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How does that happened? Everybody writes here that it is useless to talk to them, untill they are ready they wont do anything. But I am just curious, for those who were ready, how did that happened?
Hi Venera. My AH had to hit his bottom...he almost died, but I did not enable him in any way. I knew HE had to ask for help. I could not, would not, soften it for him. Thankfully, he did ask....first he went to detox for 5 days and then he went to rehab for 30 days. He has been working the AA program ever since. I feel that because this was HIS decision, that I was NOT enabling him anymore and working my own program, that he decided to to get sober. It was HIS choice and still is. I also think he was sick of being sick. He has been sober since March 2010. Every day is a wonderful gift and we both are our dedicated to these programs.
My ex-A went to AA 1 time and never followed up. We were both drunks. I broke up with him to get sober and have stayed sober since dumping him thanks to AA. I learned how to live without him and without alcohol. It took me crashing my car drunk and seeing my career and personal life going down the tubes. I'd been wrestling with it for a while. I knew I had a problem. It was a couple of years when I knew I was an alcoholic and still couldn't stop or wasn't willing to go to AA....that was the worst part. The crash and the end of my horrid codependent double alcoholic relationship was what it took for me to go to that first AA meeting and stick with it. I needed to change and had no where else to go for help (at least that's what it seemed like).
When do they need to go to detox? My AH never went, he just drinks for days and then the next day he is feeling weak but gets out on his own. This time he is actually been drinking for second week with only 2 days kind of sober in between. I don't know how his body is even handling it all. So I wonder if he will need to go to detox. I dont think he even knows that this exist.
Keep reaching out and asking for help Venera and if you are going to face to face Al-Anon meetings keep "Listening with an open mind". Sounds like the disease has you pretty well wrapped up trying to figure it and him out. For me the peace of mind and serentiy came when I stopped trying to figure it or her out. I was done and quit and like you went to get help...just sit down and sit still and sit quiet and listen, listen, listen. My alcoholic/addict started recovery before me and I felt she really needed it. I just never understood a while after that when she asked me if I thought she was alcoholic, why I answered no and then she went on on another 5 year run. We lost everything after that and after I lost everything I got into Al-Anon several years later she found AA and inpatient care and got clean and sober. You're not going to be able to fit your alcoholic into the box...He won't fit and will refuse to try for you. When he gets sober and how will be inspite of you. He will want it much more than anything else because it becomes that important to his mind, body, spirit and emotions. Often times I have seen that when the alcoholic stopped drinking, got dry and then got sober in AA the relationship or marriage broke up because the spouse wasn't doing anything for themselves and the alcoholic/addict out grew them. Sad but true. Sober isn't just not drinking. Lots of alcoholics have stopped drinking and their personalities and behaviors remain pretty much the same when they were drinking...sometimes that is called "dry drunking" and most times just plain unacceptable.
So my A/A started AA and it didn't work and then she did try it again and it did. By that time I was on my own fighting for my own sanity and life without her. HP used her as a metaphor for humility for me and I am grateful.
Have you got the literature and the meetings and fellowship around you? ((((hugs))))
The are all different, but the bottom line is when they get slammed enough by the drink, by the consequences they cause, when karma bites them in the butt hard enough, they CAN get into treatment...they CAN give it up and say "i need help.." my abusive first A did get help when I dumped him...don't know if he stayed in AA or not...i was gone.....mu 2nd A never did get help,,,don't know the end story on him either b/c we are broken up there is no "cookie cutter" thing that pushes them into AA...
however THEY have to make the decision and it USUALLY is b/c life has just gone to hell in a hand basket AND his family has quit enabling him, quit coddling him, OR HER....quit helping them, in other words the best hope for them to get into recovery is HANDS OFF re: their lives, their business, their EVERYTHING......That is the only hope I have seen A's who havn't crashed out yet just decide to quit.....
I have seen others keep getting hammered blow after blow and they still drink (my 2 brothers) I do have 1 more older bro or HAD an older brother, but when I dropped our sire's name due to his crimes, the older brother wished death or insanity on me whichever would come first...so i cut him out....by the way he is a drunk also and a very vicious and evil one too, to wish death on your own sister...oh well his karma not mine the younger bros. are sinking into the abyss with their drinking.....
the one I favor gets behind in his rent, has to borrow and beg to pay it, works it off, pays his debts and it happens again...he lives in a storage unit b/c he lost his nice shop/apt. due to constant being behind on rent.... I keep hoping life forces them into recovery, but it hasn't as yet so what drives them??? 75% of them are FORCED into recovery b/c everyone aroudn them gets smart and lets them crash and burn in their own stuff and they give up and get help Its the only hope...the only chance they will get help MOST of the time...Then you get that few who see the handwriting on the wall and get help BEFORE the tsunami hits them.......
I have gone to AA meets just for the hell of it b/c I used to drink, but mine was symptomatic of my under neath pain....in other words, I would drink when life was just too much for me re: my codependency and the crap i brought onto me b/c I was so messed up, i self medicated on beer to "escape" to "run away" from the rounds and rounds of misery I suffered b/c of un-addressed mental and emotional issues I had re: my childhood....when i got into recovery, I didn't have to numb out anymore b/c I was finding relief through recovery...
However I do think I am an addict personality b/c I can't have a box of oreos in my house, I will eat till i pop if I do...or reese's buttercups...same thing.....chocolate seems to be the underlying theme here.....yea, I can eat it at a friends' out and be fine,...but If i get a few packs to freeze for treats later???? OMG...they are gone the first night Girlscout season is my big test...those chocolate thin mints seem to smile and wave at me and give me that seductive look, and I have to decline buying the damn things b/c if I do I will go home and gorge on at least 1/2 of the box.....
I know this...accept this... and i get around it by NOT having the temptation in my house.....certain foods....does it go back to the times we kids would be left w/out food while he chased underaaged girls???? and we starved??? I remember when I could not steal bread adn milk from the neighbors delivery men's trucks, I remember me and my little bros. going out in the garage and eating dry dog food b/c mommie dearest was lying upstairs drunk and no food in the house and the "offender" is out prowling and trolling for victims..........
so..maybe I have a tendency to over eat b/c I am still afraid of lack I am getting off topic....sorry, but yea, acceptance that one has a problem is the first step.....knowing that I cannot heal me w/out help is the 2nd thing....and getting help, reaching out is the 3rd thing.....and sticking with the program is the "MUST DO" thing if I want to keep my coda in remission and live a decent life.... OK....I have talked enough....
I think you get the gist...bottom line....HANDS OFF the drunk and his/her problems, his/her consequences (i.e., jail, court appearences, lost jobs, no money for cigs or gas.....) 4get it....he/she is on their own..... my brother, I could have loaned him the $$ for his rent, but that is enabling him.....I won't do it...learned my lesson....enabling them makes them think they don't have a problem b/c life isn't that bad.....ya see what I mean???? its hard, but necessary if there is any chance the stubborn ones will get help Hope this helped you understand..............
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
