The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Okay, I give up and give in...there's no way i'm not hitting a meeting tonight. Here's why:
Today is my scheduled payday. My company in the last couple of weeks has been going through a transition of changing from one payroll company to the next, so they made sure to tell us that we needed to make sure our deductions are correct on our next pay stub. So this morning, I go to the ATM to get out money for my train ticket to go to work. Insufficient funds. I'm at a freestanding ATM so I thought, okay, maybe it's the company, I'll go to my bank and get it. Get to my bank - no paycheckie. So now I have to figure out how to get to work since I have $1.85 on me and that won't even get a 1 way ticket. After looking for every penny i have I thought I came up with enough money (pennies included) for a ticket. The machine doesn't take pennies. I beg one of the people at the station to let me through 1 way, and they were kind enough to. Only 30 minutes late for work so far - not too bad. But now I'm furious about my check (i have direct deposit).
I get to work - not only do I not have my check, but neither does my boss. People are short half their paycheck - one guy had an extra $500 in his check (the figured out that federal taxes were never taken out)...but that doesn't help me - I don't have a train ticket out of the city, and have zero money, so I told my boss I wasn't going to be in until I got my money, because I don't have the money for the commute (car/train/parking/gas). Finally, FINALLY they decided they can wire my check to my account Monday. Monday is a bank holiday. So now I've already been in the bathroom at least once crying so far.
I'm so ashamed of myself for living paycheck to paycheck (I make a decent salary). I know I'm a compulsive spender and I've never had good money management skills - ever. Today, I hit bottom with my spending and vagueness about where my money goes. The reason I mention this is that I realized tonight that this is another way to abuse myself since my father (my original alcoholic) is no longer around, I have taken on the job. I'm only beginning ot realize just how much self hate I have. I know I wasn't always like this, and it was when I was back at meetings that I was much better, so that's where my butt will be tonight. thanks for listening,.
So glad you are here, greeneyedgirl, and I think it's a real big insight to see how you continue to hurt yourself, now that the A is no longer part of your life. awareness, acceptance, action. Blessings to you, mebjk
Greeneyedgirl, this is a tremendous breakthrough. The truth is, the majority of people live paycheck to paycheck -- and even those with above-average incomes have debt. I wasn't a compulsive spender, but I had so much trouble learning to save. One day I woke up and realized if I didn't get my debt paid off and save for retirement, I would die at my desk. That did it. I paid off all my debt in 13 months, including my car note. And so far I have built almost a year's contingency fund. Now I'm saving for a house. I can give you a big motivator for having a contingency fund (at least it is to me!) It provides me with a tremendous sense of financial peace. Life continues to happen with all its ups and downs, maybe there will be an earthquake, maybe all the banks will fail -- there are many things I cannot predict or change. However, tracking my own money, living below my means, and paying myself first in the form of saving money all are behaviors that fall within the realm of 'changing the things I can'. And you can too. Part of recovery, I believe, is learning to take good financial care of ourselves.
I never made a f2f meeting on Friday, but have been to 3 or 4 online meetings since Saturday, and it's made a tremendous difference. I've reached out and asked for help which is huge for me also.
Thanks for that reminder, waking up - it's all about me depending on SOMEONE ELSE to take care of me, whether it be a financial institution or a single person, I can give away my power to anyone/thing, and the self-care has not been there for a long time. I've gotten back to ACOA/alanon meetings, and god willing I'll be able to get to the f2f meeting in my area tomorrow night.
