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((((Metwo2))))...great journey post. I read this and I think "she's working it or else she wouldn't be questioning" and good...very good as this reminds me of the reaching out days...exposing myself to the fellowship...letting them listen and look and offer me feedback I was willing to try so that I could change.
One of the things I was told and taught was "If there was no value in it, you wouldn't do it". That helped me to go looking for the value I perceived I was getting by using negative thoughts, feelings and attitudes. One of the reasons I found was because it was habitual to me...I learned it and grew up in it with teachers who did it well themselves ...until I got into Al-Anon. I did those things in default because I didn't know better. I did them because they were easier than the opposite...the inventories and the acceptance of other perspectives from other recovering members. I did it because I didn't know better period. When I use to use negative thoughts, feelings and attitudes about myself when I was with my sponsor he taught me the question "Could I be wrong"? and of course the only answer to that question is yes and that moved me toward finding the reality and the truth about myself and the life around me. I learned that I gravitated toward right answers and perspectives and that my mind loved the challenge to grow questions. I learned that feelings and attitudes are choices...that there were many alternatives to thinking and feeling negative and for no other reason than that I wanted to feel happy and healthy, I could make other choices. This one messed with the alcoholic/addict alot as she was often expecting me to react negatively as I normally did and when I didn't she was confused...and I wasn't. I loved the change because my mind, body, spirit and emotions were level and stronger.
You can stop the self defeating attitudes at anytime you want. They will attempt to return to default until you get as much practice and experience at keeping them positive and healthy. When that happens I want to be there to hear you laugh and cheer. LOL it will happen. (((((hugs)))))
And too with more reflection on of the "values" truthfully was the pity pot...God I loved those useless "Poor mes" and the "co-miserations (dependency?) I got from others. Where has it all gone?
I don't wanna know any longer...have no use for it. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 16th of June 2013 12:57:27 AM
Hi, Me2. Believing the thoughts that we're the rotten banana in the bunch or the juiciest grape both point to low self-esteem and the ego at work. Got a sense that you are very close to a break through and the ego NEVER wants to die. The good news is that you see it at work - can thank it for sharing - and do something that brings you joy or another a kindness that they can't relate back to you. Lots of support as you grow in gentle regard for the beauty of You.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 15th of June 2013 04:58:27 PM
I recently posted on Attitude and how I perceived it so vague I couldn't even see the word clear. It was basically to me a negative feeling I was casting through the air. It Felt like a Major Defect, and who knows for me, maybe it is. I began to view it as what am I telling my mind. Am I constantly putting in negative thoughts. Well, yes, its what I learned. Today I'm looking at the self defeat piece, emphasize on self. I Still get so hard on myself, critically so. I have been listening to the thoughts I am hurling in my head this morning. Driving down the road, I found my mind drifting to the xa and family and began hearing what I was telling myself: his life, their life, is So much better now? He, they, can think So much clearer away from me? He / they are being filled up now? He's living an honest life now? Because I Am Not there? I told myself those messages forever after he left and different types of messages after my family left to get on with their lives. He will be So much better off without Me because I Am the Still the Source of his problems. (i'm the source of everyone's problems, etc.) I thought I was over this piece until I heard it in me. Constant and conscious criticism. I'm still learning a better way but just unbelievable to see it. I truly still slam myself and what self defeat. My Ego wants to jump in and say nope not me, I'm the Alanon Graduate. Okk yeah well that will never be the case lol .. at least I can still smile. But how on earth do others shut those voices down. I feel I have no control in this area.. Back to thinking I have no choices this morning .. but not back to the beginning.. really what it is, is a deeper layer of me that needs to be shed. it's such a disease of lies; I guess I am still unknowingly lying to myself many times. I still feel guilty for obsessing on my x a as well but I read a story in discovering choices recently where a member was sharing of how several years later, she was still thinking of a dear friend, etc.. it hit me, when it's a friend it's ok. when it's a partner or spouse, we're supposed to be over it. The truth is that in the time we were together, we really did share a friendship. I wasn't able to see it when I was in it. My resentments and hurts grew so big it was like the other reads that talk about the partner not even being able to pour the cereal right. ouch, it's very painful to continue to recognize my own behaviors after the fact. That and the fact my own disease Still needs to tell myself he is Not well so that I can be ok with me. thanks for letting me share.
Thank you to both of you. You gotta give it away to get it back. I love the wisdom of these rooms. I will reflect on both your responses and use them as guides. Jerry, here's hoping I will be able to tell you when I'm through it so we can laugh and cheer !! I like the idea of teachers; I learned from the best. On the drive back home tonight, I was thinking to myself of how many times I have thrown out there through the years telling God I love him and then turned around acting as though I have a get out of jail free card because you know I'm powerless, etc.. The awareness I had on the way was that the word "Love" had as little meaning as the words "I'm sorry." I have been clinging to the expression, "All things work together for good (in alanon meetings) for those who love or trust God. Seems whatever experience I have has always bore fruit as long as I've stayed connected to hp. Swear If I had a dollar for every time I literally walked around over the last 4 years saying I don't believe it, on both ends of the spectrum, I'd have it made. I'm comforted to also be reminded the Ego Never wants to die. I had someone tell me recently "fear" better watch out, cuz we're getting ready to kick it to the curb. I'm going to take that inventory challenge and try to find the value.
Thanks pink, there's a lot in this share of yours. It's crazy when this stuff starts happening in families of 'origin too. I have a family member where I have never seen it. Not for me to judge, but I'm pretty sure the person is an alcoholic. For the past several years, he has brought different women home; many of whom have been beautiful, nice women. Recently, his one and longest of so many years ended the relationship with him. He is with someone new and just recently said to me Again, I think I just met my future wife, I love!! this woman. well I heard it about the one before he stayed with and in just one month he found his new & improved Mrs. Right. Seeing the love thing again; just a word.
For the first time, he started talking to me one night on the phone, it got so crazy making I felt like I was talking to the addict, this family member and I don't ever do this. funny how this works, I know he's basically an alcoholic and I see it in the drink but I don't see the addictive thinking/crazy making stuff too much. I guess I haven't really looked for them because I was too busy telling myself well yeah .. but he doesn't have like addict addict thinking or behavior; he's just buzzed or drunk a lot. geez where have I been in this disease. I can see this person getting much sicker and I really am sad; both for him and my xa. I'm sad to see all the losses. Most of all, I'm sad to see his resistance to getting clean.
have to be somewhere this morning; wish I had more time to write.
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Sunday 16th of June 2013 08:52:37 AM
Not sure if this is on topic but it seems related. When I would see my ex-A (and even in the last few times I've seen him), he will tell me how great he is doing and also that he is in love with someone else whom he loves so much more than he ever loved me. Um...that's great but I never asked for the comparison lol. I just tell him "okay...that's great." This "other person" he's with is an unemployed crackhead who has stolen from him repeatedly. Yet he loves him so much more than me or any other person...
Both me and my ex were/are alcoholics and severe codependents. We enabled each other. Seeing him in his current relationship confirms for me that what we had was pretty toxic. This is not to say I didn't have a part in it, but now that I'm detached, it's even more obvious what problems he has. Also, now that I am detached, it doesn't make me happy he's sick but it makes me sad. He's not a bad person. I wouldn't say I view myself as better than him but I do believe my defects and my alcoholism/codependency have gotten better and his havent. Does my ego need to feel this way to justify moving on? I dunno. I don't think so.
In other relationships I had with non-As, they all did much better for themselves after we split. Kind of funny actually. But alcoholism and the codependent traits that go with it are progressive, so my ex-A is different from those other exes. Until he finds recovery, he willl continue to get worse because that's the way it works.
