The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After 16+ years of lies my husband of 24 years is now swearing he has stopped the 3-4 liters a week of gin cold turkey....hasn't had any (he says) for almost a month, but because of all the daily lying all these years I can't believe him that he did really did it all alone and with showing not one sign of withdrawal. This morning I am feeling yet again that I am the crazy one and this mess is hopeless. Is it even possible to drink that much for over 6 years and "just quit"????????? I wish I could believe him but there have been so many lies my gut tells me it's not true, especially when he's sworn to me before that he had quit. Every other time it just ended up that weeks later I would find the new hiding spot and with no withdrawal signs and no changes in his overall behavior I don't feel taking him "at his word" is the smart thing to do. He is still in denial and he keeps saying I am exaggerating the amount he drinks but I am positive I am not so I just feel so confused right now.
Listen to your gut; it never lies but addicts/alcoholics do lie. The second guessing keeps you in chaos...before my husband got serious about working HIS recovery, I assumed that everything he said or did was a lie and manipulation. My life became much simpler when I lived with that assumption...pissed me off still, but it was much easier and it kept me in action with my recovery. Al anon meetings and sponsorship will help to bring clarity to your life and keep the focus on your health/well being!
Hi, Grace: Welcome to MIP. It's good to see you here. You are describing what many of us have experienced in relationship to our loved ones who drink. We know how confusing the symptoms of this disease can be and how frustrated we can become. This is a good place to find encouragement and support. Glad you found us.
In my 8 months in Al-anon I have learned so much about letting go and letting God do the worrying for me. My day was consumed with "is my son drinking", is he sober, is he in withdrawal or when will he start drinking again. I would look for alcohol, smell his breath, argue with him about drinking and his denial made me crazy. What a messed up way to live.
It's simple now, he is going to drink or not......what am I going to do??
Detach with love and try visiting a few meetings. You will amazed at the changes that can happen.
Again welcome and keep coming back....because you are not alone.
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thanks everyone who has commented so far. I have wanted to go to a meeting for a long time but the local group doesn't work with my schedule. When I found something online I was thrilled, I know I need this. Thanks for making me feel welcome.
Aloha Grace...The information about the lying is accurate and going with your gut is good direction too. For me also I learned to distrust the talk and learn ow to read the walk. The body language doesn't lie and the best body language is when the body is in the recovery rooms of AA and or NA. When he goes to wqhere they know how to get and stay clean and sober -and- you are in a program for yourself that is when life gets magical. Keep coming back cause this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
Welcome you have gotten some great esh already, I wanted to add too what Jerry said which is I have learned to listen with my eyes. My ears hear what my heart wants, my eyes hear what my head thinks.my head is far smarter than my heart. Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It IS the body language that is telling me otherwise....I take one look at him and I just know he's still drinking. I try so hard to not obsess over the whole thing and just go about my days and focus on other things, normal things like my daughter and my wonderful family and friends but "that" is always there and the fact that he constantly tells me I am wrong when I know I'm not makes me start to wonder if he's right. Knowing other people have lived with this craziness and understand this helps a lot. I made a decision a couple months ago to start moving forward and the process is daunting but one way or the other this has to stop....thanks for getting what so few people do. Thanks again to all of you for your kind words.
One suggestion that I followed through on thanks to the wisdom of the people on this board was to get the book(s), "Getting Them Sober," by Toby Rice Drews. It gives good practical suggestions for dealing with your spouse's disease without wearing yourself out in the process. Paperback is fairly inexpensive.
Hi Grace-What I have learned is that my spouse can look me right in the eyes, and without batting an eyelash, tell me a lie. This has been going on for 21 years, and much more so the last 7-8 years. You know what I do now? I expect lies. I have come to accept that I cannot trust what is said. And it's a shame because some of the time my spouse is probably telling the truth, but she is such a great liar, I think she actually believes what she is saying, or that she is entitled to say it. Either way, I will not ever trust her again until she has years of recovery. She has just started and she is still in denial that she even needs help. Having said that, I can be helped and I want help. I start F2F meetings in two wks, and I will be OK, regardless of the marriage, Lyne
I am curious if the book "Getting Them Sober" is helpful even if as things stand right now I doubt the marriage can/should continue? I have already read a lot of books on the subject over the years and they have been a big help, but that was before I felt so "done" with everything. The trust is so totally gone now I just don't see how I could ever get past it all enough to stay long term. I have told him that if he told me the sky was blue I would still need to go outside and check. Again....thanks to all of you. I was a little nervous about coming on here because I didn't know what to expect, but knowing that my situation isn't unique helps a lot.
Glad you're seeing that your situation isn't unique. Whether or not you continue your marriage to him, I'd read it. I'm not married. My xAH is dead. My son has the disease and I still find it helpful. Even if we divorce or separate from our "A's," we still need all the help we can get in learning as much as we can about this disease and how we can cope with its effects without going insane ourselves. So, yes, I think the book would be helpful to you.
