The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As a Mom, I can understand your concerns. I have learned that I simply can't know what is best for my adult children. Your son's relationship to his Dad is something he wants to work out. Whose to say that each aren't depressed for something that happened between them? My parents thought I shouldn't divorce my abusive and drug addicted husband, quit a job to start a new work, or be friends with people other than people like them. They were projecting what they thought was best for them onto me and I'm sure I've done the same things with my own kids. Fortunately, they're both strong enough to do what they want and/or need to do with or without my input, help, concerns, warnings, wisdom, etc. And fortunately, I don't know everything there is to know about them there is to know. Lots of support for you as you wrestle with the most loving thing you can do for yourself in this circumstance.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 15th of June 2013 07:39:18 AM
My son has relapsed (yet again) and had checked himself into the psych unit where he remained for 2 weeks. he was diagnosed with major depression and put on meds. Currently he's in inpatient facility for alcohol abuse where he's receiving counseling and attending AA meetings. He recently lost his job and apartment and is now homeless. For the 1st time, I feel he really is committed to making changes and embrace recovery. He has reached out to his father with whom he has not had a relationship for quite some time. My son told me he wants to repair this relationship and stop running from his problems.
He would like to spend time at his Dad's house while attending meetings and working on his recovery. His dad is open to this however he is a major hoarder and the house is a wreck. I am afraid this atmosphere would not be a healthy environment for my son in his current state. My son has expressed that he needs his family's support at this time and does not want to be alone. His sister lives in the same town and her husband is a recovering alcoholic who's been doing really well. I feel he would be a good influence on my son. They are good friends.
I am very concerned about my son's mental well being if he lives temporarily with his father. He did this briefly in the past and it was a disaster as my son couldn't deal with the house being so terribly cluttered. My question is do I try to talk my son out of this arrangement or stay out of it and let him make the decision. By the way, my ex does not speak to me after our divorce over 10 years ago.
My 2 cents...Trust HIS judgment...and then if he has difficulty dealing with his living situation...you can support him through it....trust in his ability to find his own way..and love him through it...
what is it we say in alanon? stay on your own side of the street.... MUCh easier said than done...especially if we think we can see the writing on the wall....
"strong enough to do what they want and/or need to do with or without my input, help, concerns, warnings, wisdom"
Wish I could hammer this into my thick skull (I am continually thinking my adult children can't survive without all of this from me---I need this cross stitched and put on my wall!!)
He will figure it out on his own. If he is serious about recovery, he could work AA and stay sober from anywhere. He doesn't need a perfect environment to recover. Only the willingness and taking action. He will also make mistakes in sobriety, but if he sticks with the program he will learn from them. A newly sober alcoholic shouldnt be living high on the hog anyhow. What would then be his motivation to work, get his own place and grow up? Honestly, he would probably be better off in a run down halfway house cuz at least he'd be living more like an adult who is trying to really recover and get on his feet rather than someone who needs mommy, daddy or sister to care for him. The best you can do is work on you and pray for him. Again, if he wants sobriety he will have it through his own actions and his own hp. You don't need to intervene.
Agreed to support His decision to be where he will be and Then later if He Asks, confides, shares, etc., maybe there can be a few alternative suggestions at a later date. A thought about Alcohol and based on my own understanding and personal experience. When I was growing up, I had no control over family matters. I was the youngest of a large family who lived according to rank and status more or less. I went with the flow But because I couldn't control anything around me or even Prevent anyone from attempting to control many of what should have been My Own decisions, what Else was there to control. I Had to have Some control as Everybody does, after all, I had to "survive the smothering. I learned to control my smoking, eating, spending, etc., because that was all I could choose from; later on when I "felt so entirely miserable, isolated, alone, etc., plain depressed, I recognized I was Smoking All the time because the Feelings were with me 24/7 and I couldn't control them Even though they were Mine. I finally have at Least a little better understanding that many times for the a, the substance is the solution; not the problem. Its what They can control because their own personal thinking, feelings, boundaries feel out of (their) control. In no way am I casting blame outward. I just am seeing the disease a little clearer this week.
It's hopeful he wants to repair his relationship. The place may be hoarded and not good for him But on the logical side, Neither is the addiction. Alcoholism can be fatal. If it's truly that bad, in time, he will most likely tire of it. I would be careful Not to try to turn His recovery into Your recovery. Alcoholism is Cunning, baffling, manipulating, powerful, dominating, etc.. we can All be that way sometimes .. Good luck in this .. Glad you're sharing & keep coming back ! Wishing Much serenity to you in this. Agreed also, You are Never alone!!
Hi Rose, I have a son like yours but deep in denial about everything really. I have learned through my experience that there is nothing we can really do. We are powerless over the conditions needed for recovery. We dont know the big picture or what they really need. Your son's Dad's home may very well be the place for him at this point and if its his decision to be there then it is the place for him to be. I tried to bring my kids up like a disney film, you know, colourful, perfect. What I never realised at the time was it was all about control for me and this was a direct syptom of living with alcoholism. My son is homeless and I have not spoke to him or heard from him for a week now. My first response is 'what if something has happened, worry, worry etc but today I actually feel like well he has sorted himself out somehow in terms of accomodation. He has the resources and savvy to look after himself and he will do it when I keep my hands off. Its all really logical and sensible stuff when you take out our emotions and mothering 'expectations' Society dictates what motherhood should be and it can trap some of us into this enabling, codependant role, and this is probably the worst type of mothering there is for alcoholics. Thanks for sharing Rose.x
Thank you for all your replies. After reading through each one I realized that I am indeed trying to control the situation to MY liking. Who am I to say what is best for him at this point in his life? My son is a 34 yr old adult and he should be given the dignity to make his own choices however I may feel. My emotions always get the best of me and I tend to project into the future.
Again, thanks for reminding me to stay "on my side of the street".
"Whose to say that each aren't depressed for something that happened between them? "
grateful2be - That is such a good point that may very well be true. My son had told me his father constantly put him down when he was growing up and never offered him any praise.
I need all of you here on this forum so I can gain perspective and learn from those who have been there.
MUCh easier said than done...especially if we think we can see the writing on the wall....