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I have a little trouble with boundaries, and the guilt that comes when I start enforcing them. It is on big to little things. -everything- but i am managing the big ones and starting to realize that no one deserves to be lied to, abused, or screamed at. However, the little ones.. not so easy..?
Maybe because they are little. But after some time, they add up and what is it that they say in al-anon... My bottom is becoming higher. I can put up with less and less lately. Last night My Abf came over for dinner, (the first I have made him in months) and we had a movie night/sleepover. He has not slept here in a month or so, and when he went to brush his teeth the tooth brush was not there. lol. (I forgot I had put it away to make space for my stuff) :D
He asked where it was and I tried to remember, and as I was thinking out loud I said, " Maybe I packed it for a trip.. hmm.. or .. let me look, I put it somewhere.." He goes, " WHAT TRIP??? WHAT TRIP WAS THAT/ HUH? " And got really inquisitive, and was bullying me, intimidating me like I was lying to him about something that had taken place since the last time he had used the toothbrush. I am sorry but who lives like this???? I just said, " i will look for it, give me a second." He huffed, walked away. I got it out, and got in the shower. When he came in I said through the see through curtain, "If you do that to me again, speak to me in a bullying manner or make me feel like I am telling a lie, I am going to have to ask you to leave. The right way for you to handle that is to wait patiently, while I try to find it and say nothing but, ok thanks. :)" He tried to throw in that he was not doing that (whats new) but now my certainty in my eyes is enough to pipe him down b/c we BOTH know what he was doing. And I only have to say it once.
He was anti social for the first hour of the movie, and I reconsidered whether I should have said anything? But since I have started working this program, my life has had so much more balance and peace in it, and I see these moments as negative and not kind. So I do not want to allow them.
He knows I mean business now b/c also the night before was a similar scenario. We actually were suppose to watch these movies the night before but because he was extremely sarcastic and rude with me on the phone while we were discussing something, I just ended the call and said I would prefer to do it tomorrow night. Now that I feel better, when I have an unpleasant experience w/ him I think about how I FEEL, and I dont feel like spending time together after anything that makes me upset. I want to relax , alone.
Just wanted to share if anyone has any support to share. thanks.
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Tuesday 2nd of July 2013 01:10:19 PM
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Glad you are checking in with yourself, listening and acting on what you need to do for you. He may or may not make any changes - depends on him and how well he has developed self-control and how far the disease has progressed. But, you are making changes and establishing for yourself what you can allow and what you can't allow in your life.
I work with folks who are sadly affected by this illness and have done that for a very long time. With some, telling them what I'll do or not do, accept or not accept and doing it has absolutely no effect on them at all. For others, all it takes is a look and they're done. For others, leaving the room and returning seems to do the trick. For still others, sitting down with them when their pain is spent, and talking things out with them seems to help them trust me. They will in turn then start telling others if they are getting heated because they don't like something to settle down or leave or come back when they're feeling better. Others get better and better at controlling themselves. And finally, there are others who are going to increase their verbal abuse and will strike out physically if I am anywhere near them or try to establish a verbal boundary with them. Those folks aren't allowed into my life or told they can leave on their own or I'll call the police. Giving them a choice - although they might leave barking at me and acting like two year olds throwing a fit - seems to help de-escalate the situation. They are all a mystery to me and I try to gauge the best boundary to utilize that will be helpful to me at the time with the person. Once in awhile, I get surprised, but most of the time I can take good care of myself in relationship to them. I don't have a hard and fast rule for it all because of the nature of my work.
I also have family members who act out in that manner - using and not using. Some of them behave the same as the people I described above. I basically set the boundary that I believe I need to do at the time depending on the relationship. I don't have a hard and fast rule for how to relate to them either and tend to utilize the boundary that seems to work best for me with my loved one. Some - like the folks above - I won't spend much time with if at all. I don't allow some of them in my personal space. Others - well again - it depends on the relationship. I generally don't take their behavior personally because I can see they are struggling if that's what they're doing. If they're intending to wound me - that's a different story. That I won't allow.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 2nd of July 2013 05:51:44 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 2nd of July 2013 05:54:00 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 2nd of July 2013 05:55:23 PM
I am so glad you are here and working your program.....and YES....our threshold for pain gets lower and lower as we work on our program
I remember how much crap and nastiness I wold take b4 recovery, Now I take NONE of it...and I let them know...I don't like the way they talk to me and I am outta here if it continues....and I am....
I had a client...I needed him...Needed the money and he would get rude w/me.....loud, boisterous, rude, and I told him if this persisted, I was gone...Out of there
He got nasty and rude about something I had nothing to do, shortly after My warning, and I walked out.....
I sent him an email telling him that I was thinking serously of quitting...that I would think on it and let him know
He wrote me back apologizing and begging me not to quit....I told him I would let him know in a few days.....He is writing and really taking responsibility and looked to be he did not want me to go....So, i decided to give him one more chance...Hes been gr8 since
Don't be surprised if you discover that you deserve a nicer date and you dump this guy who does not appreciate you...I am at that point in my recovery where I take NO crap from anyone....Life is too short...its not worth it....
keep working on you and keep working on LOVING you and wanting the best for yourself, soon, you wil really believe you deserve better and you will find that nice fella who treats you like a good friend and a special gal....
Good work...I see you moving forward....I hope you keep up the good work
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I have a little trouble with boundaries, and the guilt that comes when I start enforcing them. It is on big to little things. -everything- but i am managing the big ones and starting to realize that no one deserves to be lied to, abused, or screamed at. However, the little ones.. not so easy..?