...even though I probably have to say goodbye to a person in my life. He is my ex ABF, and those here for me and with me this past year know we had some storms through withdrawal. At this point, I'm 1 year in Al Anon, happy to be, because I think that's the reason I didn't go insane with it all.

what happened...again? (now the saying 'doing things over and over again expecting different results is called insanity' makes perfect sense

So we split up after Christmas, time out, each of us back in his corner, in what actually seemed like a boxing match relationship. He struggling with his withdrawals from alcohol, me struggling with my withdrawals from him. Hard times, but learning times... for both of us, so good times after all. I learned so many lessons by doing: focusing on myself, my needs, setting up my boundaries, genuinely developing acceptance, forgiveness and compassion for that man, and all others, including myself. Huge job...and not easy everyday. But I love that feeling, it brings peace, and possibilities and hope...I sent anger away. Got bored. I am who I am, I did the inventory many times, and discovered that yes, i have some huge co-dependent issues. So I took some time with the inner child, just listening.Understanding. Accepting. Cuddling. and looking forward.

HP was just great in that times, honestly...hehe I remember how difficult to grasp this HP-concept was when I first came to this board. But its there and through it i learned to trust again, with a huge change of attitude, i know I'm only but completely human.

So HP there, me there, loving, feeling more serene and happy, tired after fighting, humble i would say. I was also lucky I could undertake a trip to another continent, which I had offered myself after the battle, knowing what would resource me. And it did. wow, finding myself there, I could breathe the old ME, i mean the ME that has always been there, existing within, below all that co-dependency, which developed somehow in my life in family and beyond. Being with an alcoholic that had developed some psychopathic behavior, I had become to doubt my worth and my values. It's crazy, isn't it...the power of this disease. Being there, in my own adventure again, breathing landscapes and people, the mess in the past all seemed like a huge nightmare, bad dream. Also something strange happened through that distance, I learned to love again. I learned to take alcoholism as what is was, a disease, I learned looking at the person with the disease with a kind heart again, like i learned looking at myself the same way. There was so much to forgive, about myself and about him.

I came back, with most of my integrity back. It was good to take a break from it all, and it is actually a luxury to be able to do that, I know. not everybody's freedom.

So i came back to the old place, but with a changed attitude. I thought it all over 100 times, back and forward, up and down, with a huge awareness, reminding myself my boundaries...and i started feeling safe again. I then was less confused and just moved with an open heart. And ex ABF was there. in his way ..new way, a different attitude, with a lot of progress on his back, that's true. He is struggling though and fell out of recovery...he drinks 'occasionally'...and it's not my business...as long as he doesn't try to get to me and project on me his old returning issues. He is more aware of it also, he can't lie about it to me or to himself anymore so easily. That's new. And I'm happy for him...but which makes him suffer sometimes. Craving is coming back. And although we had a couple of really true and close moments, where I could see his own beautiful self shine through....he is being pulled back by his addiction. He  met old friends and he allowed himself to drink and of course the consequence the days after were guilt, restlessness, irritability .... what could i say? wow, thanks Al Anon for all the tools I learned. They really made a difference here. I am surely better in detaching...of course it breaks my heart to see his struggle...and i fall back into days of that same struggle out of co-dependency...it's true. Recovery is a process...for everyone. 

So now I am just thankful...and keep his projections away, I know they are the disease talking. I am also thankful that this partner showed me many of my own flaws so clearly...unfortunately due to the disease he doesn't acknowledge much of my qualities it seems. And that of course, from the man you love, leaves me frustrated and feeling ugly sometimes. I'm invisible to him most of the time....but not to others, friends and family... He doesn't want to be loved by me, or can't , due to the addiction calling him....and I think he is suffering enough for that. I learned to walk out of his circle (most of the times).

I miss him, as I saw now his cleaner softer honest side. He is a beautiful person. But I also started to think that walking away from him, or actually letting him walk away from me, is the only healthy way and my only good contribution to his recovery. He has to find his own way, fall in his own holes, and learn to creep out of them again. So do I . I honestly thought we could do this together, and together we could. But his awareness of the risks he is taking for his mind and soul is not yet big enough. May his HP take care of him.

so this is where I am standing today. Alone, i guess, but not desperate, hurt, but still loving, dependent but recovering.

Thanks all for sharing and being there.