I knew I would get that type of responce)) No, I didn't promise him to do all those things, I told him I will see if i have time. So, definatly, not going to do it! Got that out of my way))

It is hard sometimes to draw a line of what we can help with and what not. My AH usually has his 1 week of fun every two months, the rest of the time he is functional, he holds his job and actually has been promoted a couple of time lately, he exsercizes a lot, helps with the house, buit a house in Mexico, etc So he is actually a supportive husband for the most part, he does take care of the kids, etc But because of all the achievements he doesn't see the harm from his drinking, because  he is doing all other things and to me it is hard to point anything, because he usually has an excuse. He doesnt go to bars alone, doesnt lose his job, doesnt hurt us physically, etc. All I cant tell him is that he is destroying his health (but he chacked his blood and it was good), he is unavalable mentally for a week evry other month (but he will say that some people travel a lot, etc), he doesn't call/text (and he will appologize, but he will say there was nothing to worry, etc)....

Generally consequences create themselves.  It sounds as if it would be realistic to stop expecting him to call or text while he's away.  Next time, if he says, "Hey, I'll call you every day," you can say something like, "That's a nice thought.  You didn't do it last time so I won't expect it, but if you get to it, it'll be nice to hear from you."  (Assuming that's true.) 

If he's not following through on his promises, that would certainly be a cue to me not to bother going the extra mile for him.  I can see why you'd be mad that he makes alll these promises and then doesn't follow through.  Unfortunately that comes with the territory of being an alcoholic.  Not that that means you shouldn't find it exasperating.  But I think we all have to figure out how much is merely disappointing and where the level of disappointment starts being a deal-breaker.  Because disappointment is unfortunately part of the package when we "sign up" for staying with an alcoholic.  Again, not to say that this behavior is okay.

Good that you are giving yourself time to center yourself and think through your next step. In one of our Conference Approved Meditation books, we're cautioned about anger by the fact that anger is one letter short of (d)anger. (Courage to Change) Yes, telling the whole world he's an alcoholic and divorcing him are options for you to act out, but its wise for you to see that maybe those two options may be ones you'd like to put on hold until you've attended Al-Anon meetings for at least six months? Until then, you have MIP, on-line meetings, and various books that have been suggested by our members and can be found at Al-Anon's website. When I'm ready to kick someone or something to the curb, it is normally because I'm afraid of something (usually not being sure I can handle myself well in a new situation or circumstance). If I look at my fears by asking what am I afraid of and waiting for the answer, then I can work on the fears and come up with an action that is sane and reasonable and do-able for me. If I don't wait and act - except in a crisis situation like a life/death thing - I usually end up having to make an amend for it after doing what I could have done when I felt the surge of anger roaring up from within me. Anger is an emotion that hides many feelings. If I get in touch with my fears and my feelings before I act, I generally don't have to make an amend and feel peaceful inside. I know you're tired. I know you're Mom's visiting. I know you have small children. Yet - Al-Anon meetings can be the best place for you to feel some relief and get some ideas on conservative steps you can take to take care of yourself and your children that you might need right now? Lots of support!!!!

Venera,

Welcome to MIP so glad you found us.

My first thought was why confront him? It is the word confront that I am questioning. Having a logical discussion with someone is one thing and confronting is another. Not knowing your "A", I don't know if there are times when you are able to have a rational discussion with him or not. When he's drinking or drunk is for sure not the time. Might as well talk to a wall in that case.

The other thing I would ask myself before I attempted to talk to my "A" is what are my motives behind talking to him. For example, am I seeking validation about his not keeping in contact? Am I wanting to tell him that the kids miss him and I dislike being the one to comfort them when he isn't talking to them. (All things I have wanted to say to my "A" in the past) I learned that I was not able to get the kind of validation from my "A" that I wanted, so I got it elsewhere, like this board, the meeting room, calling someone in program and my F2F meetings.

There were times in the past that my "A" and I had things set up that cost us money that really weren't working for us. So I would make a suggestion about an alternate way of doing things. Maybe getting a pay as you go phone for when he is out of the country or something else instead of getting mad at him for not calling the kids or me when he was in Canada on his way to Alaska for example. Then once he was in the middle of the ocean in Alaska I knew the only way to contact me was by a sattellite radio phone that was really expensive for just even a few minutes of a call, I knew I wouldn't hear from him until he docked again.

The finances are a biggie. I feel I was blessed that I was the primary bread winner when I was with my "A" that I didn't have him connected to my bank account. That didn't mean that he didn't cause havoc on our finances. It was just limited.

There's a page in one of the daily readers about a man sitting under a tree and getting mad at a pigeon for pooping on him while he was under the tree. He got mad at the pigeon for doing what pigeons do. Then the page went on to relate the experience to getting mad at an alcoholic for doing what an alcoholic does. I truly believe that my "A" never set out thinking I am going to get drunk and/or drug to really hurt my family and really upset my wife. I believe he was just doing what someone with the disease of addiction does. So when I was hurting I looked at what I could control, not him, but me. I could sit around a feel miserable and let the kids feed off that, I could isolate and allow myself to feel lonely, I could feed the anger and hurt towards him or I could call an alanon friend, I could go to a meeting, I could post here, I could take the kids to the park or go for a walk, I could do something to change me and how I was feeling and reacting to something that was completely out of my hands. I got so tired of the powerlessness over his disease that I actively looked for things I had power and choice over.

As for those things he asked you to do... if I was in your situation (once again how I would act with my "A") I would tell him that his email would still be there when he got back, I wouldn't want to risk causing harm to his car because those are things that he can easily do for himself that wouldn't effect me or the kids. Taking that item back to the store, I more than likely would take it back because while that is something he can do for himself the consequences of it not happening would have an effect on our children. When his disease got really bad that was the line I drew in the sand, I would shield our children anyway I could because I picked him, they didn't.

Keep coming back. There is validation, love and support here.

Yours in recovery,

Mandy