The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wanted to vent so here I am again. I had been keeping a journal online but decided to delete it. Every time I re-read it, I got upset.
My husband was let go from his job a month ago and is having a hard time finding another one. So what do you think happens - yep Heineken and Corona have moved back in. Somewhere he finds the money - where I have no clue. And his new theory is that I should be glad he isn't out drinking. Should I do a happy dance? All I want to do is smash those bottles over his head. Then I would do a happy dance. We pretty much have no money left and are having a difficult time paying our bills. Its amazing, you are late 1 month and the phone calls start. Some creditors have worked out reasonable payments others have not and thank god right now while I still have fios, my phone is set on do not disturb. I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown. Crying and yelling all the time. Is that a nervous breakdown? I realize that I am doing everything wrong. I remember what I read here - That I cant control his actions, don't get on board the crazy train and try to find peace and take care of me and our kids who by the way are older but have lived through this bs for a long time. I cannot do it - cannot. How do you separate your life from his and live under the same roof? These beautiful girls - How do I change? I cant bring myself to go to a face to face meeting. If this is the life he has chosen, why cant he just leave?? Go, alcohol is more important than us so just go and enjoy the rest of your life. Between drinking and smoking he might not be around much longer anyway.
Even for us, our challenge is often against and within ourselves... we fight the urges of denial, minimizing, etc...
My sponsor used to tell me that I will truly choose recovery when I am "sick and tired of being sick and tired".
You sound like you are getting close to that place, and yet you say you can't/won't get to f2f meetings, and you deleted your online journal because the facts inside were too upsetting...
He's doing what alcoholics do - when the going gets tough, he turns to the bottle...
Now the key is - what are YOU gonna do? What do YOU want out of this life? Choosing recovery - for YOU - is a huge step in finding out the answer to that.
Take care, and I hope you keep coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Addiction is a powerful, baffling, and cunning disease- and, it is too much for most of us to handle alone. We can't change, control, or cure it. Insanity is defined as continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Please find and attend face-to-face meetings locally, get a sponsor and start working the steps, come to the online MIP meetings. Alanon provides the skills and tools to help focus on ourselves and the next right thing.
Journaling can be a great tool- whether you write and delete or write and save. As you know, you can continue your journal without rereading; or, use the discomfort it creates as a call for change and action for something better.
Today, this is the choice he has made. The disease has a hold on him- it is not him deliberately choosing it over you. The question is what are you going to do? Have the courage to attend an Alanon meeting. Try different meetings in your area. Listen to how people have dealt with their situation, how the steps and slogans encourage a healthy path forward. You can do this, but you would need to be willing- no one else can do this for you. The alternative is to stay on your current course.
Felt all those terrible feelings and I know you feel you cant bring yourself to go to a f2f meeting but I have found that is just when I need them most.
You are angry and have every right to be - feel free to vent, the air was blue yesterday in my home but I made calls to Al-Anon friends who understood and gave me permission to be angry!
All I can say is you cannot 'Win' against Alcohol and whilst the A is happily medicating his pain and angst we endure all that pain - is it a nervous breakdown? I used to think that until I realised it was a stress reaction, I tried so hard to 'control' the situation which was uncontrollable, so hard to make things normal when they were not. Think about it why is he going to leave when you 'solve' all his problems for him?
Do something for yourself and your kids, act don't react. It takes practice and I am still learning slowly but I do know without Al-Anon I would never have survived the hell that is living with alcoholism
The meetings helped me immensely and no one understood me like the people in those meetings and that is where I found my very wise old sponsor. I am hoping you can reach out and get into some recovery for yourself. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
this has been my experience w f2f meetings: --1st one, I listened and when I was asked as a newcomer if I wanted to say anything I burst out sobbing in front of a roomful of people
--2nd one, I listened and at the end of the meeting when someone came over to welcome the newcomer, I burst out sobbing in front of a different roomful of people --3rd meeting thru present-- I have been able to listen, learn, observe, relate, be comforted by, offer experiences etc...
Point being--it definitely gets easier and is VERY helpful for those of us who are living with, or have ever lived with an alcoholic. I agree w Canadian Guy that it sounds like you are getting to 'that point', but we are experts at putting off what is best for us. Take care of yourself and the rest will follow. The online mtgs here are helpful, and convenient, also; but try and get to those f2f meetings :)
By the way, i admire your jounalling, I am having a hard time even taking that step.
Aloha Deblisa...gonna just ((((((hug)))))) you cause everything that has been already said is what I did and I'm soooo happy and not afraid any longer. Keep coming back (((((more hugs)))))
So glad that you introduced yourself and felt the support and love of the MIP members. Please know you are not alone and that if you cannot attend face to face meetings we have on line meetings here 2xs a day Check the Meeting/ Chat room Board for more information
Hi Deb, I can here the desperation in your post. I think you cannot afford to not go to a meeting. Surrendering all the mess is the first step I took. I realised it was all too much for me, Im just one person with limitations. Im not wonder woman or Mrs fix everybodys lifes. Let it go. Easier said than done but whats the alternative - health problems caused by stress, limitless misery, obsession( has its benefits, we can avoid ourselves in this one). Problems can be made even bigger and scarier by our own minds and then the helplessness and depression sets in and dont forget the self pity. You have meda the first step, reaching out here now give yourself the gift of recovery. Go to a meeting, you will feel at home.x
