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Something that Pinkchip shared with me recently has recently stuck with me: the statement in the subject: crazy is as crazy does.
I don't know how many of you do this but I find myself still analyzing all of my AH's actions. It's infuriating that I waste my mental energy trying to figure out the actions and motives of someone who has shown me that he's not quite working with a full deck.
Today, for example, AH left to go play tennis this AM without telling me he was leaving. He didn't open his father's day cards, either. Didn't tell me how long he'd be gone etc. He didn't get home until 3 PM and still hasn't even opened his cards. And, I sit here and try to figure out what he's thinking? DUH: I have a hard enough time figuring out what I'm thinking, what makes me think that I can figure him out? LOL, nope I'm not God so I guess I better accept that one and move on, right?
I mean, I know the facts: He's still drinking when we're out of town or when he's out of town. He's still going to justify drinking and driving illegally. He's depressed about work and life, in general, despite being on anti-depressants. He's not happy with who he is. He's stopped going to his therapist. I could go on......
But, what you all should be doing right now is saying: Ok, so you all these things about him, so what about you? Right???? Yep, I get so caught up in paralyzed analysis that I forget to work my program, I forget to bring my HP into the picture and turn things over to him, I forget that I am allowed to take care of myself. And, right there is another definition for crazy in my book. My AH may be crazy in many ways, but I know I fit the picture of close to insanity in many ways, too, LOL. Thanks for letting me share!
What I have been doing presently is working daily and constantly with the definition of sanity that I leared in program; Al-Anon. I didn't have one so I adopted the one that a member said in group 3 decades ago...Sanity...the continuous and orderly process of thought. I'm working that on purpose for the next 90 days. When my head goes into analysis and scramble...I STOP IT!! fixate on a certain helpful subject and stay on it until I'm done and then pick another useful/helpful/pertinent idea. (((((hugs))))
That is really great awareness .. and I am constantly asking myself why do I expect rational behavior from an irrational person? One of the things I really try to remember for myself is that my mind is like a dangerous neighborhood .. I do not want to go there alone. When I find myself in that spin I really try and do the whole thing of HALT as the case may be usually when I'm focused on the A I'm not taking care of ME!!
The best thing I do for myself is when I get busy I literally take my mind out of where I was and focus on something totally different. I'm still not a pro at not going there .. at least I know where I'm going and then I can redirect my mind.
Jell-O .. see it wiggle, see it jiggle .. it's not sticking to a tree by any means!!
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Not opening his Father's Day cards shows how disconnected he is from the rest of the world. Usually people are not only delighted to open them, they make an effort to show how much they appreciate them. It sounds as if he's totally shut down about how he relates to the rest of the family. The words "guilty conscience" come to mind. It's hard to watch, though -- when we make an effort, it's hard to have it ignored. But it sounds as if you have some pretty strong program going on because you recognize the insanity of the whole thing. It just takes so many new forms, doesn't it? Each time I'd come across another one, my jaw would just drop. Sometimes you have to roll your eyes, sometimes you have to laugh, sometimes you have to cry. But it sounds as if you're doing the most important thing, which is taking care of yourself.
Disconnected is definitely a good way to put it, guilty conscience fits too. When I told him I was angry about him driving my car this past weekend and that I was hurt, he responded by admitting his guilt and saying he was sorry. After that, he kind of shrunk into silence this week. I'm letting it go, once I expressed my anger, and have been doing my normal stuff: washing dishes, taking care of life, enjoying a good book on the couch, and doing some things for myself.
One of the things he's talked about is that he says I am cheating but that he doesn't blame me and that I should just do it out in the open because he deserves it. He says he deserves all the bad that happens in his life and that he just wants me to be happy. What drives me crazy is that he talks about my happiness and how he can't make me happy when I constantly tell him that my happiness is not his responsibility. The old cliche holds true here: Happiness is an inside job. Yet, for all the whining he does about wanting me to be happy, he doesn't really seem to want to make any changes to create a better family life for the three of us, thereby bringing about some happiness and joy for all of us. Does that make sense? And, that's where the 'crazy is' part comes in. There is no way for me to be able to comprehend how he thinks. I just don't see it. I can't think that way, I'm not a fatalist, I'm not legalistic, I'm not depressed(sad, yes at times, but not clinically depressed), I'm not a racist, I'm not paranoid thinking everyone is out to get me, etc. So, why on earth would I think that I could understand what the h*ll goes through his mind on a daily/hourly basis? LOL! Yes, I'm learning......it's just slow going for me sometimes!
On top of alcoholism, he's been diagnosed with a personality disorder. Both conditions are illnesses where the person thinks the problem is with everyone else and the world and not with them. I remember you being frustrating and wondering "what is he going to do about this NPD diagnosis?" My immediate thought was that that diagnosis is one that people usually don't "do" anything about. They just act like a person with narcissistic personality disorder. Sigh... It is sad.
The stringent work in AA does put a big dent in personality disorder traits (it defines it all as character defects) but he's fought that for so long... Just saying...it can change, but not while he's basking in it. Even when he's feeling like crap, it sounds like he metaphorically wants to take a bath in the crap and rub it all over himself and you....etc...
I too have to stop myself from trying to rationalize and it's hard!
My exAH this weekend had me warned by the police department to not call him unless it's about our child (I did - I called him once after he contacted our daughter and that was to tell him to stop calling her drunk as it makes her upset!) and that he's getting junk mail and if he gets anymore they will arrest me. Really? The officer was a jerk! Didn't want to hear about his mental health issues, drug or alcohol addictions because he wasn't drunk when he made the report...I asked the officer what I can do to insulate myself from further abuse and they said to call a domestic violence hotline and I did. I will be speaking with a person next week (they are on vacation); start to attend a DV woman's group and they may also go speak with a PD supervisor on my behalf...
All of this in response to his upsetting call to our daughter, her refusal to lie for him and supervised visitation that he still has NOT setup. All of this as a result of the drinking/drugs and not taking care of his mental health issues. Our daughter's therapist said he is always going to blame me and make me the bad guy so I may as well do what I have to do for her well being. So frustraing!
A drunk drinks.
Crazy is as crazy does.
So all that happens...and I still feel sad for our daughter and wonder why it is that he can't just pull it together like a normal person a million other why's and what if's...I was so glad I had plans that day. Ended up dancing at a wedding and going out to sing karake for the first time...got my mind shifted away from BS.
