The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Using program tools for perspective and doing better :
I am ok considering the stress of being up close around the disease for a while. Actually better than ok because of prayers. My A son was so depressed seeming last night and into this morning over G Friend, I really had to work at not trying to fix it all for him or even to just not question him around it at all. At one point I just held his hand on the sofa & didn't say a word while he sniffled and wiped his tears with his t-shirt. (the tool of being present without trying to force solutions or take their pain on)
My heart aches when my kids are in any pain. BUT, (focusing on myself and changing what I can) I got up at 6:30 and went to beach yoga which was a great start to my day. I had energy--and we did some yard work. I felt a little bad having to bring up the bus or another ride option that he needed to get home, but he was the one who said he couldn't stay past tonight and I didn't want to be stuck driving him further than the bridge. So we needed a plan for later on. (this was taking care of myself, but soo hard to do in his state)
His mood just seemed so dam fragile- for a little while, he was getting lighter, making the coffee and saying how pretty it was here on cape and then after I brought up the ride he got dark again. He had just not wanted to even face that stashed away cell phone with all the angry messages from his girlfriend on it. I hate to see him like this and I told him so.
I did go to the noon Alanon meeting & he asked to come (he tends to come when down on the Cape). I said it was OK... BUT, part of me didn't want him to come because then I didn't think I would feel like I could share what I needed to share. BUT...HP & life surprised me and I was able to keep the focus on myself and speak my truth at the meeting about how hard it was to detach from ppl I loved who were in pain and about my anxiety over their choices. And that I was working so hard on allowing ppl the dignity to work out their problems and to not allow my anxiety for others to make me do for them what they need to do themselves in order to mature in life--how rescuing the addicts is disrespectful to their learning process and also prolonged their agony since it is a progressive disease. That felt really RIGHT.
Then he gets a call & somehow it is actually her that is gonna pick him up at the bridge. (roller coaster of disease should be no surprise to me) I don't ask questions, just drop him off and my heart aches for him as he settles for this kind of dramatic co-dependent relationship. I have to believe this too shall pass. I know if I turn my sad/worry thoughts into a prayer it will help relieve me and likely help him as well along the way. "Dear HP, I trust in the ultimate outworking of good and walk by faith today and not by sight. I release him to your loving care and trust beyond appearances that all things with your love & guidance can work together for good. Anything to the contrary is a temporary appearance that is in the process of healing now. I remain peaceful and calm focused on the truth and solution: God is in charge all will be well and everything is working together for the highest good"
I remember how my Mom said my brother used to look in his early 20's with his long straggly hair and army coat. How her heart ached for him when he would take off on foot down toward the end of our street-had lost license etc.. He seemed & looked so down trodden and lost sometimes. But look at him now...all things do pass and can lead to great things in life. There is hope & I only have to live for today and try and keep perspective--there is so much good stuff to also focus on.
I also forget that I can get soooo down about their situations, while they are off having a great time chasing the high--they aren't feeling this way any longer than they have to. That is why they say the ones who love the addicts look more worn out than the addicts do, because the addicts escape the pain and we don't. But with Al-anon I can have relief from the pain...contentment and even happiness whether or not they are using or not....
Thanks for the read--I love you all very much in a special way!!!
__________________
Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
You are my hero - beach yoga AND an AlAnon meeting both. Way to go in taking care of you. I love the part of holding his hand while he cried instead of "fixing". Good for you. Jill
