The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
assuming others have also had this experience ? needing ' emotional ' support.
This weekend we have family in town that are very successful financial and status wise. They own a firm and are beautiful people and yet I see through the busy of making things look good. On the surface, everything looks wonderful and my mind begins to compare. I go into my head with how did this person survive through the years. We come from the same home and yet our roles were so different. I was never able to just block things out and deal with my busy through the job, I was effected by behaviors in a much different way. When they come, I shrink inside because I know outside issues will always come into play through so, what are you doing these days. The shame sets in with what is wrong with me that I am not in the same position. I feel less than and actually if i'm honest with me, whatever they are doing seems to work for them. They seem to be happy with how they live, so the problem I know is more in me. I really don't know that they aren't genuinely happy. I feel the loss as there are many opportunities I have missed out on my life and financial comfort or security is definitely one of them.
My path has been a different sort of path, however, it's been a more spiritual walk of learning. I wouldn't trade it for the status, job, toys, for Anything in the world. I am Grateful for the healing and all I am learning; it is Gods gift to me and he is good. Still, there are times when I feel so bound up I can't help but wonder if my hp is still upset with me. Deep down, I know this isn't true, it's just that things have always been much harder for me (confusing). My only consolation is that strength and awareness grow through experience; they aren't just poofed into us as in magic. I was able to hold my own standing in the line of what Felt like fire with questions through the simple kind loving avoidance of them by shifting the subject ever so casually and gently and yet, there are times I wish I didn't have to do that. Still, It's the only way I can maintain my dignity. I don't turn it over as quickly at all as I use to. I use to stand naked in the room but even after they leave I feel the lingering feelings and effects of shame.
I'm grateful i'm able to express what's in my heart here. I read something too before coming in. It was a thought for the day in odat that stated, it's important not to paint black pictures in our minds of the future. I recognized through the reading my fears of the future are really more along the lines of fear of being in the dark, in other words, confused, obsessive, powerless, hopeless, etc.. need to reevaluate this but truly needed to be honest with me this morning. I am still feeling less than, not good enough, etc.. it is not at all easy to see me. In fact, I still very much see everything in me waiting in line to be healed. I want to hide but can't anymore; I'm equally powerless over recovery. hiding hurts and I just cant do that anymore either.
Hi Metwo, your share is very open and honest and I do know where you are coming from. The idea of a hidden you and character defects waiting in line to be healed and changed. I also missed many opportunities, living with alcoholism kind of interferes with future planning and setting oneself up. You are right though when you say that you have got something more valuable than all of that, spirituality. In many ways I am so grateful to have been desperate enough to surrender, that for me was a huge turning point in my life. I reached my bottom and I gave up control over everything. Alanon was the place I turned to and it all made sense to me. Reality has been revealled to me and I can see clearly for the first time in my life, that is truly a gift. I think we are on a journey and there are turns and twists on the road which knock us a little but at least we have tools now, its not quite as scary. I think you should try to see your family not as better than but more equal too and a learning opportunity. Can you ask them how they survived it might just reveal another tool for you. When I find myself doing this I need to get back to me. A step 4, seeking out your good points might help before their visit.x
Thanks el-cee good timing with describing your desperation enough to surrender. I just went to a Friday morning meeting on that very topic and was thinking to myself, I've done a lot of things and worked a good recovery but wasn't sure if I had truly surrendered. your share gives a little more clarity to my thinking in that I was so desperate too coming in I also definitely had to surrender to something bigger than me. I'm trying to view this as an opportunity by the reminder nothing happens in recovery by mistake. Seems I have always seen myself on a deeper level through others. I just get so tired sometimes. Maybe the surrendering piece came just before I came on line to post. I would love to appear together but alanon is not filled with the jones families and in truth I don't need to keep up. I just need to share honestly openly and willingly. I guess the surrender is really the process before building courage.
I would love to ask them questions but the hard piece is that others haven't learned to talk openly and honestly in my pre-al-anon surroundings. Part of my being lead to alanon was to go through the painful reality that no one was willing to talk about anything real. It was Baffling, confusing and I felt Crazy. It can be the simplest thing and still no talk, no look, no feel. having a good attitude in my home really meant suck it up, do as your told, and don't ever ask questions. In that setting it was like I was the one bringing in outside issues into the family staged script.. I will keep an open mind, however, and watch for opportunities. God has always provided them at some point and who knows what can come about with the program. There have been many miracles so far, etc..
I will use this as a guide to direct my shares in face to face meetings. putting the spiritual piece first is sometimes just sharing. The esh will come I know. It's the one place I can expect it. grateful for any and all shares today. I'm in my neighborhood this morning and although it's been cleaned up a lot, it's still scary on some level when I'm in my head too long. True analyzing can make us sick. Recognizing how long I've heard that for. Very slowly beginning to see it, I spent years in obsession trying to figure out my own disease through will power self seeking and self determination; never worked but truly kept me sick. I can't change it on my own but thank you for helping me to change a little piece today.
