Honestly, I don't even know where to being. Unfortunately this will be longwinded.

Alcohol is baffling, cunning, powerful and so is my love for my alcoholic boyfriend, but is love sometimes not enough?

I have been dating my alcoholic boyfriend for 3 years this July. Over these few years I have been through more emotionally then I have in my entire life. From his suicide attempts to him getting a felony for pushing his grandfather (which, resulted in his grandfather's back breaking from the fall) and pushing me, losing his job and losing all his friends.

When he went to jail for his felony I moved out of our apartment and broke it off between us. I felt the restraining order between us was sufficient enough. Of course, he found a way to get to me through letters he gave a friend and talked about how he had changed and how enough was enough. He begged for me to give him one last chance and said I wouldnt regret it.. And I did, I gave him the benefit of the doubt because for the first time he said he wanted to change. Before that, it was just me telling him he needed to change. I though, maybe this is finally his rock bottom.

During the first two month we got back together I was having nightmares almost every night, waking up sobbing because I dreamt that he drank again. Every time I went to see him, I would prepare myself for the worst. He assured me that he had changed and not to worry. Days turned into months and more months of sobriety and I started to let my guard down. Previously he couldn't go more than 3 days with out drinking so it was so different to really get to know him. He was sober eight months; he was going to alcohol treatment, AA meetings (but not doing the steps) and was on probation. Then the day came where I came home and saw the light was missing from his eyes. Alcohol had consumed him again. So many things were running through my head: Do I leave? Do I break up with him? Do I do nothing at all? I knew relapsing was normal, but I worried how long would it take for him to hit bottom once again? After he didn't drink again for 3 more months. Eventually the relapses became more frequent and unfortunately now his drinking is back to what it was almost a year ago.

I am 23 and he is the first man who has loved me back. I fear that I may not find love again (and I know everyone is going to be like, your so young), but I feel that he is only dragging me down with him. The last time things got this bad I was on anti-depressants, almost lost my job (because I was so distracted) and was not taking care of myself as I should(I was losing a lot of weigh because I wasn't eating due to stress). I know I can not let that happen again, but I feel this unbelievable weight of guilt. He has lost everything and everyone and I don't want to give up on him too, but I feel that if I don't he may never change. When I think about a future with him, I know that is not what I want. But since I have seen him be sober for those 8months I know he can do it, so this decision to leave him confuses me. I know I don't want to put my future children through this and I don't want to marry him with the likeliness that our marriage will fail. This disease will never go away and 10yrs from now he can relapse all over again. I don't want this for myself, but how do you leave someone you care about and love so much? I am scared he will try to kill himself.

Ultimately, I am not happy. I am in a sexless relationship where I feel I am babysitting a 32yr old. I have anxiety and worry all the time when I don't have him in my sight for what he may do, but I don't want to be around him when he drinks either because he gets angry and verbally abusive. I feel so alone sometimes because he has had me push away my closest friends and family. The worse part is that this weekend I was so angry with the situation that I drank with some friends (the first time in over 6months), which I never do and I ended up cheating on him. I have never done this before and I know if he finds out he will go ballistic. I know my relationship is over, but I dont know how to end it. I feel like a horrible human being.

 

Kady, I think a lot of folks in alanon lack skills for ending relationships. In the long run, it's not healthy to worry about someone else more than you. Adult relationships have inherent risks and one of them is that either party can say "I'm done. I don't want to be with you anymore and I want this relationship to end" pretty much at any time. We all have to be ready for that and able to stand on our own two feet. You are entitled to end a relationship. In fact, it's a skill and you would benefit from getting good at it. Otherwise, you'll be settling for less than you deserve your whole life.

His being sober for 8 months is not so much an indicator "he can do it" but his multiple relapses after are indicators that he is a chronic relapser. Focus on what is rather than what you feel he can be. It's sad but more practical to make decisions based on who he is now rather than what you believe his best potential is.

Alcoholics have a disease that progressively gets worse while they are actively drinking. I would not place ANY bets on a good future with an active alcoholic. I still wouldn't place bets until I saw them sober and working a very strong and steady AA program for AT LEAST a few years. Even then, it's still taking a calculated risk to be with a recovering alcoholic.

Kady comes first. Don't beat yourself up and try not to define your life around this guy even though you love him lots and the relationship has been intense and lasted some time. You will find love again, but be willing to let go of toxic love so you can find healthy love and love for yourself.