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This is my first post to your message board and I will try to make this short! I have been with/married to my AH since 2006. We are truly blessed with 5 amazing children-my 3 and his 2, who I love and adore like they are my own. Being my 3rd marriage and his 2nd I was in it to win it w/ divorce not being an option. I was determined to make whatever compromises/sacrifices to have a successful lifelong relationship. Boy is the joke on me! I have gone from being a totally independent and strong mother of 3 to a lump of mush! Never having been around an A, I quickly bought into the "Well he just had a stressful day! or He didn't eat dinner etc, etc...You all know the excuses! The level of verbal abuse I have dealt with is truly heartbreaking! I tell myself this is just his "Drunk Talk" but it has affected my self-esteem and friends and family have commented on it! I have been criticized, degraded, mocked, had countless character assassinations, called every awful name imaginable, lots of threats of divorce, horrible things said about my children, and even a few events that crossed the line and got physical. I have adamantly said NOT ACCEPTABLE! but it continues!
Regarding the drinking, he is what I would describe as a high functioning A. Professional career who doesn't miss work due to his drinking. No daytime consumption unless at the lake. Weekdays begins around 6:30 continues through evening until he eats which is late. Before I figured out what was REALLY going on, our family always accommodated this timeline. It was easier than suffering his BACKLASH if we complained. He drinks and drives which unnerves me! Especially, when we had teen age children who clearly learn by example! Truly by the grace of God, he has not gotten into an accident. At times, I secretly hope he has a little fender-bender so maybe then he will acknowledge his problem. EVERYTIME I tell him he shouldn't be driving and ask for the keys, he becomes HORRIFIC to me! OR if I simply refuse for me or the kids to get in the car-again, the backlash is tremendous! My AH is also a VERY controlling and possessive man! To extremes I have also never known! I have found liquor hidden all over our garage and through out our home, at times totally by accident and others while looking for it. The longest I have seen him stop is one day! I have learned over time to not engage with him when he gets ugly but admit this is very difficult when he is saying such hateful toxic things about me or my children. I even remove myself from the situation only to have him follow me and continue to fight.
Recently, our family experienced an episode that involved everyone being a witness to what usually only I have to deal with. And it escalated to my AH getting physical with me and his 18 yr. old son. This was the first time my oldest, who is 23 had ever seen first hand what I never wanted to expose him to. It was truly awful and embarrassing beyond words in front of our son's guest! My children have told me on several occasions they would like to be with me more often but they are afraid of their stepfather and the unstable environment we live in. Of course, I totally understand and don't blame them! Everyone is fed up with walking on eggshells not knowing from one evening to the next, if we are going to get Dr. Jekyl or Mr. Hyde.
So here I am......hard to imagine I'd ever be in this position BUT I am. I've gone through all the phases- denial, excuses, thinking I could change him OR my love could change him, anger, mourning.....etc. I've tried talking, gone to therapy, made appts for him, offered my support on a silver platter only to be told NO he will never go and cancel the appointments! NOW I realize our life will never improve unless HE recognizes he is sick and needs help. AND honestly, I DO NOT EVER see that happening! This is a man that is never wrong &/or rarely admits to ever making a mistake. Short of him, God forbid killing someone, I can't see him owning up to his addiction. AND YES- it runs rampant in his family. Paternal side with father and 2 brothers- all with severe alcohol and drug addictions. In fact, he tells stories about his father's drinking and verbal/physical abuse. Sad that he is unable to recognize this very pattern in himself!
I simply can not imagine my life continuing like this forever. I refuse to be the human doormat over and over again! I have been a loving, supportive & forgiving wife and step mother only to be treated like a piece of SH*T time and time again. And I REFUSE to subject my children to this and sacrifice my relationship with them by staying in this marriage.
-- Edited by chamoisdog on Monday 24th of June 2013 05:32:41 PM
-- Edited by chamoisdog on Monday 24th of June 2013 05:39:08 PM
-- Edited by chamoisdog on Tuesday 25th of June 2013 03:45:29 PM
Welcome to the board and the family. So glad that you have found us.
The disease of alcoholism has been described as cunning and baffling and it sure is. I once read in the Forum (Alanon magazine) of the disease being like a dragon that has its claws deeply sunk into our loved ones and the harder we try to help the deeper the claws sink and the more the dragon attempts to defend itself.
In Alanon we learn to detach with love, the 3 C's (we didn't Cause it, We can't Control it, and we can't Cure it) I also learned about what I call the 4th C, I sure as heck can Contribute to it. I have learned to examine myself and my motives and have made every attempt to not contribute to it. I have also learned the importance to allow my alcoholic loved one the ability to have the consequences as a result of their actions, in short I stopped cleaning up after him.
The most important thing is that you and your children are safe.
Keep coming back, build yourself a support system and know that you are not alone.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Aloha CD and welcome to the board you are right on with your 20/20 perception of the disease and the alcoholic....and your part. You are right on with the consequences of the disease of alcoholism in your life....and your part. You are expecially right on with your desire and plan for it to STOP!! and you've done the right thing in reaching out to MIP...This is huge support family for you and your temporary problem. From my experience only? go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area and call that number right away to find out where and when we get together in your area...next thing? go to the first available meeting you heard and take your kids with you. Alcoholism is a Family disease and your family has been deeply affected. The kids are affected different than you in many ways because they don't have as many avenues of facility as you have and are probably looking to you for rescue. This disease sucks!! and you describe what it does to spouses in high contrast. There is no such thing as a high functioning drunk especially when you look at the spouse and family. He may show up with a smile at work and he puts more hours at home and hasn't done his responsibilities there. Of course I'm talking about the alcoholic and not the husband of your expectations. First things first...get out of the house and into the face to face meeting rooms of Al-Anon. Also reading your post reminded me of what a friend did with her raging alcoholic who was always in denial about his disease...she recorded him...video and audio and then played it back at a family get together. He never drank after that. Don't know how he or she is doing now however she did use an imaginative tool.
I'm hoping and praying you'll keep coming back here and working with us as we get our own lifes straightened out. Mandy gave you a priceless 3(4)cee tool which is only for you. (((((hugs)))))
I am glad you found us at MIP and I also hope you can make it to face to face meetings. I can relate and realized after my oldest had to help me to face things. I can relate to your share very much and know you are not alone, this disease is a malicious one for sure. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Keep coming back. In a very short time, you'll find your sea legs again and will not be overwhelmed by waves of this disease, through support, on-line meetings, face to face meetings, conference approved literature and whatever else your HP brings into your life.
Oh, you don't walk alone. Have you ever heard the term, "street angel, house devil"? That was my hubby. The outside world never knew. Even my kids would say, "well, he's just tired. He has an important job." I hated his job. I thought it was the job too. It brought a lot of money and a lot of stress. He dealt with his stress with booze.
I started looking for ways to not be home. I would take the kids camping for long weekends. I would often come home to him at home with the summer flu. Laugh!!!!!! He would get to work the next day. Finally he got a DUI. And he drove a company car. They found out in minutes after the DUI. That was the beginning of the end of his drinking and of the job. They found a way to ease him out.
All I can say is "take care of yourself"!!!!! Now that you have identified what is making you sad, find out what will make you happy. Get to AlAnon. They will hold you up until you can take care of yourself. They won't tell you to divorce, or if they try to, find another meeting. They will help you think things through. Then you can make good decisions. Take it slow.
