The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I get what your saying, you also have made boundaries, which is great, then 2nd guessing yourself.
This is where the A effects the rest of the area's of our life, it seeps into everything, When you said you are not treating your Mom very well.
One thing that helps is not to compare your life to anyone else's. People's lives may look perfect because they live behind a nice home or nice lawns or white picket fences, but we have no idea what goes on in others lives and what they are going thru. Everyone has obstacles and if they tell you they dont', I wouldnt believe them.
I'm just quite not sure of what your worrying about. Do you mean your nervous about what state your husband may come home in. Only three choices, he will be either be very Drunk, a little drunk, or sober. That shouldn't surprise you.
Be proud that you have set boundaries and stick by them. Boundaries are for you and your serenity. Keep using the tools of Alanon or better yet, be at a Alanon meeting when he comes home.
Best to you in recovery Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 5th of July 2013 05:48:45 PM
Sometimes, we fear backlash when we first set some firm boundaries, and our HP helps us deal with whatever that backlash is when the time comes and not a minute before. If he's drunk. You'll deal with it. If he's stinking drunk, he'll pass out. If he isn't drunk and is angry because you set boundaries, you'll know what to do and how to handle yourself, too. You've come a long way since you first posted. Just keep on, keeping on. (((Venera)))
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 5th of July 2013 06:37:01 PM
It is an unsettling time for you and you are doing the best you can right now. Stay focused on yourself and your needs New baby due shortly, time to rest, and really take care of your health. When hubby returns it is important for you to stay on your side of the street, validate your needs and wants. Please try to not engage in arguments since your mental healthy is most important.
Remember that alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless and that you are not alone.
Repeating the Serenity Prayer over and over helped me in difficult times
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 5th of July 2013 06:03:10 PM
Time goes so slow, my AH is coming back from his vacation tomorrow. Not sure at what condition, drunk or dry, and I cant stop thinking about it. I have tried to read a lot, detach, not think much about him, do my things, something nice everyday for myself, but nothing really works.. This is the first time it was so long with no communication and it is just killing me and also not knowing what will happen tomorrow. He didn't call to check how we are doing with kids, how is everything. He texted one time that everything is good, then called drunk and i told him i had to go, then I saw him taking out a lot of money, so I blocked his card and today he texted me asking to unblock it because he has to pay the worker for construction and buy silver i asked him to buy. I told him not to bother about silver and the card is blocked already. I also told him I am not picking him up from the airport because i don't want to drive two drunks home, so he better asks his friend's wife and if he is drunk to better stay with them. He didn't respond and I am now feeling really lonely and worried about tomorrow. Today we have a party here with kids but i really cant do anything, have not been very good to my mom, because i feel down all the time. Not sure what to do at all.. Just looking at the neighbors, their nice lawns, happy families and feel trapped here.
Thank you all !!! it is great to have your support! I have not done his chores, cut his card, didn't call or text him and may not pick him up from the airport if he is drunk. I will try to stand by all this and not get affected by his anger or nagging or whatever comes out. Bur what makes me so sad and worried now, is that since this the first time I am worried of his reaction to be witnessed by my mom or neighbors. And another thing is that I am already used to this kind if drinking periods but they usually last for 4-5 days and then I live with a normal husband, but this time it has been two weeks and it feels like it will never end. i am not close with my mom and it makes me more sad that I have to pretend everything is great in my own house to my own mom. At least before I would feel good to do my things around the house and get distracted, but now I have to pretend 24 hours a day and have no privacy for such a long time. I also feel sad for her, sometimes she acts super happy like everything is good, but then she just becomes ignorant and in two weeks she hasn't even asked me how I feel, didn't bring this issallay all, although she claims she knows me so well. Right now I just feel trapped between two people I love a lot but also feel so distant from them.
Hey Venera I agree with everyone here...You can't guage or control his condition so why obsess over it and try and guess it...trying to guess what a drunk is gonna do will drive you crazy I agree, stay on your side of the street...
Give yourself a mental hug for setting some internal boundaries and work on you...focus on you and your needs
Let him take care of himself...Good job, blocking the card
Yea, he may come home and be pissy over that, but too bad...You will deal with it in a healthy way I am sure
I know, I used to compare my life w/other, thinking i got the bad end of the stick, but ya know I have at times seen that the grass is not always greener...b/c we are looking from the outside in, we don't see all their potholes and ant hills , trust me, nobody's lives are perfect..
Yea, I catch me sometimes in envy b/c so and so has more money then me and can do stuff and I cannot, I am in lack and limitation, but my health is good, and my pets are healthy, house is paid for and I am OK, not in a crisis or anything
take care of you and I would just detach from him....he will do what hes gonna do no matter what, so it behooves you to just take care of you and your needs and quit trying to figure out what hes gonna do...
PEACE
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
You have been given some great ESH so far and I just want you to know when I keep the slogans, literature and prayer to my higher power I have so much more peace inside and my worry subsides most times.
Like Betty said....say the serenity prayer over and over...I do and it helps so so much
You are in my thoughts tonight and remember you are not alone.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thank you again! It is great to hear so much support! I had a block party which i didn't want to go to, because all i wanted was to feel sad)) But I actually spent 3 hours with people and my kids and it felt really good, kind of made me stop thinking about tomorrow. My AH didn't write or call, he may do it tomorrow because he will need to know who is picking him up from the airport. But after being with people and reading all the comments here, i feel so much better and don't care what happens tomorrow. I will pray today and hope for my HP to help me. Usually during the day is most difficult time, because we are so used to keep in touch with my AH and now I have not had it in 2 weeks and it makes me paranoid. This board is great, i am so feeling better now, i don't feel crazy anymore and more confident about blocking the card) I hope it lasts.
Isolation: Sadness, depression, fear, self-pity, terror, despair
Reaching out: Connection, enjoyment, happiness, presence, secure in our own form, hopeful, sanity
Two lessons you're learning - the hard one and the fun one!
Isn't it good that you know the difference and made the choices? You are capable, strong and able to take good, good care of yourself. You proved that to yourself all week long. Go, Venera!!!!!
i am not close with my mom and it makes me more sad that I have to pretend everything is great in my own house to my own mom.
I know exactly how you feel. My mom doesn't know my situation either. Well, she probably does to some extent because mom's are intuitive like that. She lives 4 hours away. I know if I could tell her we'd be closer. I'm just so embarrassed for her to know. I know she saw I was marrying my dad when she met him for the first time even though he was sober then.
Thank you everybody for your support! Just an update)) I was praying a lot last week and I think I was heard, it is so happen that they had elections in Mexico and nobody was selling alcogol. My AH said that they wanted to get a few beers, but the lady wouldnt sell them. Their flight was delyaed and i thought at that time that he will come home drunk, but I left all the worries to the HP and stopped going crazy, just was prepared for the worst. I didn't go to the airport to pick them up, but my frined did. So they came around 7pm, and they were sober, didnt look that great from all the previous drinking, but at least able to walk/talk, eat, etc and he didnt continue at home. We had good evening and a very nice Sunday.
I almost got too emotional on Saturday and was telling him that he left 5 women at home and didn't bother to call, so his excuse this time was that his friend didnt call either and it was guys time, etc, and i was starting to get more emotional, but then i just calmed down and told him in a caring and calm tone that he has a sickness and he needs to cure it, that the point here is not to make him feel guilty but more for him to understand that he got a very serious problem. and then i left the room and went to pray (allthough he didnt say anything, i felt like i was heard). When i came back we watched tv and then talked about the trip and other things in a frinedly way, i felt very good, not angry, not mad, not pitty... I didnt use his guilt to ask to do anything, he took care of money issues himself, did the lawn, laundry, etc all by himself. kids were happy, there were no arguments, mom and me are getting better.. So i was trying to give his sickness back to the AH, i may nave not done it perfectly, but definatly better than before. I read a few books and started to realize that he ias actually sick and it is dumb to lose all the energy on worrieng, arguing, etc..
Now I still want to talk to him one more time, just give him one book to read (there is one chapter that talk about the sickness), ask again if he wants to go to the priest (he said yes before). I just hope i dont get too comfortable again and forget about all till the "next time", I still need to work on myself irregardless of what he is going to do.
BTW at night he was having nightmares, he was shaking a little, then making few noises, he said he had a lot of bad dreams, some like he was numb. It usually happens after drinking a lot. The next day he bought some medicine, so i think he was feeling really bad physically, but trying to not to show i guess that much.
I have been following your posts, and I am really happy to hear that you had a nice weekend. :) I know how relieving those can be after that anxiety. ((hugs))
__________________
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
