The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Dear Rinn: Until he is in treatment, both the negative behavior and the positive behavior is drug/disease fueled. I'd have what I thought was a loving interchange with my As and then hear or see something that was more than appalling to me. It was devastating. When I learned that neither behavior was truly rooted in love for themselves - let alone me - it made it easier to withdraw my support and focus on myself and what I needed and wanted for me. The man he used to be is buried under his addiction. Recovery from meth addiction is no easy street for him. Then, he basically has to grow up again and that can take a long, long time. Whether or not he acknowledges the hurt he caused for now isn't the answer for you because nothing for him will have changed. This addiction can bring with it a host of dangers for you and for your children.
I don't know how you can sort all your feelings out, but I do know that this is bigger than you are to deal with. Al-Anon, maybe Nar-Anon if it is in your area, and trusting that you are doing the right thing in separating from him until he is in recovery and has been in it for quite a time (the length of time can be determined by you when it's feasible for how long after recovery - and if it were me, I'd take it very, very slowly), therapy with someone who has more than a basic understanding of substance abuse could help you, too, with all the different feelings, emotions and thoughts that come up for you during this separation.
I understand the guilt, but is it unrealistic guilt? One of the best ways a non-recovering spouse or adult child can manipulate us is through our guilt. Guilt is about something we've done that we don't feel right about, but for those of us new to separations and affected by alcoholism or drug addiction, we can feel guilty about taking a bath when our kids have the flu or telling them no when they want us to give them money we'd saved to pay the rent or mortgage. If you're feeling guilty because your value system says you shouldn't date a man while still married, then there's a simple remedy to apply that can restore you to peace. But, if you're feeling guilty because you have a friend who happens to be a man and you're not interested in him as a possible romantic interlude for you - then, there's a simple remedy for that, too.
We can love our husbands and still do what we know we need to do to protect ourselves and our children's lives. We don't have to live with them. We don't have to allow them to manipulate or guilt us. We don't have to let their choices drag us through the same mud those choices are going to drag them through - whether they have a disease or are just willfully ignoring appropriate behavior as a husband or father.
Much support and lots of hugs, Rinn. This is a hard time, but it will get easier with work and trust in your HP.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 9th of July 2013 07:25:51 PM
Rinn, I know its difficult and I have been there and we have all been there, but as much energy as you put into this new man or relationship needs to be put into your recovery and this is not a guilt trip either. I have had my male friendships while married.
Your legal separation is for your protection and a positive thing. It prevents you from being responsible for anything he does. That includes running up debts or any other legal issues he gets himself into.
You have shown your love by doing all the right things, I've heard them say drinking is death on a layaway plan, but Meth is the expressway. If he died and you did nothing to prevent his drug use, then you would feel guilty for doing nothing. Its called tough love. Were the ones with the white hats. Don't ever feel guilty for doing the right thing for yourself more importantly.
When he talks to you, its the beast drug talking to you. Thats why you feel so manipulated. That beast is relentless. His drug abuse is hurting you, but not as much as he is hurting himself, to him, he will always see you as in the way, until he gets help and wants to stop.
Meantime Rinn, you really have to stay close to your sponsor and Alanon, embrace it relentlessly until you are stronger, Just for Today, I will call my sponsor and go to a meeting , everyday if it makes me feel better and thinking calmer.
Best in recovery, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 9th of July 2013 08:13:36 PM
i am having a hard time. For those who don't know the back story in brief husband started using meth seven months ago. He has been out of home for a few months. I filed for separation back in may. Today I got the order by default because he refused to respond. I also got a restraining order to prevent him from coming to the home because he was stealing stuff for money. He took pretty much everything I asked for asset wise for me. He is pretty far our there and manipulates me a lot. Threatens suicide lies about getting treatment. But the judge added a no contact order til 12 at hearing I didn't request it. I just didn't want him coming over. But he has been breaking order of no contact. I just have a horrible gut ache with guilt thinking about him getting arrested over it. Plus I got legally separated today and it was hard to think that it probably is really really over. I feel guilt because i have started kinda seeing someone else. It is not serious i am so not ready for that but we are friends and we are hanging out and have mutual friends. but i still really love my husband and my kids love there dad. he is just a horrible addict, and there has been so much hurt and pain I don't know if we could move past it. I feel like I could if he would acknowledge what he has actually done to hurt me and try to make amends. i would be able to forgive. but he is still in the blame me mode where I cause the problems. I am having such a hard time not getting sucked into the guilt he feeds me. I really feel like I made so much more problems for us sometimes. But I have to step back and remember I wouldn't have done anything if he didn't have a meth addition. I wouldn't have reported him to police, gotten retraining order, gotten separated or even looked twice at anyone else. I loved my husband with my whole heart and he was my best friend. He never raised his voice to me, was the first to settle arguments, I thought our marriage was wonderful we were happy, helped each other through some pretty bad times. But when he uses he is a really bad person who calls me names, scares me, coerces me for money and outright lies and steals from me, and makes me think he is killing himself. I just feel guilty because I still love him and believe him when he comes around and is suddenly nice. and I feel guilty like a "good wife" would just wait forever for him to get himself together and stay no matter what. Like if I really did love him then, I should prove it by waiting. Otherwise it means I never loved him at all... I know it's wrong but that though process keeps popping up and I don't know how to handle it. HOw do i sort these feelings out? anyone feel similarly?
I would just like to add that for me?? b/c I picked emotionally unavailable men (due to addiction) I swore off men until I had a few years recovery under my belt
Working on me is the priority in my life.....dating after I dump someone for using or drinking is asking to repeat same patterns until I get well for ME
I got into recovery to find ME...to connect with ME...to figure out why i kept repeating old patterns that did not serve me
I urge you to go to meetings, do heavy step work, heavy family of origin/discovery of your childhood through the program, and find out about yourself and why you feel guilt when all you did was to take care of you
users and drinkers like to use the guilt card to manipulate and to get their way
so inter boundaries need to be set, and that only can happen if you work only on you...focus only on you and your recovery.....then you will feel so much better, healthier and resistent to false accusations that something is your fault when you couldn't even control him or help him or cure him
take care
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
When we have a little more distance and separation, it's so easy to start remembering the good times and wishing we had them again. But even though the person may look and sound the same, the good times have been eaten by the addiction. That is who he is now. It is hard to grieve the loss, but the loss is real.
In a way, the fact that your addict, like so many, refuses to see the damage and apologize for it is a good thing. So many of us have been so quick to grab on to any sign of "Hey, sorry, won't do that any more" that we get re-attached and then go through h*ll before we realize that it's just manipulative or deluded -- they tell themselves they've stopped and we believe them, but then it's back on the merry-go-round again. I can't tell you how many times I accepted the grudging apologies and the vows of quitting. All of them came to nothing and just brought more pain.
One thing I found helpful was making a big long list of all the painful events and things he did, and looking at it when I was tempted to remember the old days fondly. It's important to keep a sense of reality.
I hope you have a good support system -- meetings, a sponsor? If not, that would be such a helpful use of energy. Those are the things that will make your life genuinely better, not an unrepentant, abusive meth addict. Hugs.
Everyone said it better...but the man you loved is gone. His sole relationship, now, is with his drug.
The hardest part for me was to realize that my old life was dead...and I had to find another life and other dreams.
Hugs and good thoughts to you.
I can relate and too had to realize the man I fell in love with had changed and was no longer who I once knew. I am now divorced and detached from the drama that he carries around with him, keeping myself safe and distanced. It is sad at times I still mourn the dreams of what if, but I am also living and growing in now and that has taken precedence in my life for my children and I to be healthy and happy. Dive into your recovery and read everything al-anon you can get your hands on! Glad you have MIP too! Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Meth is a pretty powerful addiction and has a high relapse rate. Certainly some of us expect ourselves to be perfect. Any addict wants someone who is going to put them first above all else. They are going to coerce and claim that they need a perfect environment in order to function on any level. That is way they operate.
Setting limits with any addict/alcoholic is never easy. They are not going to respond that well to them and they are certainly going to test them. Expecting them to be an alcoholic/addict is sometimes difficult for many of us. Most of us really struggle with that notion. I know I absolutely wanted the person who I imagined the now ex A was. He was actually a figment of my imagination but the now ex A knew how to position himself so it looked like I was the problem and he was the solution all the time.
All of us feel tremendous guilt when we set limits around an alcoholic. Some of us have some really idealistic notions of what love and loyalty is. These days I have self love and self loyalty. My own safety and limits are no longer compromised by other people. Getting to there was a long journey for me through a lot of obstacles. I certainly can't say my life is perfect on any level. I do not have all the things that I once imagined were absolutely necessary for me to be happy. What I do have which is a bottom line is self trust. I trust that I am not going to put myself in situations that will affect me negatively. I also trust my own limits rather than doubt them all the time. I have limits these days. I had none most of my life and I lived in a tremendous pit of resentment, fear and fantasy as a result.
No one gets to sort out all the emotions around a separation right away. That is a long process of grief, anger and negotiation. For some of us getting some attention from someone else is so key to feeling better about ourselves. I know I generally plunged into relationships very quickly most of my life. These days I don't but I did most of my life. I didn't change that pattern over night. Be kind to yourself right now. Be good to the person you are right now rather than the person you think you should be.
