nowhere to turn - Al-Anon Family Group

DebLisa55 · Member

nowhere to turn

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

Unfortunately, YOU can't get them to stop. They have to WANT to stop. The question is.... He is going to drink.... what are you going to do???

We can not cure our loved ones... as much as all of us here would love to do, have tried to do, and would continue to do, if we weren't working this program.

Jump into this program and work it. The answers are there, you just have to work your way to them.

One last note.... you stated that he has gotten physical. Please remember that alcoholics/addicts, when using, are sick, sick, sick. Safety first ALWAYS for you and your children.

Keep coming back.... it truly DOES work if you work it! Hoping for the best for you.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

If he has gotten physical, it is very very important for you to take the best care of yourself and your children.

I had a hard time realizing that my husband was not going to stop drinking. I kept thinking, "But what other option is there? And surely it's clear that he needs to stop drinking?" It was certainly clear to me and to everyone but him.

So I kept thinking, "Why doesn't he just give up the thing that's harming him?" But I shied away from asking the same question of myself. Why didn't I give up the thing that was harming me -- my alcoholic husband? The answer is that I was as addicted as he was. Addicted to hope (in the face of reality), paralyzed by fear, by thoughts that I couldn't make it on my own, that I'd fall apart. In reality things couldn't have gotten much worse than they were.

I hope you'll consider some of these issues in moving forward. Do you have a face-to-face meeting? None of us should have to go through this alone.

DebLisa55 · Member

Thanks Stanley and Mattie for replying. Mattie, what did you mean a face to face meeting? With Alanon? There is only 1 meeting near my house and I never seem to get there.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

(((( DebLisa55)))

In the 8 months I have been here I have let go and detached with love 99.9% from my AS. With the help of Al-anon I started to work on me, to change me and the way I reacted to my son. I stopped trying to cure him and I stopped making myself crazy over it.

Now I have the time to work on me. To help me so I can show him ( not with words ) things can change if you truly want it.

It's not not going to be easy but if you take that first step in the 12 steps you will be able to let go and let your HP in.

Keep coming back because you are not alone.... ((( hugs )))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

We also have meetings on-line on this board. Hope to see you there. Information about the meetings appear at the home page of MIP and on this message board - usually in bold type.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I meant a face-to-face Al-Anon meeting. Maybe this is the time to make a special effort to get there? The saying is "Nothing changes if nothing changes." But I've found that when I "do the next right thing," it does pay off. Maybe the next right thing is making it to your local meeting or joining an online meeting here -- or both. Support really makes a big difference. It sounds as if some bigger changes are needed, in detachment or your situation or approach or any number of things. Working the program will help you get those underway. It really can work miracles. It sounds as if getting a sponsor could be a huge source of support too -- that would be something to look into at your local meeting. Take good care of yourself. Hugs.

DebLisa55 · Member

I honestly do not understand how we, the families of an alcoholic, can turn ourselves off to the situation at hand and go about our lives saying we cannot control the alcoholic's choices but we can control our own. His choices directly affect me and our children. Yesterday was a bad day. Asked him to leave, he laughed. Asked him to go to AA. He said he didn't want to. (And as usual he was "buzzed") That stupid look on his face, the sluring of his words, the smell on his stinkin breath - I can't take it. Thats when it gets physical. I want to smash him in the face. Its me starting the hitting. I hit first. What a man, he is a stranger to me. I don't know what I must sound like here, but I am at rock bottom - I don't know what keeps me going day after day. I just want him to leave - I could care less what happens to him. He has his brother. I have no one. My parents are deceased, my brother tells me to get a better job, save money and leave. What happens in the meantime? And I have cut myself off from my friends. I really don't want to shower, get dressed, clean the house, wash clothes, make dinner, nothing. I went on the alanon meeting last night and it was a perfect topic - self care. I was thinking about contributing, but I wasn't there for long. BS with my family - I closed my computer and went to bed. This is not a life - its just existing. Its easy to write this on a computer where no one knows me. I want to be normal again and close the door to this insanity.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb Lisa

Welcome to Miracles in Progress. I do understand how you feel and know that painful place because I have been there myself. First of all there is help and hope for both you and your husband Many detoxs and hospitals offer care to those who cannot afford it. AA and Alanon are free

We who live with the disease of alcoholism become badly affected and need our own program of recovery. Alanon is just such program Face to face meetings are held inmost communities Check this web site for meetings near you

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

We believe that alcoholism a disease We did not cause it cannot control it and cannot cure it The best we can do is to seek help for ourselves. Alanon is that help Here I I learned to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, trusting a Higher Power I also developed new constructive tools to live by

Please keep coming here there is hope

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Deb: We also harm our children if we don't get help. Our anger and frustration affects them, too. They're caught between an angry parent and a sick one. Yelling, hitting, trying to force solutions - we understand that as being some of the ways the disease affects us. As long as we decide that "He's the one THAT DA** WELL BETTER make some changes here," we delay getting help for ourselves and most especially for our children. Most of us have been there, done that in varying degrees. Alateens and sometimes Alatot groups may be available in your area for your children, too. Much support and encouragement for you to attend face to face meetings and on-line meetings, too. If any changes are going to happen in this circumstance, they can begin with you. Otherwise, it is only going to get worse.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.