The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's your sister's job to make arrangements to see her daughter unless the courts specify otherwise. My x and I would agree to meet half way between the two states we lived in so that he could spend some time with his children, but I seldom would drive the entire way unless I planned on spending the weekend or holidays at my parents' house. I had full custody of his children, but that didn't mean I had full responsibility for their meeting up with their Dad - no matter how broke he might be. I'm sure people judged me at times, but my motives were good and my limits were real. Best of luck.
Your sister could also pack a lunch for all of you. I have worked in shelters. There is always plenty of food and if the staff are healthy, they'd want to see her putting more effort into being a mother and a sister and would probably help her pack the lunches.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 10th of June 2013 01:52:58 PM
I am not sure angry is the proper term but I can't think of the word I am looking for. I have lurked on this message board for a while but this is my first time posting.
My sister is an alcoholic. She hit her rock bottom Jan 2012. Her daughter (five at the time, seven now) was taken away from her and I permanent legal custody.
My sister was in a rehab facility and she got kicked out. Not for drinking but for not following rules. (She gave the director permission to speak with me about her case so I did). Now my sister lives in a "ministry" in a group home setting with about 10 other women and a few men who stay there.
Here is what I'm upset/angry about. My sister has been sober since Feb 2012 but she still doesn't have a job, she hasn't gone to school, nothing. She has not done anything to better herself or to be self sufficient. I know that sobriety is a very hard thing to do for alcoholics but there has to be a point where they must go on with thier lives. My sister has been sober over a year. I don't understand why she's not working harder to get her daughter back. She has to be self sufficient and sober to even think about trying to get her back. My sister can only see her daughter under my direct supervision - they can't be alone. I love my niece and I have a daughter of my own. So I cannot understand why my sister is not fighting to try to get her daughter back. She's not out applying for jobs and she is fully able to work - even encouraged to work- where she is living. Instead, she's just living off of "donations" to this "ministry". (I put "ministry" in quotations because there is something odd about this place and I can't quite figure out what it is. THe first rehab place she was in was great and what she needed). Also, in this "ministry" she is not in counseling, she is not going to AA, she does not have a sponsor or any type of support for when/if she does go back out on her own. THey teach that that Bible and prayer will keep her from drinking. I applaud that but I think she needs more. I want her to be successful but without that foundation I fear she will fail.
And the other part to this story: My now seven year old niece loves her mother and wants to see her mother get better. She has said she wants to live iwth us forever (and we will gladly keep her forever - we have even started her a college fund) but she would like to see her mom more. Her mom is 2.5hrs away. It costs me about $100 to go visit her mother because of gas, we take her mother to lunch, and then we eat on the way home. YEs, I could pack us food and I shoudl because that would save a little. But the gas is the most expensive thing. Her mother did drive to our house once on my niece's birthday but she asked me for money for gas to get back. So I'm spending money no matter what.
So the thing that angers me is that my husband and I look like the bad guys because we can't take my niece to see her mother more than every couple of months. And my sister is looking like the victim because I won't bring her daughter to see her more often. I love my niece more than anyhting in this entire world and I have spent a lot of my on lawyers, on my sister's entry fees to rehab, etc. If I couidl afford the $100 every week or two weeks, I wouild gladly tak eher but I just can't afford it.
So the anger feelings that I am dealing with is that I have not done anything wrong, I found help for my sister (but she got kicked of that rehab), I have my niece and I love her and take care of her as my own child, I have never been in trouble iwth the police, I have a house, a full time job, I am a responsible adult, I make decent choices, etc. But I am being made to look like the bad guy for not taking my niece to see her mother more than every two months.
side note: My niece is in counseling and we see the counselor every week. When my niece does see her mother, she is anxious a day or two before we go and a couple of days after and since she's seven, that transfers into behavioral problems and regressions. She is never a bad child, she is really good and smart. But she tends to act out a little. Also, she will wet the bed.
Anyway, thanks for understanding and thanks for any advice.
PS I am going to go to my first Alanon meeting tomorrow night. Is there anything I shoudl know?
I know that you feel responsible for your niece having visits with her Mother, but your sister needs to work and prove herself in order to be back in her daughter's life. Right now she is feeling to comfortable and is content with her life.
You make it very easy for your sister.Sure your niece wants to see her Mother as much as she can, but you say its actually a negative when she does see her Mother. Since it turns out to be a negative experience for her, perhaps you should space the visits even further apart. Perhaps it can be explained to your niece that her mother is sick without too many details.
The most important thing you can do is to follow up on that Alanon meeting your going too. All you should know about Alanon is to have an open mind and do a lot of listening and reading.
Keep coming back as it will be a great support for you. Hugs,
Thanks everyone. It really helps to have folks validate how I'm feeling and that what I'm doing is OK. I love my niece and I love my sister. But as horrible as it is to say this, I am so tired of tryig to help my sister. I have learned that she isn't going to change until she is ready to change. All she does is take and take and take and she never says thank you and she never tries to pay her own way. I love my niece and I will spend as much money on her as I need to. But I have spent so much money up to this point on lawyers, hotel rooms (because they were in a different state so every time we had to go to court for the custody case we had to spend the night), entry fees for my sister's rehab, initial spending money for my sister, and not to mention what I spent on her before she was sober. (which I have now learned was only enabling her).
So I am tapped out. I just can't afford to keep spending money taking my niece to see her mother. I am going to do was you all suggested and let my sister make the effort and find the money. I just don't have the money or the mental capacity to worry about it anymore.
Al Anon meetings, literature and this board are a good place for you to find support, encouragment and opportunities for personal growth in our program. Keep coming back!
