l don't know what to do... - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

l don't know what to do...

newgirl17 · Member

The past few days my husband has ignored me. I have carried on with my own business. I have not texted him or called looking for him. Tonight at bedtime he said he needed to talk. He said that he felt we needed a break. That he was ignoring me so I could get used to being alone. He said that he loved me but that he was not in love with me. He said he wanted to live honest and to live alone. That he wanted to be in a relationship where their is no past. That I needed to leave the house. And that if our HP wanted us to be together that we would find our way back. I just layed their in silence. I cried a bit and I tried to talk about counseling and to try to Stay together. Then I asked if he wanted to separate just so he could date around and not have me their as some kind of burden. He said no but I can't trust a word he says. I really don't want to leave the home I feel like we can work it out. Maybe I'm just being a hopeless romantic. Maybe i should leave. Maybe I'm crazy to think he can change. I'm struggling to sort out my feelings. I do love him very much. I'm just so confused.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

It seems to me that he should leave, is the house in his name only? Maybe this is your hp at work. This could be your chance to grow and recover. Your h sounds like an ahole that will most likely end up alone but you could build a good life for yourself without him mentally abusing you. Alanon will help you towards peace.x

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

I just LOVE alcoholic thinking...he's ignoring you so you can get used to being alone. How NOBLE. Really?

Separating is hard enough...he doesn't need to screw with your mind like that too. Keep coming back...and when he talks, think Charlie Brown's teacher..."wa, wa, wa,...."

Sending strength,

RP

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with the other ladies....unless YOU chose, there is no need for you to leave. Are you attending al anon meetings for face to face support? It is important for you to be able to look into the faces of loving/accepting people and settle into comforting arms if offered and accepted (if and when you are comfortable). You have been whittled away by your husband. Sounds like it is time for extreme self care.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

If there is a much better, healthier, and supportive place for you to go, then I could see leaving. I needed to be around family and friends for a bit before venturing out into my own place. Economically, speaking it was a wash with where I lived with the ex-A so I did leave with just 2 grocery bags of clothes and it was better to just be gone for me. I needed separation from him and the environment PRONTO. I don't know if you are there yet. Depends on your level of conviction.

The ridiculous reasoning he talked about wanting a relationship with "no past"...that is so beyond insane. Active alcoholics always think they can press a "restart" button by moving or ending relationships and starting new ones rather than making true amends and changing from the inside out. Wherever he goes and whatever relationship he enters...there he will be: The same crazy drunk who doesn't really work on problems and runs from them.

So what is there to work on? What is there to salvage? I suspect you might not be in love with him either and there's a lot of fear involved which you are interpreting as "love." What do you really get from him? Can your HP give you that? Yeah. Your HP can give you all that you think you get from him pretty much and you can give yourself that stuff too. You will be okay. Just keep reaching out. We don't do this alone and we don't have to. Your fellow alanoners will get you through this.

newgirl17 · Member

Thank you all for all ur replies u have given me much to think about. This morning he woke me up to hug me, tell me he was sorry and that he loved me. I didn't say a word. I got up and started the day. Before he left for work he came into the kitchen and hugged me again and told me he loved me and said he doesn't know why he has such stinking thinking. Again I didn't say a word. I'm more confused than ever and I have a lot of things to think about and consider. I don't have the money to get my own place and my family is just in as much chaos as I am. My best friend has a full house as well. The home we live in is my mother-in-laws old home so I would be the one who would have to leave. I don't have anywhere to go. I have a lot to think about.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear newgirl,

I can certainly understand your confusion and uncertainty. We have all been in that boat and that is why alanon suggest that we make no major life changes until we are in program from 6 months to a year, unless there is a threat of physical harm.

This is a powerful suggestion as we need that amount of time to regain our sense of self, confidence and self esteem. In order to make wise choices for our future we need to develop new constructive tools to live by. Alanon provides a safe place to develop these tools and a group of people to practice using them with

I urge you to search out the Face to Face meetings in your community and attend

You are worth it

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You don't have to go anywhere right now. Go to meetings, begin working the 12 steps, your thinking will become clearer and you will be able to better hear the guidance of your higher power. All of us know the Jekyll and Hydes that exists inside of an addict...that is what you are experiencing..he is, once again, luring you in to his world of sickness. It is spell casting. Once you are in again, he will zero in on your vulnerabilities. Stay strong through the al anon program and do not tolerate his bullying behaviors UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

This must be so upsetting for you but is he the type of person that enjoys having power. He makes you feel insecure and then he can behave any way he Likes? I'm not sure but his behaviour is intolerable in my experience. Go to alanon, you will gain clarity and that will help you ddecide what to do.x

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

That had to be very hard to hear. I agree, he is the one wanting changes, I would show him the door.

Knowing A's they never mean what they say anyhow. He will probably change his mind again....but who needs it?

Its ok to love him, but you don't have to live with him.

Maybe look down at you guys like it is a movie. What would you say to that woman?

Myself, I have always felt if someone does not want to be around me, or is mean on purpose ONE time, that is that. I love me too much to put up with it. And yes it was a horrible struggle to get back on my feet, but I did. Learned so much, am a better person.

I am so sad you were treated like this. No it is not fair. Sadly with A's who continue to use, they get much much worse.

Glad you are here! love, debilyn

flinn66 · Senior Member

What do you want? Alcoholics don't mean what they say, often don't remember what they said and distort anything you say as well - at least in my experience.

As has been said be very wary of making life changing decisions until you you are in a position to better understand, and it is important to get along to f2f meetings and get support, love and the experience of others.

He has destabilised you, I spent 8 gruelling years having my life destabilised - its hell, it took me time in Al-Anon to start restoring my sanity and my self-esteem, even now I can still struggle to understand what it is I want but I am learning to love myself and to not let Alcoholism wreck my life - I matter too much and the program and my HP remind me of that every day.

Alcoholics not in recovery get worse, I had to make a conscious decision not to get worse with them

Hugs

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.