The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AW of 7+ years has been sober for about 7 months now. We have 2 children together, 7 & 2yrs old. She was sober for both their pregnancies and for a while after, but eventually started drinking again. We've certainly had our problems. A few years ago, she cheated on me emotionally, which I only learned of by chance, called her out on it and she admitted that she wasnt happy and wasnt getting what she needed from me, didnt feel the love from me. We reconciled, I worked on being more romantic for her and attending to her needs. Things were ok for a while, though she was still drinking. About a year and half ago, she started going to AA was sober for a couple of months. During which time she told me she wasnt happy again, that I didn't show her the affection she desired, the compliments she needed, give her the attention that I had promised...true some of the things I had worked on, being more open with her and whatnot, I had let fall to the wayside. So I resloved to seek counseling to get the help I needed to open up for her, resolve some anger issues (never violent btw). In the meantime she had started drinking again and I noticed a change, became suspicious and found she had once again started talking to a co-worker, "seeking the attention that I was not giving her"...she denied it, lied about it, hid what she could, admitted only to what I could prove, but it did end. We're all military, even so I was able to get a no contact order issued. She was extremely upset about that at first, but I felt that I had to take steps in order to save what was left of the marriage. She moved out, we struggled. I drew up guidelines for a trial separation. She wanted divorce, but I fought for us, the marriage and the familiy. We went to marriage counseling, seminars and whatnot... I went to more counseling. AFter a couple of months, she came back, we had rekindled and reconnected. That was last July. Late Jan of this year she spent a little over 4 months deployed to the desert and got back about 2 weeks ago. Everything seemed to be going well, we communicated every day. She was working the steps with her sponsor via email. But about a week to 2 weeks before she came back, I could tell something was off...I mentioned that when she got back it might not be a bad idea to get some more marriage counseling and she balked. When she got back she was different and distant, where only a few weeks before we had both been so excited to reunite. I finally dug it out of her two days after she got back. She said while she was over there she had alot of time to think about us and in doing her stepwork. Where only 2-3 months ago she admitted to me and apologized to me, saying that her disease had led her to the emotional cheating, now she's saying that we are missing something, that something is missing for her, some connection that she needs, that she loves me but not the way she used to...and she says that now she realizes she was able to mask it with her drinking, but now that she's sober...she wants me to let her go. She says she wants to be free to be happy, to do what she wants without having to worry about me being suspicious (obviously our trust in broken). Says she hates marriage, that "her God" thinks ending the marriage is ok, as long as it makes her happy. Says that she wants to simplify her life, get rid of the house, that she hates feeling tied down to it...
Of course I'm devestated. I've worked so hard to change certain things and be a better husband for her. I feel that no amount of effort is too great to try and save the marriage, heal our relationship and save our family! But she is 99.9 percent certain that there is no hope for us and is no longer interested in trying...she has given us roughly a month, so that maybe her feelings will return...I just don't know what to do...I started going to Al Anon mtgs 2 weeks ago, wishing I had gone WAY before now...I've decided to do the best I can to save the marriage, trying not to be bitter and depressed, or to at least show it...trying to put on the best face so that maybe her feelings will return....but it is not easy...I know I need to Let Go and Let God, but wow...it is soo hard...
I appreciated you all in advance for my long vent...I'm new to Al Anon and just wanted to hear peoples thoughts who have more experience than I...I also dont know what to do for a sponsor, my wife says you're not supposed to have a sponsor of the opposited sex, but so far, I've not seen any men come to the meeting I go to...so I don't konw what to do...
That's a tough one, to be sure... Glad you're starting to get yourself to f2f meetings, and the only other thing I would suggest was a common (wise) suggestion from my sponsor to me... Try reading your post again, but from the perspective that this is happening to your close friend, who you love unconditionally, and what would you want him to do? It's tough for us to separate ourselves from the emotions - I fought for a long time to salvage my concept of a white picket fence marriage, to the point that my counsellor had to tell me (over and over) "Tom, you are trying to salvage a white picket fence marriage, but yours is NOT a white picket fence marriage!".
Counselling can help, when BOTH parties are eager to find a solution.
Keep coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcome, your post resonates with me because I heard the same thing .. the no connection was there, all we have in common is the kids. I also found this translated into an emotional/ physical affair he had with someone at work. I thought I was doing what a spouse does to salvage my marriage. I shouldn't have to beg ,plead or bargain for someone else's love. Yes divorce isn't easy and in my case it's been long and painful. It wasn't the first choice and I'm glad I had and have Alanon to help me through. Alanon has taught me I matter and I deserve to be happy. I hope you keep coming back .. maybe things will work out maybe not in your case. I'm grateful the lessons I've learned are helping me be true to me vs living for someone else. Hugs p :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
The thing that comes to mind for me is that lovely saying... "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you it's yours forever, if it doesn't, it was never meant to be."
Now, the "it's yours forever" thing is a bit over the top, but what I get out of that quote is when I let something go, it goes into my HP's hands and HP handles the rest from there. It's HP that determines if that person returns or not, and that if there is a return, it may be completely different from what it used to be.
Your AW is taking care of her needs and putting herself first. It's time you do the same for yourself. She's basically requesting you practice detachment with her, so you have an opportunity here to go with the flow and detach, if you choose.
In the meantime, try getting to several Al-Anon meetings in the next few days - if there's one every day of the week, I'd get to it. I know for me that at times like these, I need a really good spiritual shot in the arm, and bumping up my meetings helps tremendously.
Al-Anon is an opportunity for you to learn how to take care of you - for your sake. I can understand how devastating this must all feel to you. It must also be very disorienting because you've lived your life for a long time in the role of husband. That role has ended for now, but you have not and your role of father has not. Perhaps you feel as if all that time you spent in marriage counseling, etc was wasted, but if it helped you grow - it was worth the effort on your part. There is nothing to be gained by wanting a marriage to a person who tells you that something's missing for her as much as you wish her reality was different. There is something to be gained by wanting a life for yourself that includes the right partner for you. And the best way to help yourself be ready for that right person - the one your HP might be preparing for you and you for her - is to continue Al-Anon and counseling (preferably with someone certified as an alcohol counselor as well as a therapist) and to start doing things you used to do that you loved before you became a husband and had to work as hard as you have on a marriage that was as painful as the one you've described here. The more you fill up your life with your children and doing things you love to do and things you need to do for you, the more quickly this chapter in your life will become less important and the new chapters of your life that you can write will become deeper, more fruitful and more satisfying for you than you've experienced thus far. The time you've shared with your wife has produced fruits for you, too, in the form of your children and other things that you can be grateful for as you consider what marriage has meant to you in terms of growth and life lessons learned. It is my belief that some marriages are meant to last a lifetime while others only for a time but the most important marriage bond is the one we have with our HP and ourselves because that one can last forever and is never disappointing. Lots of support as you learn to accept this unwanted yet apparent change in your life. You're not alone. Many of us have been divorced and remarried or divorced and stayed single. We understand on a feeling level and a practical level how difficult the end of a marriage can be. We also know that there is and will be new life for you and that you can make it through this time a little wiser, a little stronger and later a lot happier. Keep coming back.
My ESH... 7 months in she might change her mind again, and again. Its a roller coaster, drinking or no drinking.
In the end you might have to walk away from marriage, but not from family, of course. But it is a work in progress.
Talking it through is a great help. Ok, I have bin married 30 years, and believe me I have bin through it all!
Getting help for your self- just talking to others- might make you less needy, in yourself, and a little more available in the feelings dept.
My Alanon sponsor was a woman. No men available. Actually she and her hubby worked together... it was a great deal.
There are ways around the rules... especially if you picked someone who was willing to meet your wife, and someone your wife trusted.
Emotional stray thoughts are really normal, especially when kids come into the picture. Getting with that is something that helped me to mature and to live with my own human nature...
...my friend, I admire your sharing and your hope experience and strength...
Aloha Gaholfer and welcome to the board. Dang that reminded me of my past with my alcoholic/addict. It was easy to imagine that you had found her and then I've been rightfully accused in Al-Anon at time of being a bit delusional. Your story is a large part of my own even up to the starting Al-Anon...great for you. Sit down (all the way down), listen, listen, listen (with and open mind and for the similarities in the shares with your own) learn from the fellowship and the tools; literature, sponsorship, meetings and then practice, practice, practice. You've always had the responsibility for self care as important as caring for others and now its more important. My take from my experiences in my life is as long as there's memory there will never be divorce while there will be different ways to handle it. I worked harder at a different "d" word before the divorce and that "d" word was detachment; first with anger and then disinterest and then with love...all taught by the fellowship of Al-Anon and my sponsor. Yes it was miserable until all the lessons started to kick in. I learned to love an alcoholic...How big is that? Wow!! You are also Ga.
There isn't much beyond "Insane" to describe the alcoholic relationship. If you inventory your efforts and come up with "I've done the best I can with what I have" turn the rest over to your HP and move toward making yourself and keeping yourself serene...mind, body, spirit and emotions. We only get one day to live our lives and that is the day we're in.
I understand where you are at, what you are thinking and how you are feeling, and what can come about for you as you continue with Al-Anon. In support ((((hugs))))
Thanks for your posts and your thoughts. They are all welcome. I'm still going to meetings, still hoping to find a sponsor and truly begin my own journey. My wife decided she wants to seperate and potentially divorce. I'm thinking that is probably what will happen. Of course I have the whole range of emotions going on, almost all at the same time, lol. I know what I get in my meetings, what I've learned and what I hear from you...time to take care of myself, let go and let God...knowing what I need to do and actually doing them are not so easy, lol. I'm pretty bitter. I've given up trying to convince her of the mistake I feel she is making, so that's actually a step in the right direction. I've started looking for a place to live, she wants to do split custody, week on and week off...so as a father, that's great! Father's don't always get that kind of a deal. She also wants to spend evenings together as a family, dinner, the kids and whatnot...at each other's place, wherever the kids are...we'll see how long that lasts...I think she wants to have her space, but doesnt want to deal with taking care of a 7 and 2 year old alone...what can I say though? I've got to take advantage and spend as much time with the kids as I can and it WILL make it easier on them with the transition...so I'm staying positive about that. Honestly, after all this, getting my own life together seperate from her and her "insanity", if she, say a year later sudden realizes she's made a mistake and wants to try again...I don't know that I'd be able to after so much...shoot, even right now...not sure that I could and I havent even moved out yet...ugh. It's all so frustrating.
Just a suggestion... watch and listen to the third video in my post titled "two songs I can relate to"... and read what it says. There is a message of hope there for you, if you are taking care of your side of the street and joining the fellowship of Al-Anon as though your life depends on it, because for most of us it does, or at least the quality of it does. Hope you will jump into the middle of this program because what you are dealing with is bigger than you! Learn how to turn it over and live in the moment, in today.
John
__________________
" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
My ESH... 7 months in she might change her mind again, and again. Its a roller coaster, drinking or no drinking.
