The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I had a busy day. I went to my first church service (a healing service) and had my first communion in over a decade. I went to my very first counseling session. I packed my suitcase and "left" my husband. And then headed to my first alanon meeting.
I have been living in crazytown for so long it is hard to know what is right. But I am noticing a theme. The sky is blue and you need to consider taking yourself to a safe place. There is nothing wishy washy about peoples reactions or responses. I have not been physically abused, mentally abused to the point of self destruction - yes. I can say that alcohol makes people unpredictable, and that aspect certainly makes me feel unsafe. I don't want to give anyone the wrong impression. I am not in danger, but I don't feel "safe". If that makes sense.
My husband returned late this morning along with two friends (that I have never met) and he has know for less than a week. They drove one car. So needless to say I figured they wouldn't be leaving any time soon. He is complaining that he is sooo tired. (duh! - you've been gone for 3 days). He took a nap and then I went to counseling.
She, the counselor, was pretty much like - he is a stage 4 alcoholic and you need to take care of you. (where have I heard that before?). Get your affairs in order.
On my way back I prayed to God the he wouldn't be here. and lo and behold he wasnt! Answered prayers. and I only even asked once. So I had enough time to run up and pack extra clothes (I already had a bag packed with toiletries and one change of clothes). He even called me and tipped me off that he was on his way back.
I tried to speak to him about how I was feeling etc. but he said screw the counselor, he said if he was there she would be on HIS side. How I am unaffectionate yadda yadda. How could I think of leaving. I should see how bad other wives and girlfriends are treated (REALLY? really? boy I wonder why I don't feel better??). Its my fault...he has wanted to leave me for a long time too, but he hasn't because ....something about him being a better person... To which I concurred....lets just split. But he was having none of it. I felt like I sort of gave it a shot, but there is no way of communicating with a drunk.
So I ran out the door and drove off, forgetting that his "friends" were still in the car. So they followed me! He tried to talk me into coming back but I kept telling him that I needed to do this. Finally he left and I headed to an alanon meeting.
He texted me if I was OK after my meeting, but I don't think he did it because he cared. I told him not to be mad at me and asked him two times if he was going to "hate" me for doing this - to which he did not reply. in the end he basically demanded that I tell him where I was staying. What would be the point in that? I just won't feel safe again. I ended up (cause i am a sucker) going by the house, his car was not there...I packed a couple more things, and considered staying, but was uneasy. He called and again I felt like he was bullying me into staying. He was not offering up any hope or positives only threats about how hard it will be for me. I am sick and tired of doing things (or NOT doing things) because he bullies me and intimidates me. "I cant leave him because I can't survive" I feel like by leaving I have proven to myself that I am a grown up woman! Hopefully he will catch the drift too. at one point he told me that he WAS going to find me. I told him that I was driving until I couldn't drive any more. how unfair it is that I have to allow this to potentially ruin the life in our beautiful new town. But I am getting ahead of myself. I have to stay committed to the idea that taking the risk of running away may mean I lose my current way of life. But to jeopardize my "earthly" comfort for freedom and peace and fulfillment is not such a bad trade.
Back to the alanon meeting. Great people, only 7 besides me, but they shared lots of wisdom. Specifically that I need to remember that he is sick and that the mean things he says are meaningless and I have to ignore them. That one thought gave me HOPE. Unfortunately, I am not of a capacity to be able to do that right now, and i believe the control issues he has are bigger than me "ignoring" it. The very first thing he said after I saw the counselor was - WAS IT A MAN!!!!???. YEah that is what I have to deal with. He also asked me if I found someone else. (unbelievable! If you knew me you would know it would be out of the question). Right now I don't want ANYONE lol!
Another nugget was to learn to Accept things. That learning to accept things is not condoning them or agreeing with them, it is just recognizing it for what it is. I am not sure how I am going to apply that wisdom to my situation right this minute but i am holding on to it for later.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring...I do find it interesting that He has been gone for 3 days without contact, but I tell him I need space and he is in complete disagreement.
I'm so glad you went to alanon. That is all about you. For me I was on a high because I immediately began to feel better. The books are brilliant. I feel as if they know me, they tell me what I need to hear so often. Welcome to an amazing journey towards clarity and freedom from so many things.x
That whole unsafe thing .. I sooo get. You are taking care of you. Keep going to meetings. Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hugs to infinity for you....bask in your courage and strength. Much of what you said rang true at one time for me and your husbands's reactions were like my husband's. You took away his whipping post when you left. Thanks for the update and keep coming back to al anon and to this forum. Perhaps in your meeting you will resonate with someone who you can ask to be your sponsor.
. I felt like I sort of gave it a shot, but there is no way of communicating with a drunk.
But to jeopardize my "earthly" comfort for freedom and peace and fulfillment is not such a bad trade.
Back to the alanon meeting. Great people,
Another nugget was to learn to Accept things. That learning to accept things is not condoning them or agreeing with them, it is just recognizing it for what it is..
Dear sadsusie
I copied your very wise and powerful words because they reflected such determination, courage and truth.
Keep on taking care of yourself and please keep coming back
Sounds like you are really at a crossroads and are showing much bravery, courage, and faith. Alanon will not steer you wrong.
You have years of minimizing and rationalizing away his unacceptable behaviors. Even in what you wrote where you are now questioning things...you stated "I'm not really physically unsafe" Umm...He's bringing all kinds of strangers who may be criminals or dangerous also around your house without permission or consideration. Those people could rob you or God knows what else. In sum, you have a husband who's judgment is flat out terrible and that is VERY UNSAFE not speaking to whether he is a wife beater... But yeah...there is plenty of coercion, threats, and emotional abuse that you are describing as well so that is also volatile and unsafe. You have every reason to be going to a domestic violence or women's advocacy organization.
You don't have to justify, argue, defend, or explain your position or your reasoning to him. You have a priority to yourself and it sounds like you are realizing that now more than ever.
You're doing great, Susie! Great big hugs to you. FYI: the things your AH said to you about the counselor and the 'other man', my AH says these things stone sober to me and doesn't have the excuse of alcohol. Keep going to meetings, focus on what you want for you, and listen to what the counselor said. You don't have to share that information with your husband, what is said in counseling is private and you're not obligated to share. Keep God close to you and stay safe. HUGS!
Thanks for your words of support. Today is day two of no contact..at least minimal. a little texting in the early morning. More of Where are you?? and I will find you. and this is so wrong of you I've been sick all night. To which I said "I know the feeling".. then I said I was sorry I didn't mean to hurt him, our life is out of control, adn I don't like strangers in the house. To which he replied "Whatever!!" So, there you go. If he has no kind words to offer I have no kind words to offer. He can get a dose of his own medicine. in the middle of the night he texted that he doesn't want to live without me and tha tI am his soul mate. I told him I missed him and I love him and he is my soul mate too. He said "where are you". I didn't tell him but asked him for more kind words..I want to come home..asked again for kind words and he said (haha) that he needed time for himself. Too funny. so I said OKAY. guess he will have plenty of it. Cause right now my guts are telling me never to go back.
I called a crisis hotline..for abused women...was (thanks to answered prayer) able to get a meeting with a counselor in my actual little town I live in! everything I told her about my life she pretty much could have predicted what I was going to say next. He is a Textbook abuser. It is practically on paper - ABUSER= my husband. She did not tell me what to do, but told me to follow my guts. And pointed out that I have been taught to ignore my guts and instincts all these years. OH MY...my phone just rang..it was him. I want to vomit. but I CANNOT pick it up. I have decided that no good will come of my communicating with him. none at all. a day or two or a week or two of silence won't change anything I am either leaving or I am not, if he holds a grudge and the silence is the deciding factor - then we are not supposed to be together.
I want to also say that my HP has had a plan all along. We both became really close to our former neighbors. We were close enough that we didn't knock on doors we just went in. we spent holidays with them. They are amazing people. They have children our age, one a lawyer, and one who suffered 15 years of mental abuse from an alcoholic (Which I found out about today). So, even though I hesitated calling her, my neighbor, because I felt like I needed to protect him, I did anyway! go me! So I did not have to pay for a hotel or stay in a shelter. She immediately told me to come to her house even though bother her daughters, their kids, and a bunch of her family from out of state were at her house. She pulled me aside into their RV/camper and I laid it all out. Her lawyer daughter gave me the name of a GREAT lawyer and sent her an email for me along with the luxury of dropping her name to get a fast appointment. The other daughter offered moral support. OH, and since so many people were over (some small children)and there was some concern that my husband would come looking for me. I am actually staying in one of the daughters house which is empty cause they are all staying with my neighbor friend. I have the house for at least 3 nights. I have been offered to return to my neighbors once the family is gone etc. But I may have enough time to start finding a place to live.
I am fighting back the tears of how big of a change this is going to be for me. but tears are okay i guess. Luckily I have found a ton of support! I hope anyone who is thinking or feeling the same way as this is as blessed as I am and they gather the courage to take a stand.
You took the right steps and your HP led you to the people that you needed for your support and safety. Well done and rest peacefully, you will need your strength.
