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So back in my pissy pot . Just need to rant ,I'm frustrasted . My 30 day trial seperation from ah husband went sour to me he only gave me 2 full days of peace other wise he was here everyday to drop off Tupperware or check the mail and asked to sleep over so he will( baby sit) our children for me to get to a meeting. I allowed that because I needed the face to face meeting . During the days he would show up. Never called just appeared walked in then I here the famous ( just one more thing and I leave you to your self) omg I here that I no I'm gonna here him talk for hours . Talk turns into questions and curious what I been doing in my free time. Then it turns in to a back rub which turns into what he really wanted . Then goes on his merry way . I feel like I'm being used , the children are going to see there aunt for 30 days and I was like perfect this gives me the free time to job seek get to every meeting I can and to be alone then my great feeling of freedom went away my ah told me he was gonna move back in while kids were gone. I'm not accepted to that. He never gave me the time I needed apart from him he was still here in my space. We did a pretrial 3 day sleep over to see how we'll he is recoverying and to see if he has changed his compulsive controlling behavior . That fail after 2 days the nit pick the comments the AA talk . Remind u I just started my steps . And he preaching AA to me . I said to him I wanted some time apart from him and the kids now that they will be leaving next week . Then that open the door for him to say what are u gonna stay up all night are you gonna go out every night. Why can't I stay here and I leave you be. This won't work he can't leave me be he has to clean my side of the street first before he does his, I don't like that . I'm back in my defense and spiteful mode. He stayed over last night and it was a desaster , our conversation took the toll of him being the first and last say. He ask me a ?? When was the last time he did a body search I said last week. He shouts out AA term fact fear false eveidence . He stays with a AA friend who always in his face to keep him focused on himself . And not me. The point is to me this is like aa military he the drill sergeant he barks questions and when I'm wrong he tosses me in the ring . I do not like this new behavior he learned from his AA friend . To come here and talk to me in AA phrases and not talk to me as a spouse puts my wall back up. Thank u for letting me vent .
It's a powerful, baffling, and cunning disease. It would take most of us a long time to change a behavior without the complications of addiction. Thirty days is not a long time considering the nature of the disease and the length of time it took for things to devolve to where you describe it today. Having expectations from someone who isn't thinking rationally will likely lead to disappointment and resentment. We can't change or control what the addict does, but there is plenty that we can do for ourselves. This is where Alanon helps give us the skills and tools we need so that we learn to focus on ourselves and taking care of ourselves.
It was suggested to me to give Alanon a minimum of 6 months before making any major decisions. For me, it is an ongoing practice to learn how to apply the principles and slogans in a meaningful way. Keep sticking with the program, online meetings and face to face (when possible), call people on the phone list, work with a sponsor.
Take all the time you need for yourself and get to the meetings you want to. You are a grown up and can make your own decisions. He obviously is afraid to let go and not have a say over you, but you choose to give up your power or not. You can outline what you want and what you are going to do, set boundaries write it out and let him know what you want in black and white. I found it easier to not bend when I had it written down. It is hard and I waivered at times in the beginning, but I knew what I needed and eventually did it. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
