feeling sad - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

feeling sad

newgirl17 · Member

It has been a rough few days. My husband just ignores me. I try to talk to him but he just ignores me He acts as if I'm not even in the room. He is the one who cheated for 2 yrs and I get the silent treatment. I feel so sad and alone. I kept busy by cleaning and washing all day but I feel so alone. I texted a few friends and they invited me places but I feel really crummy and the fact that he ignores me makes it worse. I think I'm just going to sleep. Tomorrow is church and I will spend time with friends in the morning.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Newgirl, he is trying to get a reaction of some sort from you. If you play into his hands he may be clever enough to blame you for everything in his whole life thus making him feel much better. After all thats what the poor man is needing, a clear conscience. What about you? hes the easy one to work out, but what about you? What do you want out of all this? We all have motives, Alanon taught me that. My motives when I put up with all this crap (and I still do at times) - I wanted to be the martyr, I got something out of playing his victim, I was good and he was bad, I think I must have enjoyed that role. Its not easy to admit but I did get something out of our messed up relationship. His bad behaviour allowed me the distraction to avoid myself and the reality of my life. Another bonus, was that my self esteem and confidence were so low I thought I was getting what I deserved somehow. Guilt, my true enemy. There is such a lot to unravel in all this mess and Im only really at the beginning. I have so much more about me to uncover. Alanon tells you to focus on you and that is because the answers to our own lives are not with the alcoholics, they are within us and are waiting for us to take a look inside. We all believe at some point that our lives will only get better when he starts to behave. They wont even if he turns into a saint, its all about us, all of it. Thanks for sharing.x

tiredtonite · Member

It sounds like you're doing a good job taking care of yourself. You aren't allowing yourself to be his hostage. When I began here, I had a husband like you've described. I was isolated, friendless and had lost my faith in a god who loved me unconditionally. You are going out with your friends, have a church and a higher power who you are turning to. These things are considered wonderful progress in the Alanon program. Also, the chatroom here to be a lifesaver for the lonelies or need some comfort or a meeting. As we come to truly know ourselves, we begin to see all the choices available to us. You are already taking actions to honor yourself and your life. Your higher power will lead you to what comes next. Thanks for sharing. TT

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Keep taking care of YOU and let him slop around in his muck. It hurts to be ignored...you give you the love and attention that you are wanting from him and have no expectations that he will give you anything any different than what he is providing. Eventually, you may decide that you don't want his attention anymore. I used to tell my husband, I am worth more than the crumbs and leftovers you throw my way. YOU ARE WORTH MORE!!!! hugs

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Part of the reason we Feel alone is because we don't share on what's really going on with others; when we do this, we isolate with our feelings, problems, hurts inside and just hold them. We definitely Feel that. This is Your safe place to talk, share, express, receive with others who understand ... I'm glad you are sharing honestly. I have been ignored too. My partner and I are no longer together but when he left, he acted as though he Never knew me. In a sense, however, he didn't; he didn't know my new behaviors; he knew and felt comfortable with my old and chaotic behaviors. The ones he had known his whole life. the silent treatment, however, is a form of a weapon used to punish if used in the wrong way. Unfortunately, the addicts usually don't do a 4th or 5th step to look at their parts. I hope you go to alanon meetings. at least 3 a week if you can and we suggest trying 6 before deciding. I was the one in the line of one of our books that reads, "When my husband and I got married, we became One, we became Him. I was so obsessed and enmeshed with him for so long there was no me. In fact, I thought I needed Him to get better before I could.

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

As far as the church goes if again you are Christian (I don't normally bring it in but since we learn by experience; helps me remember he is also sharing his experience of his entire past journey with us as well .. the good news is he does eventually share His joy) wishing you much serenity.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

The more we work on our own self Identity and worth the better we will feel.

Our happiness and serenity should not rely on any others including our husbands, alcoholic or not.

Of course getting ourselves to an Alanon meeting and practicing the tools is of upmost importance. Getting a sponsor and reading every day about how alcoholism affects our life and learning about the most affective way to live in a positive manner.

I remember what this Alanon member said one time at a meeting, " An Alcoholic is like a one arm bandit, we keep putting in and we keep standing there expecting something back."

So, Newbie I know in the beginning of taking that first step into the world of Alanon can sometimes be overwhelming, but believe me in order to live well and sane, we must. Realization and education of what this disease is about is an important step. We should have no delusions and what the cost might be as we co exist with the disease. After awhile we realize that the cost could be a greater understanding of ourselves and even greater possibilities with the help of our Higher Power.

Please keep coming back and know that it is for your own personal growth and serenity.

Hugs, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 17th of June 2013 12:31:56 PM

peacewillcome · Newbie

Hi Newgirl - I am dealing with the same thing. My alcoholic husband has been sober for 51 days and ignores me as well. I have to initiate any conversation or activity. It was so great to read everyone's replies to your post. The only thing we can do is take care of ourselves. Find the love inside ourselves first and get what else we need other places. I cannot hold my breath that my AH will meet any of my needs ever. Hang in there!

little T · Newbie

Hi I am new to the boards, I get the silent treatment too-and my AH has been in recovery thru AA for decades!

the A behaviors don't vanish but they do get better-and he eventually does a 4th step and talks to his sponsor and apologizes to me.

I have to give my timeline for his apology over to my HP, and work on ME. I can soothe most of my anxiety about what he does by focusing on me, and what I need.

I can't control him. I used to hear that at meetings and it took me forever to *get*. it finally trickled thru the rocks in my head.

little T.

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