So conflicted - Al-Anon Family Group

kris1109 · Newbie

So conflicted

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Kris

Welcome to Miracles in Progress I am so glad that you found us and had the courage to share. As you have discovered You are not alone .

Alcoholism is a painful progressive disease . It can be treated but never cured. We who live with this disease become seriously affected and need our own program of recovery Alanon is that program .

We have face to face meeting in most communities Please check the white pages for the local inter group number and call. It is at meetings that I broke the isolation caused by this disease, regained my self esteem, my self respect and found the courage, and wisdom to make healthy choices for my life.

Please keep coming back here as well. You are worth it.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Kris, and thank you for sharing.

My only advice I would give is to get yourself into some face-to-face meetings. For me, that's where the real healing began. It was important to surround myself with people who understood and start developing a network of friends with whom I could be in contact regularly if things got crazy. I eventually found a sponsor and started working the steps with her, too, and that was a huge help, too. The general suggestion is to attend at least six meetings as close together as possible so you can get a good feel for different groups and find something that fits you well and get a clearer picture of how Al-Anon works.

You might also want to get your hands on some of the printed materials. Many groups will have free hand-outs or beginner's packets stuffed with brochures that can be helpful. There is also an incentive with our book called "How Al-Anon Works" that comes in a paperback version that some groups are either giving out for free or selling for a reduced cost. That book contains the core information on Al-Anon. (Note that the deal is for the paperback version, not hardcover.)

You can locate a meeting near you by visiting the Al-Anon WSO web site: http://al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting

I can relate with you on the waffling... saying "I've had enough! No more!" and then still finding myself not doing anything to change my circumstances. I know my waffling was always based in fear... I was always fearful that if I left the A then I wouldn't be able to support myself... or that he'd hate me and we'd never talk again... or that my friends and family would judge me, or HIS friends and family would judge me... I had to work through a lot of those fears and finally come to a point of understanding and trust with a power greater than myself. It wasn't until I finally knew deep down that my Higher Power had my back and that no matter what, I'd be okay, that I finally decided to take decisive actions in my life that would change it for the better.

Hope you get to some meetings. Keep coming back. :)

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

similar experience yep. the more you read and share in meetings (if you do) the more you will think others are sharing your story. 12 years here. I Never could walk away either. I was powerless in part because I felt like I knew him my whole life. Turns out, I did .. I knew the behavior. There were a lot of feelings in this connected to my past. It was like having to relive and This time Feel all the abandonment of a lifetime. I was Addicted to His chaotic excitement because it was the only thing that made me feel like I had any life in me. I was depleted long before He even came along if I'm honest with myself. I do realize I love him, and there are times I miss him; however, I am finally reaching a point where the pain of being out is much less than the pain of being in. For me, in order to survive this, I needed 3 meetings a week, a great sponsor with similar experience, speaker meetings, literature, etc.. I just don't know of Any other way to Truly move forward in my thinking, etc .. we have a daughter too and it's rough. The thing about his getting recovery, it's a thinking disease so behaviors do not change for awhile until they are Sincerely doing the same as above.. In alanon, however, they recommend waiting 6 months or even better until After working step 5 before making a major decision to stay or to leave. The ironic thing in this is He was the one to finally leave, but I see it today. The steps talk about a higher power doing for us what we can't do for our selves. After 12 years of Both of us being powerless to truly leave, he left and I knew that I knew that I knew it was done. I felt a power I had never felt before and knew HP had to have a hand in it. I don't know what the future will bring but I can see much clearer being out right now; it was toxic and I was absolutely filled with resentments. Beginning to realize as much as I want to be with him, I don't want to continue to choose chaos now that I've had the taste and feel of serenity and clear thinking.

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

don't know how old your daughter is, but eventually she may need alateen .. Great program .. They need sanity around them Just as much as we do although they don't have the Same type of connection we do. It's so hard with spouses, partners, I know the pain, anger, grief, confusion, fear, you name it !

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Kris

This is the best time to let go and let God take over. The best thing you could do for him is nothing. If he truly wants recovery he will seek it out. He doesn't need you to help him. You need to get yourself into recovery so you have the tools to live with your A if that is what you want.

Take care and keep coming back...you are not alone

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome. I grew up with both of parents drinking. When you are a child you think this is normal. It was years later that I knew that this was not normal. I married my high school sweetheart. All was good until he became 21 and started drinking. It was 5 years of pure hell. I did not have the tools to deal with it so I did not. We ended up divorced and I met my husband on a blind date a year later. We have been together for 36 years. My husband was forced into an early retirement 8 1/2 years ago. He was lucky with his age and years he could retire. Many were not that lucky. It was very hard for him to go from working at a job he loved to having too much time on his hands. He started drinking. We never were even social drinkers so it was a surprise to me. I saw him change before my eyes. Flash forward to present...two DUI's in 13 months of each other, fines, attorney fees, classes once a week for a year, probation, no license for over five years, two alcohol poisons (ambulance, hospitalization for the second one), lies, lies and more lies. Right now he has been sober for two months. I still check to see if there is vodka and I have been pretty good about keeping my comments to myself. Al-Anon has the tools to teach us and it has helped so much. I found this site in February and am on it everyday. I also go to face to face meetings. My first meeting I felt like a million pounds had been lifted from my shoulders. All of the people in the room were dealing with the same thing. I did not feel alone. Unless a person has dealt with addiction no one has a clue. I tend to isolate myself but when I found Al-Anon I started to feel better about myself and started to become more social. I really have no idea what the future will hold for us. Love is not enough and I know that. I am scared of living this way for the rest of my life and I am scared of being alone. I take it one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. I can look back and see how I have changed and really to me that is what matters. As people from Al-Anon say if the alcoholic is going to drink they are going to drink. There is nothing we can do about it. It is time for us to take care of ourselves. Keep coming back, go to the online meetings, face to face meetings and read as much as you can about addiction. It all helps.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.