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Your son is doing what he needs to do to take care of himself. Your A is doing what she thinks she needs to do to take care of herself. Your Mom is 90 and you - her child - is celebrating it with her. Your son isn't feeling well and that's all your Mom needs to know. It's her birthday! Her day to celebrate 90 years of living. And she gets to celebrate it with YOU. That's all that matters right now. Everybody gets to feel and think and act the way they want to do it. You're not in the middle if you don't put yourself there. Have fun with your Mom and make the day all about her. Let everything else go. (((Lyne)))
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 30th of June 2013 07:57:15 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 30th of June 2013 07:57:39 PM
So I'm crying at the moment. Decided I needed my life preserver which is you guys. It is my mom's 90th bday, and my son won't come to her birthday party because he hates my A. He says he is having back troubles but I don't believe he couldn't drive there with his family and sit down for food and cake. I'm so hurt for my mom. He says he will go to therapy with my A, therapist is a substance abuse counselor, but he is not ready. He is mad at her for hurting him, which she did, and he is mad at me for not leaving, which I probably should, and I feel hurt for him, hurt for my A now being hurt, hurt for my mom who may not have another birthday, and damn hurt for myself who is in the middle of this whole freaking thing. And my son has his own addiction which he is not dealing with. He is not active but doesn't see the help he needs. I'm very sad and need to put on a happy face in a few hours. I'm grateful for you guys who support me, even when you give me hard truths, it's OK. I am determined to get better, Lyne
Lyne - Why are you making it a point to do all the worrying for family members who may be hurt, may have resentment for each other, may feel this that or may not. You are assuming various family members are feeling certain ways and none of them are necessarily telling you that. Lots of assumptions and taking on all the hurt feelings of others who have not made it a point to even make their hurt your business...and even for those that have made the hurt your business, that doesn't mean it needs to be your business just cuz they say so.
I was taught in recovery to imagine my hula hoop and what it inside it and to let go of the rest. I can only influence or control what is in that hoop.
From what I am reading, the following things are not in your hula hoop: Anyone else's reaction or relationship with your A. Their feelings about you being with the A still. Their relationships with each other. Anyone's feelings that are not directly influenced by you. **None of these things are really in your control. None of them are things you caused and consequently, none are worth making your life miserable over.
What is inside your hoop: Your relationship with the A. Your choices. How you treat all your loved ones. You being there for others when you want and are able.
To me, I hear that you are going to be a wonderful daughter and you are going to help celebrate your mom's 90th birthday joyously with her (keeping it simple and focused on YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER). When you drag in all the "he feels, she thinks, they all think" it makes it a big muddle of BS and negativity that you are not responsible for and don't need to be dragged down by.
If you are too busy feeling everyone else's pain and worry for them, how will you recognize your own joy and miracles? Your mom made it to 90!! That is awesome and all you are doing is pooping on it and worrying about who is not happy with who and how to control and manage it. I suggest working steps 2 and 3 on this stuff. Don't buy into the insanity of the disease and how it affects others. Other people's feelings and problems do not always have to become your own. People in your family can be mad at each other, hold grudges...blah blah and it does NOT need to make you feel one way or the other. In fact, you can feel great if you choose. Let go of that which you have no control over. Free yourself and let your HP handle the drama that is outside your hula hoop.
Another good metaphor would be if you were getting married and planning a wedding: Naturally there will be people who don't like each other and drama and BS. Sadly, people often ruin their happy day over that crap when the best thing is for the couple to focus on their own wedding, each other, what the day means, and who they want there. The rest would be not worth paying attention to right? It would ruin the wedding for the couple. Same goes for life and most family interactions, family dynamics, and family events.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 30th of June 2013 06:57:53 PM
OMG, Lynn, I am so sorry and have been there......all thse A's or otherwise dysfunctionals around me and I am trying to put me back together and wow...its over whelming
my tactic and self preservation tool is to take care of me..work my program, do my best to give the NON scrwed up ones my love and happy thoughts and just detach from all the stuff I cannot do anything about
yea, people are hurt by so and so and they have been hurt by so and so....I stay out of the middle and just try to be a sunshine to the ones around me and let go what I cannot do anything about
my dysfunctional daughter is coming close to her birth, so NOW she needs me...only loves me when she needs me.....yesterday i come home from swimming and I had met a guy and was feeling good....I pulled the truck up and began cleaning my vehicle....advise from another nice poster here on a thread of mine about GOALS.....so I am cleaning truck and "C" is waving at me, motioning for me to "come over" and I just smiled and waved....my truck was gonna get tidyed up and that ws that.....when "C" goes into labor, I will call her husb. if she needs me to, but I am no longer the taxi who is disgarded and dumped when she no longer needs me......I will never let harm she cannot cope with happen to her...I won't enable, but I won't every let harm come to her, but I am not her "use me dump me" victim.....she, I think sees the detachment in me and I think she figures "gee mom is not running over when I wave, she is not putting herself out to me" NOOO.....I put myself out and she pushes my buttons by breaking plans with me last minute, and passive aggressive little gestures....naaaw not happening to me.....
I met a sweet man at swim...he was attracted to me but a total gentleman...we are meeting againfor a swim......I am gonna live life for me....FIND and GIVE joy and fun and happiness.......NO time for the dysfunctionals....
so have fun at mom's party and let go the other crap...she will be happy to see you....ENJOY....gotta call my deceased and drunken mom's sister who is MY mama and a joy to have in my life
she just celebrated her 92nd b-day and I am gonna call her and laugh and joke w/her....my siblings whom I have detached from except for one do not call mama...they are missing out....their loss...mama loves me and is happy to hear from me....she does not dwell on the dysfunctionals she does not have
have a fun day.......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
QUOTE What is inside your hoop: Your relationship with the A. Your choices. How you treat all your loved ones. You being there for others when you want and are able.
I LOVE this....I tell my sponsees to spread their arms and imagine chalks in ea. hand...now draw a circle around the feet.........ALL things OUTside of that circle are not my business or worry or control....whats INside is mine to do what I want with and hopefully as I recover, I take good care of the INSIDE chalk circle.....and I am....ENJOY your mom's b-day.....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Please remember that we are powerless over people,places and things. Take care of your needs and your happiness whatever that looks like. I discovered that by placing first things first, and principles above personalities at all times, did not get me what I wanted but did enable me to feel as if I had done my part.
