"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

newgirl17 · Member

I had to leave...

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome. I look back on my life and I realize that everything that happened was all there for my own growth. The question is, when will I love myself to move on and allow others to be themselves. Can I believe I'm a Child of Gof and He loves me? Can I get out of others' way? Can I get to a place that's really free? (In-laws are still part of the mix. Maybe another place to stay as soon as possible is better.) Am I really willing to work my own program and allow others to work theirs? (Or not - their choice) There are people more experienced than I here when it comes to working with fairly new people and they will be here shortly. Love Thyself.

newgirl17 · Member

I didn't really wantito come here but I didn'thave anywhere to go for tonight. Tomorrow I will look for someone else to stay with. I know I cant go home. I feel and look awful. I don't know what tomorrow will bring.

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

I've been there too. It was a whole new low for him and I realized that this monster that he had turned into was not my husband. Every case is different but do not be surprised if instead of being apologetic, he blames it on you or denies it ever happened. He is NOT trustworthy-please take care of yourself and take this seriously. If you have visible injuries, I would take pbotos to prove it happened and a restraing/protective order could be issued if you feel it's necessary. I feel for you. It is heartbreaking to be afraid of the person who is supposed to love and take care of you. Glad you're here with people who will understand.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Dear newgirl))))
I am so very sorry to hear of this terrible turn of events. Please know that you did nothing wrong. You did not cause this, cannot control it and cannot cure it. I am so glad that you took care of yourself and left.

I agree, it is important to continue to take care of yourself, have pictures taken of your bruises and talk to the police. They can refer you to women support groups in your community and offer other suggestions that are crucial for your safely .

Here is the Nationwide Hotlines for women:

Battered Women's Justice Project: 1-800-903-0111.
National Organization for Victims Assistance: 1-800-879-6682
National Resource Center for Domestic Violence: 1-800-537-2238
US Domestic Violence Hotline/ General Information: 1-800-799-7233

Please know YOU are NOT ALONE Keep coming back here. and sharing

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Newgirl...

Please know that what you experienced is VERY common. Some people are just really good at hiding it...

Also...you checked on him because you thought he was not breathing. How can that be the wrong thing to do? This, too, is a symptom of abuse..and programmed thinking....I've been separated a few years now, and there are still times if I drop a dish or something -- I immediately cringe in preparation for the onslaught of verbal abuse about how stupid I am to have done that....and those tapes "you're stupid" are automatic in my head...but I'm working on it...

WHAT HAPPENED is NOT YOUR FAULT. Repeat after me...IT IS NOT MY FAULT. THIS MAN IS SICK, SICK, SICK

Please contact some of the groups hotrod suggested...they are a great source of strength and resources AND you may be able to help someone else down the road...

Sending you healing juju

RP

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

(((newgirl))) Pictures, police, RO - all good steps to take to protect yourself and to separate yourself from this disease. It will only get worse from here. Please don't go to that house by yourself to get your things. See what the police advise. You have been through a very traumatic event. If you can afford a trained therapist that is also certified in alcohol and drug abuse, please go to one. If not, call the Domestic Assault hotline if you don't know of one in your area. You can also stay in Domestic Assault shelters in your area. There will probably be remorse on his part, tears, and an apology. That, too, is the DISEASE talking. Ignore it and ignore any sympathy, compassion, soft feelings that may come up in you. It is healthy to distrust the remorse, the tears, the apology, your soft feelings towards the disease now. Not all drunks physically abuse their spouses. This could be tied into the disease or another one. Let all the feelings of sympathy, compassion, soft feels that come up in you be applied now to you and you alone. This can be a life/death situation for you. Keep yourself safe and let HP guide you. Let HP take care of the alcoholic, too.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Agreeing with grateful2be: take pictures, call the police, get a restraining order. You can protect YOU. And, as RP said: this is not your fault. Say that over and over again in your head until you believe it: NOT YOUR FAULT. Nothing you did or didn't do caused this to happen to you. I'm so sorry he hurt you like that, no one deserves to be beaten. You are a child of God and deserve love and peace and caring and gentleness. Turn your husband over to his own Higher Power and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Also, I would look into counseling for yourself. Call the numbers that Betty posted above and find that help you may need. Sending you hugs and lifting you up in prayer today!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

agree with Grateful2be....PICTURES PICTURES and the police.....This happened once, it will happen again.....the verbal has escelated now to physical and its only gonna get worse..

If you show the pics, and file a restraint order, it goes to your benefit when you decide to end it

read and re-read Grateful's share and the others, I can't add anymore to what they say

its TIME to TAKE CARE of YOU

He did this....Not you

You never could control it, you never caused it and you damn well cannot cure it

Hes now joined the ranks of UNSAFE.....

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Also, I am sending you big hugs and peace and strength energy.....PLEASE be CAREFUL.....we CARE

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

oh honey I am so sad. NO you cannot make anyone do this to you! He is sick. Abuse is NOT part of being an A. He is very dangerous. Once a person goes over this boundary, they will kill you.

Thank you Betty for posting those numbers! If you can get to a group, they will help you as to your options.

this is what makes me always say to have a bag or whatever packed with money, keys, phone numbers etc outside somewhere and a places you have arranged to go.

You did the right thing. Geez I bet many of us, me included have checked to see if they were dead.

ONE day at a time. Do what you have to, and can, then let it go. I mean it, let yourself rest. Its ok. We can only do so much then we have to close.

In another land, my friend was visiting. There were very poor people, in hard situations. BUT they said we are poor but we dance! So they got together, ate, played music and danced together! Its ok for you to go out and do what you love, after you do what you have to. take care of YOU. keep climbing out of the pit.

I can promise you, if you can keep going forward, your whole life will change for the better. I know it hurts, you may love him, and him you. It just is not healthy. Keep coming here and venting. I was where you were, will never forget it. It was when i had to let him go forever. have not seen him for years now. When the behavior turns deadly, its rare it ever changes.

YOu are worth protecting you.

love,debilyn

-- Edited by Debilyn on Thursday 4th of July 2013 05:46:30 PM

callmemara · Veteran Member

Good for you! It is not your fault. They always try to twist things and blame you but he is really sick.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

So sorry this happened to you, and violence is never excusable, no matter what. Glad you are finding safety and peace elsewhere.... you don't have to figure all of this out right now - keep things ODAT, in manageable chunks....

Take care of you

Tom

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

You have been given so much ESH here I have really no more to add. You do NOT deserve any of this no matter what you do or not do. He is in the wrong plain and simple. I'm glad your safe. Take care of you, that is the only thing that matters right now. In my thoughts.... ((( hugs )))

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I just want to add please take care of yourself! NO ONE deserves to be abused and violence is never acceptable! I am sending you much love and support right now!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Stay close to this forum for support, guidance and wisdom..lean on us for strength so you do not get sucked back into the abuse. Reach out to agencies that will help you. YOU DID NOT CAUSE THE RAGE FILLED VIOLENCE YOU EXPERIENCED. Got it??? Take a picture of yourself and carry it in your wallet; when you begin to waver, take it out, look at it through your loving eyes and sit with how your heart feels for that person in the picture. Geez I get so mad when this stuff happens. I want to give you a hug and tell you all will be ok.

sadsusie · Senior Member

I understand...you want to help him, take care of him. STOP IT! you need to take care of YOU. listen to us. I know it took a while for it to sink in to my own head that I was living in "crazytown". no matter how much you love your AH or how much he loves you, this disease is stronger than the both of you. He has no control over it and you are NOT SAFE. DO NOT RISK IT. I called a womens shelter in my area and they arranged for me to meet with a counselor for free. She was incredibly insightful. I am a logical person and I can tell you black from white, and when someone hits you...they are abusive. it happened. face it. it is not safe. That is how I finally got my own head straight (although, in my case it was not physical but mental). All the signs point to him being an abuser. he is an abuser. Point blank. It is what it is. Don't let him down play it - because he will try. Don't let him trick you into thinking you could have prevented it. It happened once, it can or will happen again, and you deserve to be able to live in peace.

I agree - take pictures, file a report. If you are too afraid to file a report, at the least take a picture with a newspaper showing the date. Go to a womens shelter and have them log you in. This will help you feel more confident in a few days if your brain tries to downplay the situation. you can look at the evidence.

All the best to you, Stay strong!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"