I realize that if I leave it needs to be because I am at my wits end and can't take it anymore and not to try to manipulate or control his behavior.

That being said though, part of me thinking about leaving is hoping it does give him incentive.

He is often on the cusp, knowing he has a problem then denying it. I call it "The Jekyll Hyde Hamster Wheel". It happened again last night, he talked to me for two hours about how God spoke to him and told him he needs to give up some things and about how he realizes it's not fair to me and blah blah blah. Then this morning he said he wasn't ready b/c it is the 4th of July and that he was only talking like that cause he was tired. I know deep down he wants free but it has such a grip on him.

So, I'd like to hear (read) your personal stories about leaving and what happened.

Thank you.

((((Mara))))),

My ex "A" and I had a couple of times where in a fit of anger I told him to get out. I took him back each time afterwards because even though I wanted out, I did it out of anger. I was sicker then and rationalized the reasons why I wanted out a way.

There was a moment about 6 months before I asked him to leave for the last time when I realized that I truly couldn't do this dance anymore. I was in our room getting ready for work and he was up raging at our children. My son is a slow starter in the morning, much like his mother. My "A" was yelling at him about getting up and getting his shoes on. I was in mid stroke of brushing my hair when I thought to myself "you better hurry up and get out there to PROTECT your son". Then I realized what I had just said to myself. I had accepted the abuse towards myself because I picked him, but our children were innocent. His disease was getting more and more violent and I couldn't stay in that situation anymore.

I talked about leaving him with people after that. I talked to my sponsor, I talked to my Ala-family and I talked to a counselor. And I prayed all the time

After a fight in the morning one day he asked me to tell him what I wanted when he got home that night. I asked him when he got home to please stop using drink and drugs. He told me he had nothing worth quitting for. Very painful words to hear, but I knew it was the disease. I felt very calm when I asked him to leave. I wasn't asking him to leave alone, I had my HP, my sponsor and my ala-family with me. His not using wouldn't "fix" everything, but it was a simple way of stating what I really wanted. He had had clean time in the past. He and I had been a couple working recovery programs together before. I had been hanging on to those 6 months (we had split up before he got clean, he had been clean and sober for a year before we got back together and he relapsed the day after he received his 18 month coin) wanting to get that back. I had been hanging on to that because I was too worried about him to let him go. He didn't have a job, no income, was not talking to his few family members in the area and would have no place to go.

I knew we were over, that I was done with the dance, but he wasn't. To my knowledge he is still dancing with his dragon. I didn't have hope of his getting clean and then our family would be whole again. I did know that if he wasn't in our home I wouldn't be there to soften the bottom I was hoping for him to one day hit. I didn't want our children living with the fear, anger and terror of a raging dad and a scared mom.

The regret and guilt I had felt before didn't come this last time. There was sadness and grief. I finally allowed myself to grieve the loss of our marriage.

Keep coming back.

Mandy

Breakingfree wrote:

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Only you know when and if it is time to leave, no one can answer that for you. It took me many years and lots of hurt and when it was finally time for me I know I could no longer stay and I was leaving for the right reasons, not to change him, but to have a better quality of life for my daughters and I. With this being said we had several back and forth times and that never helped either of us. Sending you much love and support!

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 This is my thought exactly

When I was with A#2  I loved him...Dearly loved him, but I was sick of seeing him staggering drunk, talking to the tv,  getting pissed at the dogs where they would not come near him when he drank

I just left when I was tired of the BS and the hoping it would change .....so I told him....We BOTH need recovery and soon or  you are outta here...(This is MY house)

He called my bluff and when he want back to the navy base, I told him good bye...I was gonna FIND a better life and I had accepted it can't be with him.....I split with him for the right reasons.....NOT, to change him, like Breaking free said, but to help ME...to take care of ME....to let him and the fighting and pleading and begging....to LET THAT GO.....

I was done...Knew it in my heart.....It was over....kaput.....when he didn't come back as b4, yea, it was an adjustment, but I knew I would be "OK"....My brother died that year, so I was on experience overload, but I still kicked "C" out....

I will always care for him and even love him b/c he was so good to me, but that sick way of life had to end, and it was up to me to claim that healthy life I deserved

You will know when its over....and when you know, you will do what is right for YOU.....

When in doubt,  THINK....talk it over with other recovery mates or trusted family or friends, but bottom line, it is up to you and you will know if you open your mind and heart to your divine knowledge WITHIN you...

PEACE

I have been gone from my AH for two weeks yesterday.

He was not coming home for days at a time and spending all our money. Bringing home strangers to our house. luckily we have no children. He has also been controling our entire marriage (13 years) and verbally abusive for the last 8. The drinkiing and abuse had escalated along with drug use. 6 trips to the hospital in 9 months. Lately I had just been so depressed...repressing the feelings.. that I found myself wanting to hurt myself. I got violently upset (when he left and turned off his phone) that I destroyed my computer. It was then that i realized..well, committed.. to the idea that something needed to happen.

I had already almost left a few times. the most recent time I had gone to walmart and purchased bags along with toiletries etc...but.then went home. I decided that it would be in my best interest to go ahead and throw some clothes in the bag as well and just leave it in my car. THey had been in my car for weeks before I finally left. I also have a business and had (uncharacteristically) avoided putting in my cash deposits...which allowed me to have a stash of cash for emergencies/ a new life.

You are lucky..you have friends and sponsors. My AH encouraged me NOT to talk to anyone. I thought that I had no friends. and I cut myself off from my family. so I went to a hotel room...and then made arrangements with a womens abuse shelter... In the end I realized that I have some VERY VERY special people in my life who went to great lengths to take care of me.

I am not encouraging you to leave or to stay. I am encouraging you to start to trust your gut. and trust your HP. once you start doing that you will make the right decision.

I had found it easy to leave the abuser, but hard to leave the alcoholic. In going to the handful of Alanon meetings I saw that there were people that were able to cope / manage their feelings (using the techniques) when dealing with their A. I was not and am not in an emotional position to do that. as sad as it may sound. I now realize that I have my own disease...and that I can't be around him if I want to successfully treat it. My decision to leave had nothing to do with what he wanted or how he was or what I wanted him to do. I left because I decided that *I* was worth taking care of. Luckily I listed to my guts for a few weeks and when I was ready to make that commitment...I was able to go.

People remind me of this all the time.....He is a grown up...he can find his own way...if he had a stomach ache, he would go to the doctor. He makes his own decisions. This is a disease and he will (if he is anything like my AH) lie cheat and steal as long as nothing gets in the way of his happiness. He may wish he didn't drink, but wishing and committing are two different things. You have no influence over him compared to the disease.

All the best of luck to you my dear. (((hugs))

sadsusie wrote:

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I had found it easy to leave the abuser, but hard to leave the alcoholic. 

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 See, this is part of my dilemma. If he were abusive, it would be so much easier for me. But he's not physically abusive. He's not controlling. He occasionally calls me a name, but it's not THAT bad.

It's not like some of these stories on here that I read.

I feel like I don't "deserve" to leave because it's not at that level, it's not that bad. My life isn't in danger so I should just carry on. Is that silly? We don't have kids so there isn't that extra pressure. I know if i had a baby, I couldn't live like this.

I feel like I should be thankful he just gets drunk annoying, stupid and contentious... and put up with it! what? OMG, I

I might post about this later b/c I doubt I'll get any replies here. It doesn't "bump" the story to the top when I new comment is added like some other message boards do.