I loved my husband,too. I didn't love living with his addiction and he couldn't/wouldn't give it up. We shared history together and miscarriages and two children together. There were things I knew about him that endeared me to him and continue to do that now. Although I divorced him to set us free and although the church annulled our marriage, I still lived with the hope that he would face his addictions and go back to the person I'd met before his disease progressed. We've been divorced for 34 years. He's been dead for 12 of those years. I still catch myself referring to him as my husband. I loved him. I couldn't live with him. I had to love us both enough to see the reality of our situation. The weekend he was dying of a heart condition that nobody knew he had - thought it was the flu - my son who lived with his Dad many states away from me called to ask what to do about his Dad. I told him what he could do to help him and try to get him to the hospital. My son relayed everything I was saying to his Dad who was in bed in another room. His Dad told me through my son - thanks for caring. The next day he said he was getting better and was going to work. Then he died of a heart attack. Even at the end of his life, I was there with him in a long distance sort of way and he was sending me his love in his way while I loved him in mine. That wasn't sick. That is what lies under the disease. Love. It just doesn't mean we can stay together - even when we love somebody. (((KLotus)))

I do want to add a postscript to this:  I wouldn't have gone through with our marriage if I'd listened to the warnings of my mind the night before we married.  Trouble is, the heart sometimes takes us through something that the head says "no.  look.  stop.  wait." to and we find ourselves in an experience we didn't expect but one that can help us go deeper, grow wiser and more compassionate than we would have become without it.  You don't know that your husband doesn't love you.  He's just caught up in something that is bigger than he is right now.

You are choosing to stand clear of it and that is good for you and for him and for the children.  Please don't let this disease fool you into believing your husband didn't or doesn't love you.  Throughout all the progression of the disease, I knew deep down that my husband did love me and I loved him although I had days of doubt - and who wouldn't with all the abuse and sick behaviors that goes with this disease when untreated - but the love that tied us together somehow kept us together at a heart level - that nothing or no one could separate.  That may be true for you and for him, too.  Fear of intimacy can create in us such a monstrous way of behaving that it is more than difficult to read the love between the lines.  Build on your own health, your own growth, your own loving heart and trust that with Al-Anon and whatever other supports your HP brings to you NOTHING can truly destroy Love in our lives.  At our core, that is what we are - LOVE. 
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 3rd of July 2013 05:47:51 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 3rd of July 2013 06:23:03 PM

I went to pick up my daughter from a supervised evening visit with her (A) father, at his parent's house.  With a protection order in place, he is supposed to stay away from me, though I am able to drive to their house to pick up my daughter - so he stays in the house.  Last night, he was standing in the driveway, and lingered in the garage while his mother brought my daughter to me.  He is also stalling on our divorce agreement, not getting back to his lawyer, etc.  He now wants to be able to meet and have any method of communication freely, about the divorce issues.  I said no. 

After seeing him, I had a rush of emotions.  So many old thoughts/feelings/reactions, even fear again, mixed with newer, more positive thoughts.  I am the one walking away from abuse, and yet thought to myself "why doesn't he love me enough to treat me well?"  I was beating myself up for the attraction I've had to him, meanwhile recognized that that attraction is exactly what put me in this position to begin with. 

The successes:  Recognizing later that he doesn't love me, he loves my pain, which is exactly what he was trying to exploit (and maybe always has been, perhaps unconsciously); nothing worth having comes easily; I have to love myself more, there is no positive to going back; the further away I drove, the better I felt; I was able to maintain presence to my daughter and have a lovely evening with her (she hadn't a clue what had happened).

Riddle me this:  Why the circling of understanding?  Why don't the realizations STICK with me more than the historical stuff and the pain, codependency, attraction.  I know he is not good for me, he continues to make this situation difficult.  He continues to manipulate, even pushing the boundaries of the protection order on various occasions.  He has been abusive.  WHY do I still struggle when seeing him - both out of fear of him, as well as loving him?  I want the divorce to be over most of the time, I want to move on, and continue to do the hard work of recovery.  His energy, whenever in my presence, has always disarmed me.  My higher self has always guided me away from him. Yet, I imagine he is someone who I actually only saw about 5-8% of the time.  An illusion. 

That is a sick, sick attraction.

So confusing. 

KLotus

 

 

It has not even been a year since you have really come to these conclusions. Plus he's the father of your child and there was real love there as much as you knew how to love at the time... Be gentle with yourself. You can't rush your own recovery. You are in a difficult spot of growth...an amazing one, but painful. It will get easier. I am amazed by how much you have grown and how much more clarity you have now than many months ago before you came to all these realizations. I think you are doing awesome.

KL, My issue was or is really, never feeling worthy of being loved or loveable. If I just tried hard enough then he could or would love me, maybe there is nothing defective in me or lacking that means I'm not good enough. This is old tapes for me in terms of dealing with old childhood stuff. I have to remind myself that I'm never going to be good enough because I don't need to earn someone's love it should be freely given. There shouldn't be painful attacks verbally, mentally or emotionally. The price for wanting that love is way to high for me to continue to pursue it. ALL of that is wrapped up into him in terms of me being good enough. I go back and I see the same pattern played out in ALL of my relationships with significant men in my life. Again old childhood stuff of tapes I bought that aren't true. If somehow my love is good enough if I can save him .. what I'm really saying is if he will love me back then I'm really ok and not broken. It hasn't been that long and the STBAX is the father of my children and I'm grateful for that fact. I would encourage you to stick to your boundaries, stick to the OP because once that is broken it is hard to get a judge without serious cause to reinstate so keep doing what you are doing. I try and be gentle with myself and remind myself that the price for that kind of unhealthy love is just way to high and I deserve sooo much better. Sending love and support take it one day at a time. It just ebbs and flows in terms of those feelings and feelings lie, they do pass .. sometimes like a kidney stone .. they do pass. Hugs P :)

Dear Bettina AND Jerry F....oh yea, my sentiments exactly.....I am sooo thankful for this family on MIP alanon here and its ESH.....the warmth I have gotten since my return is mind boggling....I come here after being gone how long??? its been a while, and I come back b/c I feel me going backwards and I go "UH oh I am going back" and everyone is so great to me...making friends and getting great support, encouragment and its great...... YEP MIP ROCKS......

Man I wish there was a like button...

I can relate a lot and sometimes feel like I have had Stockholm syndrome with my exAH a bit. As much as I felt miserable and sometimes afraid of him when he blacked out, it took everything in me to walk away and stay away. I know he is not good for me, my oldest has told me so, our daughter together. I have journaled enough that I can go back and read it and help myself not forget about things that I needed to face. I do not know the future, but for now I know my exAH had some good qualities and some bad, unfortunately the bad was bad enough I had to abandon ship and save us, my girls and I. My exAh is finally meeting with a sponsor and that is wonderful, but I am still keeping myself detached and distanced, because I am working my recovery and letting him work his. I will not put up with abuse or inappropriate behavior any longer, because I am worth far more and so are you. Sending you much love and support on your journey!