easing the heart ache - Al-Anon Family Group

Rinn · Senior Member

easing the heart ache

Ms S · Veteran Member

Rinn my heart goes out to you
I am so glad that you can't be made homeless and that you have you mom's support
you are really focusing on moving on already with facing your future and making such positive plans - what an inspiring example

it may come in time to be a blessing that he does not want you if it means addiction is out of your life. It may not.

wishing you strength with the next part of your journey

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Are you still going to meetings and do you have a sponsor?

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Rinn)))) Mine is a similar story- you're not alone.

Thanks to Alanon, I'm finally stepping into serenity and rebuilding a life. Progress, not perfection.

Get a sponsor to help you work the steps, post and read posts on MIP, attend meetings. Continuing my education about addictions hammered it in to my head not to take his actions personally. My exAH is still actively steeped in his progressing addiction; he is still taking hostages and manipulating people to help feed the disease. Although this has been devastatingly sad, I have learned that I have a choice not to live in the pain and hurt.

For me, I came to believe it was a blessing, for had he not remarried, I would not have let go to move on. Letting go comes to me in many layers- the more I let go on all levels, the better my HP can lead and the healthier my thought process. Letting go is very challenging- letting go of expectations, hurts, old hopes, thoughts, dreams... practice, practice, practice.... Keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing the next right thing. I do my best to do something nurturing each day and it's becoming habit to nurture myself. My relationship with my HP strengthens every time I reach out, lean on HP and pray often. Each day brings renewal. I am grateful.

In support.

tiredtonite · Member

Your post really brought back some memories for me. From my personal experience going back to school was a great act of self love and wonderful for rebuilding self esteem after my exah left. It gave me hope and showed me there was a whole world outside of him. Ultimately, it affirmed that I deserved the best and no other person could give that to me but with my higher power's help, I could give it to myself. I know how very painful it is to let go of dreams of "happily ever after." You can look with gratitude at your situation that your mom is helping you to stay in your home and that your kids and you can create some new healthier times with one another. Alanon meeting really can help and continuing to work the program each day. Losing a loving spouse through this disease can feel like a heavy stone weighing on your heart because of the vivid memories of them before the disease progressed. for myself, the stone became smaller with time but I know it's a pain I'll carry with me always. More importantly, it doesn't occupy my thoughts or disrupt my daily living the way it had. I have a new life and keep present in it. No need to be hostage to the past. Good luck in school. Enjoy every moment! Hugs TT

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

The best thing is to reach out and go to meetings, be with friends, be with family. Grow strong. Allow your HP into your life. I know you love your husband and this is so hard, but right now you don't have a lot of clarity on the situation and that is okay. He still has massive pull over you. Where he was, there is now a huge hole/vacuum and it needs to be filled with God, other people, and healthy activities. Even if you don't feel like it, that is how you will get better.

I ended a very long relationship and got sober myself at the same time. As I look back, it was like I was walking around with a GIANT gaping "Missing" hole right through me. I delved into meetings, sponsor, therapy, started working out... It did all work out. I could have just gone back to the ex-A and/or started drinking again but I'd hit bottom there. There was only moving forward. Plus, I fully recognized that the hole/vacuum that was left when my ex-A and my alcohol were gone...that was not a healthy thing...that was something that needed healing. It was about me being broken and trying to fix it with other broken and unhealthy stuff.

It will get better. Keep reaching out to healthy people and hit alanon frequently. Fellowship and meetings saved my life.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Rinn)))

This is a hard and difficult time for you Please keep coming back, sharing your pain and know that "This too shall pass."

In my thoughts and prayers

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Rinn: From what I've read, you took a risk in relationship to your husband hoping he'd choose sobriety and he didn't - for now. We simply can't predict what our loved ones will do in the future. For now, can you be comforted just a bit by the knowledge that you don't want him strung out, stealing, and whatever else he's doing in your life? You believed enough in yourself and in your marriage vow to take a big risk with him - it didn't work out the way you'd hoped it would, but if you asked for your HP's guidance and turned the outcome over to your HP - than what is happening now is best for all of you. And that doesn't mean that what is happening now will be happening a year from now. If he keeps using, things are going to get ugly for him. I doubt you really want to be caught up in the drama that is going to occur. Much support for you as you care for yourself and for your children while your HP takes care of your husband.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 7th of June 2013 07:11:01 PM

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Rinn, it sounds like your hp has stepped in and although it's hard you are already looking at ways to move on with your and your children's lives. Keep your chin up. A long list of crappy things he's done might help.x

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

It''s diffcult to see right now, but the addict really did you a favor. I have found that addicts never go away for long, they have
a way of showing up. When he is down and out and the new woman doesnt work out and the realization hits him, if he ever has a sober moment. You also have children together, you will always be connected to him. Even though you say it hurts so much, I think its more hurtful to stick around and be a bad example of a husband and Father.

Meantime, we are the sober ones and we get to build a new life, which you have already started and nursing is a great career. You also have children you have to raise. Be sure and get support of the face to face Alanon meeting. If you don't already have a sponsor, it will be very helpful to you at this time.

Through your accomplishments you can encourage many more Alanon members who are going thru the same issues. Throwing your self in the moment and not thinking of the past and worrying about the future will only help to build that new life for yourself. With the help of your HP and the tools of Alanon, it will help you to arm yourself when he decides to show up , Which will take courage and strength and boundaries you will have gained.

Obstacles and challenges exist so we can experience our HP which will empower us.

My best to you,

Hugs , Bettina

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