The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Get it all off your chest and if you still feel like you need to vent more, come here and vent.
And its ok to tell your wife in a calm manner how you feel about the whole ordeal. How it made you feel.
After 27 years with the Alcoholic and all his ups and downs and drama. And after driving drunk for so many years, he gets a DUI. $30,000. later, he is still drinking. That was it for me. I could see he didnt see, or his disease didnt see the significance and consequences of the boundary I had implemented. I asked him to leave. It killed me, but I had to do it for me and my health.
That was 2006, since then the A has faced death three times, a heart attack, a rupturing of the esophagus, and now the final blow, he is on life support in intensive care and his organs are shutting down. 58 years old. Handsome man, was intelligent, had everything going for him. But the disease Kenny, I don't want to take the meaning out of the word cunning, as we use it a lot. cunning is such a small word compared to the BEAST that takes over the bodies and minds of these poor souls.
I went to visit him in ICU a few days ago, I called his name, he opened his eyes, but went back to his unconsciousness, there was nothing I could do for him. Its been 21 days , Is the Universe still considering his fate? Does he get another chance or has he used them up. After all this disease takes everything we have from us the spouses, sometimes we are full of anger, we loose our dignity, our patience and after awhile it can affect our self esteem and even create self loathing. All the things that the chronic alcoholic is feeling , I am sure, transfered upon us.
We must rely on Alanon , our HP and the help of others to get us by. The one thing we must do is to value our own life. That's what Im praying for, that my X husband, even in his state, whether he comes back to this life or goes on to another, that he will value his own life. Kenny, remember to value your own life.
Keep coming back! hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 18th of June 2013 11:01:24 PM
My wife got an Operating While Intoxicated charge a couple months ago. Today I took a day off work to drive her to the counselors office for an evaluation for the court, shopping while we waited for the court, attorney appointment, hearing, and initial probation meeting. She was told multiple times she can't drink period during her 9 month probation. And she will lose her license a total of 90 day
We got home and were both exhausted. I took a nap and when I woke up... She is drunk. She's apparently found a bottle of vodka she had squirreled away previously. And I am now taking it personally after all we went through today. I can't believe she would do that.
Of course I know is this is a cunning disease, she doesn't have full control over it etc. I really just needed to get this off my chest, the detachment process has finally taken place. Then she will wake up tomorrow ashamed and not want to talk about it, and I will have to force it. Won't be much fun for either of us.
(((((Kenny)))))...doesn't she already know how its been affecting you and have you not already talked over and over about it? I remember when I decided to stop talking about it and that I would bring the bible into her as she laid in bed bleary eyed and hung over feeling like crap. I gave her the bible and then found out that bibles can fly...right back at me. I told my sponsor what happened and he asked a great question "So why did you harass a sick person"? Duh...I still wasn't getting it and then a page in the ODAAT daily reader spoke to me with some thing very close to "I say that I would do anything to help the sick alcoholic...except get off of her back". Do you have phone numbers from people in the fellowship that you can call and go out to coffee with. Is there a meeting available in your area. If there is can you go to coffee with the fellowship and maybe get in a "meeting after a meeting"? It is so very difficult to wake up in the morning without a resentment against the alcoholic...resentment is our kind of hangover after they've done the drinking. Hope that doesn't happen and hope your wife doesn't progress to where Bettina's Alcoholic lays. Keep coming back.
Hi! Hard stuff. Hard day. Hard experiences. Would love to paint a pretty face on the whole mess for you, but can't. What I can say is that each day of detachment can bring more healing and health to you with support and working your program. I'm hopeful you can figure out a way if there is one to separate your finances and property from hers. The courts can order anything they want and have her jump through any hoops they want, but she will choose what she chooses - and no one has any control over that at all. She knew what she wanted to do to feel better. She could have chosen a meeting or her sponsor or a fellow AA member, but she chose to find her hidden stuff and go back to feeling no pain. It isn't about you - its about her returning to what is a familiar way to her to block out anything she chooses not to see, feel, experience until she decides to choose differently. Keep working your program and remembering the 3cs. You're not alone.
All great posts with experiences of the worn out saying "been there done that". We have been in recovery and that is how we can see/know your situations so clearly, it mirrors ours. Your wife will stay attached to the love in her life (alcohol) until she chooses sobriety AND recovery (AA). You will stay attached to her (and crazy) until you choose sobriety (from her) and recovery (al anon). There is hope through recovery and it is waiting for you, if you choose. Your life is too precious to live this way....big hug....
Then she will wake up tomorrow ashamed and not want to talk about it, and I will have to force it. Won't be much fun for either of us.
OR, you could try something different.... how about the concept of NOT confronting it/her (after all, we are confronting an alcoholic because they drank!!?? - that is what they do!), and choosing instead to work on recovery for YOU. If we could will/coerce/explain/plead/demand - alcoholics to stop drinking, then there wouldn't be alcoholics...
Something has to change, and at this moment - it isn't likely to be her.
Food for thought
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Kenny hugs, I can't pretend the pink elephant isn't in the room. That being said stating that the punk elephant is in the room more than once doesn't do me any good either. An A doesn't listen to what I say they listen to my actions. Do my words and actions speak alike? I have to say what I mean ... mean what I say ... and not say it mean. Talking to someone who has a hang over isn't going to work for me. I still have the right to take action or not based upon what is best for my situation. I speak one time after that I take an active action. My A is suffering from shock at the moment. Not my issue that is on him and I'm no longer with him either. Takes program knowing yourself and knowing your situation. Keep coming back. Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi everyone, thanks for the encouragement. I love what. Jerry said, my paraphrase is "resentment is the co-dependents hangover"! There's. A lot of truth in that!
I didn't confront her as such, just told her she had been drinking so she knew. She's a binger, so sometimes she wakes up fine, and doesn't realize that she can't remember what happened the night before.
