (Bobs white of Hispanic descent, Im just white) who bitched about their parole officers and baby mamas, he was fine not going, he exercised. In Sept we started marriage counseling so I could finally convince him I was done with our marriage. In Oct, my sister, me and Matt got our own place at the same time I gave him rules for coming over, Bob disappeared for a couple weeks. We ran into each other and he told me that he had thought I didnt want him in Matts life, I told him only if he was using, he told me he was clean. Visits were off and on til Matts birthday in Dec and Bob disappeared only to reappear in April, 20 lbs thinner, claiming he was clean and didnt have a lot of money to buy food. He also blamed the weather (it was the winter after the blizzard, we had  warm weather) and he didnt call because hed rather see Matt.  I took a couple pictured of Bob with Matt and showed them to my go too people, who all agreed he was now a full blown addict. At the same time I had just hired my divorce lawyer and in June (2012) Bob was finally served, he had gained the weight back. Between June and Sept, when our divorce was final, visits where almost every Sunday for a couple hours.  Bob never showed up to court, so I got sole custody Bob gets supervised visits, we dont have a set schedule, its based around our work schedules, vacations, illnesses and the weather. A few days after the divorce was final, Bob called me angry that I was forcing him to pay child support, how was he supposed to support himself? He told me I was using Matt against him for him breaking me heart. He even threatened to ****  up his brother if I ever spoke to Steve or their mom ever again. Steven confirmed it was true. Still I continued to keep Bob in Matts life. Bob disappeared again after Matts 3^rd birthday (we moved back in with my parents), but he texted almost daily, finally in Feb 2013 I texted him back why dont u call and ask Matt how he ishe called angry, told me was being rude and didnt care about anyone but myself, then agreed to call when his work schedule allowed it. Well, since May Bob has been back in Matts life, on and off. He still lives in the drug neighborhood, claiming hes clean. Not going to NA meetings, having no sponsor.. He claims hes not using because he has a lot more to lose now, he works a bus driver in a small charter company, that does drug testing (piss only) only when a driver has an accident. I have learned a lot about addiction in the past two plus years, I know an addict has to get clean and stay clean for themselves, not for their beautiful 3 and a half year old son. But I still have that attitude. Hy head says hes clean but my heart is torn, he looks ok, but   Im even starting to think that the decision I made to keep Bob in Matts life is the wrong decision, that it will be the worst decision I could ever make.

My question is: is it possible for a recovering crack addict to stay clean while living in a neighborhood known for drugs, without going to NA meetings (face to face, online, phone), without any family/friend support (his mom and Steve have all but disowned him, rarely speaking to him, they say that Bobs addiction is in Gods hands now), no sponsor and never having gone to rehab?

And do I continue to keep Bob in Matts life?

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 18th of July 2013 09:36:29 PM