The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You are human and have lived so long with this dreadful disease. Recovery from this disease is a process that takes practice , dedication, energy and time. Attending meetings helps to break the isolation that develops from withdrawing from the world . Working the Steps with a sponsor lifts the anger, resentment, self pity and fear that envelops us. Make a gratitude list and an asset list each day and this will help to focus on the positives in your life.
Be very gentle with your self and others. .
In my thoughts
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 16th of July 2013 06:26:28 AM
I pray and pray and working my program I must not be working it. I guess I am praying for a fast healing. I read and hear of others going through the same pain as I am with children and wives and husbands and nephews and nieces because there "A"s!!! And it breaks my heart. I am completely broken from my son's damage he caused himself and caused to me and the family. I am proud and supportive of him wanting help and that is why he is going to every extent to get it.. But I find myself asking the " what if " "why" "how"??? Questions?? I'm so sick to my stomach that I can not forget the past and I try to take a step forward but then projection happens and there I go crawling into a whole.. I love my son and I want to take all the pain away and carry it myself.. But I also have a 7 year old daughter that I have paid little attention to, because of all that had happened.. I just needed to vent.. I am angry I am hurt I am confused as why he went back out there and got us all to this point. I truly thought one day he would just stop if I put the scare into him and threatened him, but nothing did. I truly thought the two days in jail would open his eyes but that did not.. People say that have to hit there rock bottom, but I knew as a co dependent and enabler I was not going to let that happen. Now I am asking how do I get myself better ?? I have all the tools but I have no strength to use them.. Uggggg.. God bless all..
((((Gaby)))) are you attending meetings? Have you heard from elders in recovery that might make a good sponsor to help you navigate and walk this program? You can't do much on your own...don't get down on your self. None of us were able to do this on our own either. If we did we would not be here. Your vent helps us to look and see the pitfalls we have to get around and passed. Your vent also shows us where we are doing better and building faith and hope in our recovery.
A simple question again...Are you praying or are you pleading? Prayer has a dimension of surrender; letting go. We pray with the assurance that after we do it HP has it and we go into patience and progress with other responsibilities in front of us. When we plead we stay in the anxiety and fear and there seems to be no getting out of it or letting go of it.
Steps 2 and 3 seem to be very necessary now for you. If you are attending open meetings volunteer to lead or ask the lead for the meeting to do the meeting on those steps or one at least.
2. Came to believe that a power "greater than ourselves" could lead us to "sanity".
3. Made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him.
Thank you Hot Rod and Jerry, its so important to stress the Alanon meetings.
I know that its easy to feel so overwhelmed with this disease. I want you Gaby to so get it and like Hot Rod said its
a process, but it goes a lot quicker if you get a sponsor, I can't stress this enough.
Gaby, I know its frustrating when the A keeps doing the same thing over and over , it is insanity. Its also insane for you
to expect a different behavior from him.
You can only change yourself, you are powerless over him. Step 1. Really learn this step and it will save you suffering.
I can't tell you what amazing sponsors I had, one was very strict and militant almost, I was writing all the time, It was what I needed. Jerry is right about finding out how to pray. You must be confident in your HP, there is no begging in prayer, but prayer is absolute, believe in that.
I hope you will attend those meetings, they are so important, you just don't get alanon from osmosis. It takes time , some patience and trust. Trust Alanon, because it works if you work it.
Hugs,
Bettina
The answer is in the program, the meetings, and the sponsor. Once you commit to buying into the alanon program full force, you will be committing to a course of action that is at odds with you continuing in the same way. You won't get better just trying to will yourself into it, by thinking about it, by wishing - you will get better by going to lots of meetings, getting a sponsor, and working the steps. Letting go is hard Gaby. Your son is like 20 right? That is the age when is really hard for parents to let go of their child even when they aren't struggling in the ways your son is. So - he's at the age where he's supposed to leave the nest, so to speak, and you might sense he doesn't have the wings to fly. It's really hard to not step in I imagine....really hard. Nonetheless, he will learn better lessons through feeling the consequences of his own choices. Trust that you did a good job. I didn't develop alcoholism from having bad parents. It was genetic and it was due to me playing around with an addictive substance where you do enough of it and then it grabs hold of you.
In my life, my mom has had to sit back and watch me go through all these things. I come out of the closet, I develop alcohol problems, problems with depression...My mom never wished for those things to happen to me and I'm sure she wanted to rescue me - sometimes she did try to. I posted recently about starting a new job counseling people in a rehab setting. Because of what I have been through - what if some kid comes in all strung out, with mental health issues - maybe even questioning his sexuality whatever...? I''m now able to identify with and help them in a way I wouldn't have been able to had I not had these struggles. All the things I thought were horrible things that were inflicted upon me or that even God did to me... They really were not done to me, but for me.
One day I pray your son is the one whose hand is reached back out to help some 20something year old kid who is hooked on heroin and can't figure out how to change. He is so much more likely to be that person because of what he's been through. What if? What if? Well what if he helps save lives because of having gone through this? Just pray.
Hi, Gaby: Such good E/S/H was offered to you today. This is what is true for me. When I got sick and tired of being sick and tired, I got better.
The way of it is written in the other posts. Your son may save lives in the future because of what he's been through as PC states. That is also true for you. There are people suffering from the effects of this disease who may have their lives saved because of what you have gone through and found the solution that works for you? I know I've sure received a lot of information about alcoholism and genuine understanding and care from people who had been there and are working the steps themselves who helped me avoid being destroyed by this disease. It will crush us if we allow it to do that.
Thank you for your kind words. I do need to work my program and got strong.. I know my son said that he one day wants to help others that are in his shoes. I truly need to learn to pray. Some one said beg praying and I know I have done that too. But I have not been taught to truly pray and give it to god. A little bit if help from you all will help me. God bless..
YOU>>>>>>>>>People say that have to hit there rock bottom, but I knew as a co dependent and enabler I was not going to let that happen. Now I am asking how do I get myself better ?? I have all the tools but I have no strength to use them.. Uggggg.. God bless all..
ME>>>>> you said it right here......for him to have any hope of changing, you have to change you and what your doing....if plan A aint working the plan B....I urge you to get off the focus of him and back onto you.....Meets...sponsor....steps.....I know, sounds like a cliche but it WORKS....enabling only prolongs the agony AND it prevents him from seeing that he needs help as bad as he does.....If you hold him over the abyss, he is not going to think there is an abyss.......
I know its hard....I am coda too, but I just had to knuckle down on my program, let teh A's learn their lessons....Niece, 2 brothers, I do NOT help them, I do not enable them, I let them fall.....yea, its hard...I feel terrible, but I am not helping me or them by enabling.....I am only making me bitter and them worse b/c they don't think they have a problem......so alanon , meetings and step work and sponsor work and daily working my program changed ME...I no longer enable....I cry, I feel sick, but I work my program and I do not enable them anymore.....its useless and damaging for me and to them
The only hope my A's and my N's are gonna get help is for me to drop em and let them suffer the consequences......b/c I cannot control them, anyway, I can't fix them, I can't cure them, I can't do anything for them, so it beehoves me to keep my sanity an let them go....Love but let go......
I am sorry U feel so bad.....If I were you I would get into a meeting or call my sponsor or a trusted recvoery mate and program down to a more calm level....
Its sucks, this disease and the fallout from it.....and poor lil sister is getting the fallout from it....she will be our next alanon member , I hope you can come to the place (working the program) where you can take care of you so you can take care of the poor little 7 year old.....
Please keep working on you and the program.....lil sister needs you to be in one piece..YOU need you to be in once piece.....its the hardest thing to do...letting go of a child, but sometimes U just gotta take your hands off and let the chips fall where they may b/c u aint gonna change a thing, anyway...
PEACE and COMFORT I send to you
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
