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Okay, so I've drilled into my head the three C's.I realize that only the alcoholic can decide if and when they want to become sober and its not the responsibility of their significant other, family, friends, etc. to get them sober and keep them sober.However, is it unrealistic to think that those closest to the alcoholic should not do things that would trigger the As drinking habits or sabotage their sobriety?My AExBF is trying hard to stay sober, going to meetings, and getting additional help. Even though he has significantly decreased his drinking to going for stretches (weeks or even months at a time) without alcohol, he is having a difficult time and has had a number slips, in part, due to family and friends (even his own mother!) who do not behave around him in a way that supports his sobriety.Their attitude is that HE is the one with the problem (true) and its his decision to drink or not drink, so why should they stop having fun, even when they are visiting HIS home?His mother has even handed him a drink, which he did not accept, and also asks him to make drinks for her when she visits!It makes me cringe.His closest friends, whom he has been friends with for years (and his family are very close to, as well) tell him just have one or twojust dont drink like you used to.He has told them that he cannot drink, but they just dont get it and give him a hard time if he doesnt drink. He has changed many aspects of his lifestyle, but distancing himself from or removing toxic people from his life is not one change that he has made. He is very close with his family so he feels that it is not realistic for him to distance himself from them, but they just wont change their ways around him.They dont want the party to end and, if he gets sober, it will have a huge impact on their own fun.Although he completely emptied his bar in his home, he does not want to make his home an alcohol free zone (his guests bring their own alcohol) when family and friends are visiting because, he says, he does not want them to feel uncomfortable and not have fun while visiting just because he cant drink.
I know that he needs to make the decisions on his own and do what he feels is best for him when it comes to family, friends, and how he chooses to get sober and stay sober.I think that I am just looking for validation of my feelings and frustrations.The bottom line is that I really thought that those closest to him, the ones who cried when they saw the seriousness of his disease, those who realized that if he didnt quit drinking that it could ultimately end his life, and the family and friends who BEGGED him to quit, would be his greatest supporters.I thought that they would do whatever they could to help him stay sober and that they would not do such blatantly obvious things that would push, tease, or trigger him to drink. I could understand the old drinking buddies behaving this way since they dont want to have the party end.but his own family??? He has a problem, a disease, and he acknowledges this fact and knows that only he can choose to get completely sober and stay sober.I just wish that those who are closest to him would see the importance of him maintaining his sobriety 100% in order to live, and quit thinking of how him being sober will ruin their party (and possibly make them have to realize their own issues with alcohol). I know that many on this forum have, no doubt, witnessed the same behavior in family and friends of alcoholics and that I why I come here...because I know that I am not alone in my thoughts, feelings, and frustrations.
Thank you for reading my vent.J
-- Edited by LiveLaughLove on Wednesday 17th of July 2013 09:42:58 PM
Hi, LLL: I understand your frustration. I've felt and thought those same things. This is what I've learned through experience - that someone with the disease of alcoholism can get sober anywhere and stay sober if that is what they want most in life. That doesn't mean it will be easy, but he will have a lot of temptations to return to old ways from within himself - let alone outside himself. This is his struggle. He's going where he can get the education, support and help of those who have quit and have probably experienced the same things themselves.
As far as his family and friends go - this happens for everybody. Every time we make a change - it makes the people around us uncomfortable because it means they will have to change and not everybody will want to or even think they need to make any changes because they've practiced the same mindset and behaviors for a long time.
Yes, you are also correct that you are powerless over all of it. You could run around with big posters and trespassing signs at his house forbidding people with alcohol to enter and then while you're doing that - he goes outside to the back yard to dump trash and lo and behold - there just happens to be his favorite beverage sparkling at him from a corner near the garage that he forgot he'd hidden - and he'll be faced with temptation to drink and might do it - while you're in the house trying to protect his environment and him from it.
The only thing that you aren't powerless over is you and the changes you can make now that he is working a program in recovery. The more energy you focus on you and your recovery program, the less formidable and threatening and frustrating things will be for you.
I say this all to you from my own experience. We (and others) didn't cause the disease. We (and others) can't control the disease. We (and others) can't cure the disease. All we can do as people who love or like or work with folks with a drinking problem that bothers us is work our own program. Nothing else we do will lead us to serenity. Keep coming back. We've been there. We've done that. We've felt that. We understand.
While his alcoholism is partly genetic, his family is also the one that created him and his alcoholism. He would not be the first to get sober in a family of drunks. In fact, that is common. His problems drawing boundaries with his family are his not theirs. At some point he will need to put his sobriety first. Period. It would be nice if the family acted differently but it doesn't matter that much. Its on him to protect his sobriety even if it means telling family they can't drink around him or he leaves when they do. For me, sobriety had to be primary. It was and is more important than what other people think. I would tell my own family to go away if they didn't respect or accept my program. It gives me life. It is that important. Hence, I feel bad for him that his family is like that, but he has to deal with it and put sobriety first regardless.
I agree with Pinkchip......your boyfriend needs to set the boundaries, its his job to do so...
AND what about you??? what are you doing to take care of you???? BF has to work his program, I wold love it if you told us that you are in Alanon and working the meetings and the steps and the literature
I am sorry that he has NO support from family, obviously and that is really bad to try and get someone who would like to stop drinking to offer them a drink
I had to dump 95% of my bio family b/c they were either non supportive of my getting into alanon, OR they sabotaged me by deliberatly attacking my triggers that they knew of, attacking my program, putting me down, etc etc etc....so...I put me first for the first time and I dumped them
when they wanted to know why I was not taking their calls or letting them on my facebook, I told them.....I am in recovery and only supporters and cheerleaders for me need to apply to be in my life.....I am putting distance to take care of me, to get healing and to find myself and to be healthier......
that was it....No big production, I just cut them loose....
I hope , sincerely that you are in the meetings...working the steps and hopefully with a sponsor to guide you b/c you can only look after and help you...BF has to make his own choices and make his own life....its up to him.....
you can only take care of you....connect w/you...change you.....help you......like the slogan says "keep the focus on me" and "let it begin with me" your life and your future is in your hands to prosper or to not prosper....
Please keep coming back...we are here an we are listening....
sending you comfort and peace energy
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you for all of the thoughts and feedback.I would like to clarify that he is my ex-boyfriend and I ended our relationship several months ago.We seldom have face-to-face communication, because I need that separation to work on me and my recovery from the affects of our relationship.We do communicate by phone, but I have made it very clear to him that I am only available as a supportive friend and nothing more.
Grateful2be, you mentioned that The only thing that you aren't powerless over is you and the changes you can make.I have learned this over time after spending so much time trying to convince him to see that he needed to change.It is amazing how I almost had a feeling of relief when I turned the focus on me and the changes that I needed to make for myself, rather than focusing on him and his recovery.
Pinkchip, At some point he will need to put his sobriety firstHe often tells me that he knows what he needs to do, he just has a difficult time taking action on certain things, such as setting those boundaries with family and friends.He has made progress but I am to the point with him that, when he tells me details of his plan for his recovery or he tells me what he knows he should do to maintain a sober lifestyle, I respond with that sounds like a great plan and move on to discussing something else.I dont want him thinking that I am getting sucked in to his promises or telling me what he thinks that I want to hear, like I used to.Im on to that game.
Neshema2, I have not been able to attend face-to-face Al-Anon meetings, but have found a great deal of help by immersing myself with Al-anon related literature, this website/forum, any other information that I can find, and the wonderful support that I get through my family and friends (some of whom have experienced similar situations).I initially tried to take care of myself and focus on my needs while still trying to stay by his side and support him, but I learned that that was not going to work for either of us and I left.Since that time, I feel like I have made so much progress after removing myself from the drama and heartache that goes along with the disease, although I realize that I have a lot more to work on.I still care about him and his future (which led to my original post for this thread), but on a different level.I am no longer completely consumed with his recovery. The issues related to the disease dont get to me like they used to.
Thanks for the correction. I missed the ex part. Glad that you are staying on your side of the fence and trusting God and your XBF with his.
Lots of support. Lots of encouragement.
I think you've gotten some great ESH here. I will say that I have struggled a lot in the past with my AH's relationship with his best friend. They are both alcoholics, and have lived together several times over the years when they have had to work out of town for several months at a time. They are both "high functioning," and don't enable each other in the traditional sense of the word (meaning, to my knowledge they don't bail each other out of difficult situations and make it possible for the other person to continue with his addiction). Rather, they feed off each others' negativity, provide rationalizations for each others' drinking, and just generally do not do what one would expect a healthy "best friend" relationship to involve: helping each other make the changes that they BOTH know they need to make to stay out of divorce court. Because of their professional connection, I am sure that they would be friendly regardless of the situation, but I believe very strongly that if my AH was still in his sober state, he would NEVER be such good friends with someone who has proven himself to be...not always a great human being.
That said, several weeks ago I discovered some very, very upsetting text messages between my AH and his friend (yes, I was snooping. No, I am not proud of it. I'm proud to say I haven't snooped since, which is a HUGE deal for me). The messages involved both of them saying they are only still married because of their kids, that women are only good for sex, etc. I confronted my husband about it when it happened, and over the course of the next week or so I made it clear that his friend was no longer welcome around my daughters. I have shown this man nothing but kindness and friendship over the years, and I found his attitudes about women in particular to be offensive, to say the least. Over a week later, my AH's friend showed up at our home to apologize to me for the things he had said. We had a good talk, and he made a comment that rang very, very true. He said "sometimes I feel like you hold me responsible for [insert AH's name]'s behavior. I told him that yes, I struggled with that a lot. That I *know* in my brain that my AH is solely responsible for his choices, but that I feel like they have a history of making bad choices when they are together, and that they very obviously egg each other on and feed each other's negativity. But it was a powerful reminder that what my AH chooses to do, who he chooses to associate with...they are HIS choices and nobody else's. He has not had a problem at all in the past with cutting off contact with people who are dysfunctional. He is just choosing not to do it this time around. I know his ability to make good choices is impaired by the disease, but he has achieved sobriety in the past. This is not his first rodeo, so to speak, and he knows what he should be doing to achieve sobriety.
Sending you lots of good juju to keep your serenity, keep your focus on yourself and your own recovery. Keep coming back! ((HUGS))
Neshema2, I have not been able to attend face-to-face Al-Anon meetings, but have found a great deal of help by immersing myself with Al-anon related literature, this website/forum, any other information that I can find, and the wonderful support that I get through my family and friends (some of whom have experienced similar situations).I initially tried to take care of myself and focus on my needs while still trying to stay by his side and support him, but I learned that that was not going to work for either of us and I left.Since that time, I feel like I have made so much progress after removing myself from the drama and heartache that goes along with the disease, although I realize that I have a lot more to work on.I still care about him and his future (which led to my original post for this thread), but on a different level.I am no longer completely consumed with his recovery. The issues related to the disease dont get to me like they used to.
Dear Live.....OMG..I see it now, your post said EX boyfriend....I apologize, I thought you were still with him
I am glad U saw that you needed to take care of you....Sorry I didn't see the EX part...and i agree...its sad his family is non supportive.........I can relate to that, but I put ME first and the ones who didn't support me or worse...attacked me?? they are gone...end of case
I go to on-line meets, but ya know??? working the steps and regularly being on here is like going to a meeting almost....but the steps are big time for me b/c to me they are my "life 101" doing step 4 keeps me honest w/me and others...
I am glad U R taking care of you....sorry for my oversight.......I do hope he can find his footing...and he was lucky to have a friend like you to want to see the best for him......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Grateful2be, thank you for your support and encouragement.
Stephaniej, your post could really describe my AEx and his best friend.My ex is also a high functioning alcoholic.His best friend is one who, at one point, was telling my ex that alcohol was going to kill him and that he needed intense treatment (rehab) and even called rehab facilities for my ex to get him help.Now, he tells my ex that his problem isnt really that bad and that he just needs to not drink as much as he used to.Of course, I realize that it is more important to the friend that he have his drinking buddy back (and not have to recognize his own issues) than it is to give my ex the encouragement and support that he needs to stay sober.Yes, they definitely feed off of each other!
That said, I, like you, have struggled with blaming others for sabotaging my exs sobriety.Even though their behaviors make me cringe, I have now learned to accept that only he can make the healthy choices in order to maintain sobriety and only he can choose whether or not to allow others into his life that may not have his best interest in mind.When he mentions his interactions with these particular people, I just change the subject or make an excuse to end the conversation.My attitude is that he can live his life the way he chooses and I will live mine the way I choose.I have told him of my own boundaries for our communications and friendship, and I stand firm.
Neshema2, no need to apologize.Yes, it is certainly very sad that those close to him are not supportive, but keeping them in his life and not setting boundaries in order to make his sobriety his priority is his decision. He is working on his sobriety, but only partially working the program. Maybe one day he will jump in the pool with both feet rather than just dipping his toes in the shallow end!
