Small children - Al-Anon Family Group

Venera · Senior Member

Small children

Venera · Senior Member

Hello again!

Is there a hope that small kids will grow up normal without any dependencies and issues if one parent is normal? My kids are 6 and 8 now, I am starting to work on my co-dependency. We are still living with my AH and we have good times and sometimes my AH locks himself in the room for a few days and does nothing. Obviously kids can see that, we used to have arguments, now i just ignore him when this happens. But I am concerned about our girls, do they need to go to AlAnon meetings too, or is it too early for them? I dont want them to be talking about this with their friends, because our problem is still not know to everybody, and so i dont want the girls to be treated as children of an A. Would that be enough to raise them well if I am in my recovery and my Ah may never quit? Anybody got good examples?

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Both of my parents drank. My dad more than my mom. I do think she just joined him in drinking later in life because it was easier that way. She was very do-dependent. I remember as a little girl growing up with the yelling, screaming, chaos, and even one time when my dad pushed my mom hurting her arm. I truly think if my mom would have gotten help things would have been different but she did not. Both are gone now and I have no bad feelings toward them or how I was raised. They both did the best they could. I have had co-dependency issues for my whole life. I am going to counseling now along with reading as much as I can, the meetings online and face to face meetings. I want to finally feel whole and strong about me. I don't want to always worry about other people all of the time. It is completely draining and I am looking forward in finding out who I really am.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Venera

The children stand a much better chance if one person is seeking recovery . When you are ready you can suggest alateen face to face meetings in your comunity to them or they can try the online ones mentined in this post

STICKY: WSO approved meeting place for teens living with alcoholism

(Preview/Moderate)

Venera · Senior Member

Thank you! It looks like they are still young for the meetings, but i am glad to hear that they got a chance. I dont drink, but i am co-dependent and am working on that. I dont want to overwhelm them with drinking info so early, I usually say that daddy is sick. But i just hope I can learn to act normal and raise them the way that they grow up with no dependencies

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

well things are not as BAD if one parent is getting help, but I agree with Betty, I would get them into alateen as soon as they are old enough to get into it and absorb its wonderful benefits...

BOTH my parents were drunks, sire was a sex addict on top of it, i think my mother drank to cope w/him and his beatings, serial sex offender on minor girls, his insults to her, I think she drank to cope, this was b4 I was even born b/c by the time we younger kids were born, she was already GONE....I have no good memories of these people....She, to drink w/out being interrupted would lock us kids in dog crates or cages so she could drink w/out interruption...we sat in those cages a long time, hoping an aunt would come by and let us out...I remember having to just pee in my pants b/c there was no release...my brothers, too...

my younger brothers and I , with the exception of ONE favored brother who was treated well, we couldn't stand these people....we ran away, I went so far as to find a loving family and they wanted to adopt me....my new Mom and Dad confronted him in that they told him that if he didn't share care with me, they would get a lawyer and "lets see what abuse comes out in court" He got scared and gave them a lot of freedom to come get me and take me to their home....Thank goodness I had that respite...My poor youngest brother did not and he began using hard drugs and liquour in his teens like at 15 he started....and he is disabled do to the horrendous numbing he did to control his pain....I so wish we had had alateen in our days.....maybe we wouldn't have gotten so messed up

At least YOUR kids have one parent seeking to get healthy, but, really, I would get them into alateen pronto.....

I respect you so much for caring enough to bring this to the board and to be so open about it....its hard....but those girls are lucky they have you and your deep love....I wish I had had a mom like you that cared....Mine did not.......

Thanks for your brave share......

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Venera, Some day I will figure out what, WHY I got stuck with this dysfunctional family....I never fit in with them....I am , thank God, so different then they are...Maybe younger bro. is sorta like me, but really?? when I look at the picture from "up above" in the clouds somewhere I wonder "WTH"?????? I was always the "odd ball" and maybe that is why older siblings attacked me....When I came forward about the abuse in recovery and changed my name to dissociate from the "sire from hell"...They really went after me...

I survived it and maybe all that horror caused me to be so passionate about justice, fair play and morals and my love for animals and children and my desire to help and protect them

The evil did not turn ME evil...It caused me to be a crusader for what is right..For the innocent...So I guess satan screwed up messing with me b/c I go out of my way to shove it up his nose by glorifying love and what is right and fair and just....

I have to turn this into something good....For me...To put some meaning into what happened to me....They say the best revenge is to live and to live good.....If that is the case, then I have done that.....

Just keep working your program..Answers will come and I know , reading your posts, that you are a good mom and you will do the right thing for all involved...Chin up!! AS you work your program, you will make a better life for you and the kiddos....:)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Of course they have a chance. You can only do the best you can and then the rest is up to their HP. You don't need to overcompensate either. You say you don't want them to have to live like their father is an alcoholic. Facts are facts though. Their father is an alcoholic and that is just one of many challenges they will have in life. Not all ACOAs grow up with huge issues. Besides, most of us have "issues" from our childhoods but we function and don't totally blame our parents. Don't see doom and gloom for them... They have their own HP watching over them. Just do your best as their mom and do the best for yourself and the rest will work out how it's meant to.

Venera · Senior Member

Thank you guys for nice words and sharing your stories!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I did not pursue recovery until my 2 youngest of 4 were in their teens. Overall, I have fabulous kids. Do they struggle? Yep Would they have struggled if both my husband and I had gone into recovery earlier? Probably, but maybe in different ways. Do I experience guilt? Yep, but regardless of how I raised them, I would have felt guilt about SOMETHING (seems to be a mom curse). Are my kids resilient? Yep. Are they compassionate, loving and kind? Yep. These are the qualities I tried my best to BE despite the crap going on in our home and this is who my children are and I am so proud. I never hesitated to seek help for them, either, when their struggles needed more than mom (dad was present in body and absent with his addictions). I am going to recommend a fabulous book that is non al anon literature but AWESOME. DARING GREATLY by Brene Brown. Thank you for your vulnerability in your share.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I entered recovery early on. Even got my kids involved in Al-a-Tot at a treatment center in the city where we moved when they were about 6 and 8. Took my daughter to Al-a-Teen and Al-anon after my son moved as a teen to live with his Dad against my will, but had to happen for multiple reasons. Stayed with recovery - although at different levels - and different 12-step groups to include CODA. Both have issues as does my grandson. Recovery is important for us and like everything - there are no guarantees that even with treatment our kids won't have issues. As Pinkchip says - We can only do the best we can do (there are factors besides us that come into play with our kids) and trust the outcome to their HP.
We are guaranteed, however, that without treatment - things will be harder for our children because the disease progresses and brings with it a host of ugly stuff.

I tried to protect and save my kids from everything in the early years of recovery. I became an over-anxious Mom in my effort to help them develop without harm to their psyche. I knew enough psychology to be on constant alert. One day, my 2nd grader came home with a paper stainglass window hanging she had made in school. It was a tulip in a frame. The leaves were red. The tulip black. Those colors in children's drawings combined can mean anger/rage. Immediately, I went on red alert as I contemplated what child therapists I could take her to or what new program for children of alcoholics/drug addicts. Her 4th grade sibling looked at the painting and with wisdom that I didn't have at the time - so caught up in the little bit of psychology I knew - asked: "Why did you color that tulip black? Tulips aren't black. Leaves aren't red." The 2nd grader: "Because, it was the only colors they HAD, brother."

If I had to do it all over again, I would have relaxed more, worried less, and let go of trying to raise children without issues. Home life for us all might have been more fun.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

WOW, Grateful, that was some share , I used to draw black spiders when I was a child...I remember it...I was always crying until I decided to stop at age 9 or so.....I am glad I am in recovery b/c I know I had major anger issues...feeling helpless issues,

Looking back there was nothing I could do, but I can do something for me NOW and NOW is where I am at NOW....yea, I worry, but not anything like I used to.....

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

wow. this whole thread spoke volumes to me. all of the responses helped me greatly. i too am raising a daughter in this insanity . . shes nine on saturday and despite many wonderful qualities, her dad is an alcoholic from an extremly dysfunctional background. im a social worker by profession. . anxious at heart and trying so so hard to raise her in the most healthy way i can. i screw up plenty and fall apart and carry guilt all of the time as i worry about what this all does to her . that said, im trying to pray for her peace and protection daily and i kniw in my heart that im doing the best i can with what we have. could i leave. . yes. but then i wouldnt be here for her everyday. . there would be a custody battle and id have to give up time with her and right now i just CANT fathom that idea. she begged me the other nite after seeing , not hearing us argue. . words only and then dad drove away. . she watched from a window. . she said "i dont want to be one of those kids who has two houses i want my parents everyday". . omgosh. . broke my heart in two. . i held her and cried. . and said, " i kniw baby i dont want that either. . i want us to be a family. . .and we do all we can to stay together but no promises. . ". . not sure it was the right thing but it was honest. i have so much more i could write . . my heart breaks for us moms and dads and kids who are trying to make the reality not be as awful as it seems and sometimes is. . . thank you all for this thread.

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

i want to thank grateful2beme for the private message. i tried to pm you back wirh no luck so um at least trying to connect baxk throygh this orig thread. not sure why i cant priv message wirh folks. i keep getting a red "your message is too short" notice and a blank message box. . .hmmmm

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I have never seen people who have been influenced by an A have a very whole life. We all have many sides to us.

My best friend was always non A, good worker, loves his kids sooo much. Now they are young adults and having so much trouble finding jobs, growing up. He is guiding them super well.But the influence from the A is so messed up.

they continue to cause chaos.

Myself I chose no way are my kids going to be living in a home with an A.So I raised them alone with my cool mother and my friends and other family. Both are much happier people with out the bs the A disease brings.

Just my experience. I mean for me its like this, you have poisoned water on this side, perfect water on the other. So if the people drink both, how much of the bad or the good are going to influence them?

to me poison is poison. I live my life with positive people now. hugs,debilyn

unsureoffuture · Member

I too have small children ages 7 and 4. I struggle with that same decision of if its better to stay or go. My kids don't seem affected by the alcoholism yet. My ADH is pretty "functioning" as far as the kids are concerned. Has a good relationship with them and spends time with them. He is not an angry abusive drunk more of a reclusive drunk. He just isn't a good husband to me-no emotional connection, affection, intimacy and the majority of household tasks fall to me. We rarely fight or argue so our kids don't have that volatility in the house. My ADH is in denial. I have confronted him a few times about the drinking and he cuts down for periods of time but doesn't ever stop. He just hides it more from me. I have suggested AA multiple times but he has yet to go. I have visited divorce lawyers and have a plan to leave but I worry about that. My oldest has made statements about not wanting to have 2 homes and not wanting us to get divorced. I worry about not being there for them every night when and if his drinking does progress. This is a constant struggle for me. I have decided to give it all to my HP to guide me in my decision, but still struggle with this occasionally. I just wish I had a crystal ball that would predict what the BEST overall decision would be. Alanon has taken away the anger and resentment I used to hold onto so I am content at home but not truly "happy" with my relationship. I am now happier overall and doing more things that I enjoy. I am so grateful for that. I am just taking it one day at a time and working on myself.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.