The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't mean in terms of is it me that all of the bad stuff happens .. LOL .. I know my part in those situations for the most I think.
I mean is it me that when things are going good I am just as bad as an A where I will create situations, get lax in my program and this of course doesn't happen when things are bad .. this happens when things are actually going good.
LOL .. hmm .. good .. relative term considering the past 18 months right?
Well, good considering what I was doing 3 years ago and the chaos that was going on.
When court actually ends and it might on Monday .. what am I going to do with my time? Seriously. I have been focused and driven over court. I won't lie .. it gets me high .. I mean emotionally and then I crash.
Something I have noticed is I don't know how to handle when things are good .. I mean when things finally start settling down and that is a scary reality. I always joke give me dull and normal, then I think .. OMGosh .. what would I do with dull and normal? I wouldn't know how to act, I'd stir the pot in a big way.
Interestingly enough I see people I know all of the time and it makes me laugh .. I mean 5am 10pm .. it really doesn't matter .. this is def not normal for me in terms again of 3 years ago .. I knew NO one very literally. I ran into a lady from the job I had from Oct - Feb of this year .. I guess since then they have been through 4 people. I was shocked and horrified .. the job itself is very easy. Then the job itself is very hard .. it's dealing with people of all varying disabilities and I loved each and every one of them. They knew it too. Well, she told me you HAVE to come back go and find out if they will hire you back. I wasn't let go because of work performance or how much people liked me or my work .. I wasn't there due to court. It actually worked out for me that I was let go because after everything that happened it was completely crazy to say the least the past few months AND my mom came to visit and so on. You guys have no idea how good that made me feel to know that what I did mattered to those around me. How well I handled the clients and how much they appreciated how I handled situations that would come up. Really it wasn't a big deal. I still see some of them and always make a point of saying hello because I regretted how I was let go. NO ONE talked about it .. it was as if I disappeared .. LOL!
I'm scared to death to go back and ask .. after all the big ol' rejection going on .. LOL! NO ONE likes rejection to say the least, I qualify tenfold on that one. Part of it is I'm terrified to commit to anything and then summer, school I don't know how I will fit it all in .. so I'm just trying to figure out what I can do.
Anyway, .. I don't know that working 40 hours a week is something that would be good for me at this point. It would mean a lot of good things at the same time it would be rough too.
I guess it can't hurt to ask right? I just hope someday I can accept things when they are calmer and healthier instead of all this need for chaos.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
((Pushka)) I have felt that way regarding the time frame when I wasn't my proudest... me worrying about what others think, though, is something I now recognize isn't part of Alanon. Practice and more practice. Clearly, regardless of what others may think, there is an over abundance of negativity rattling in my head- something that I can let go and fill the empty spaces with loving affirmations.
Yes, it can't hurt to ask. If they say yes, give yourself a chance to practice enjoying the calm and dispelling the chaos. If they say no, practice not taking it personally and look for work elsewhere.... your HP is taking care of you.
I mean is it me that when things are going good I am just as bad as an A where I will create situations, get lax in my program and this of course doesn't happen when things are bad .. this happens when things are actually going good.
It isn't just you, there is a large large community of peeps on this one!
Something I have noticed is I don't know how to handle when things are good .. I mean when things finally start settling down and that is a scary reality. I always joke give me dull and normal, then I think .. OMGosh .. what would I do with dull and normal? I wouldn't know how to act, I'd stir the pot in a big way.
(Pushka))
I can identify with that statement and it was not until AlAnon that I have come to realize that fact. In less than three weeks, out AD moves out and we have a laundry list of physical things to take care of, but after that, dull and normal. What do we do with dull and normal ?? But one day at a time. I am trying to stop projecting/forecasting the future because things never turn out as catastrophic and I can dream up.
Like most I'm lost and with nothing taking up my time. I have let go to having nothing in my life to do. They say to take up a hobby, join a group and get back with friends. It's been hard and I'm still not there but I try and find something to do with all this new found freedom.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
In all honesty, even though you will no longer be dealing with MCP, your life is still going to be busy. I know that there is currently a ton of drama, and I think it's awesome that you have taken your inventory and looked at this.
I've realized that life doesn't ever slow down, but not having to deal with the crazy along with the busy, is definitely a wonderful thing!
Cathy, thats where I was a few years ago, after parting with the alcoholic and weathering that storm, I'm 7 years divorced and frankly , I was bored.
I wanted to be of service and so I took on the caretaking of my elderly Mother, who also has dementia and other health problems. It has been challenging, exhausting, and frankly sometimes I thought, I needed my head examined. My Mother and I never got along that well, but we have reached a respect for eachother and we have learned to co exist.
I could have gone to lunch with my friends, go shopping, have lots of leisure time, but wouldnt have fufilled me like helping another person.
Go deeper Cathy, fufillment , an inside job, I'm sure you are full of wisdom and experience and hope. Share it.
Well and normal is such a relative term .. I like the saying normal is just a setting on a washing machine there is no such thing.
God box (forehead high 5) .. I forgot about that tool. I need to start doing that big time, especially with MCP. Things are going to be what they are going to be and until we put some mileage between us unfortunately that part of the drama isn't going away at this point.
The tornado can and will happen .. I just don't want to feed that monster. I was doing a lot of reflecting today since court is coming and I'm just reassuring myself at this point I have done the footwork. I want to stay on my side of the street, however I'm playing kick the can with the trash he continues to throw as well as the debris.
It's just frustrating to look and see how slow the system is and know the kids and I are on our own. I DEF don't want more drama than I already have and I find myself doing stupid stuff that creates it all by my lonesome .. so I will def be taking some time and looking at this one. I think some of it is just boredom .. that's bad.
Anyway, it just got me thinking this AM.
Thanks for the feedback :) P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Now that my qualifiers are no longer in my life (either physically or geographically), I have come to realize that one of my own addictions is drama. I am so used to visiting Crazytown and now there is no longer a need to visit that awful place. Some of my oldest friends are no longer in contact with me because I do not have fodder to provide them anymore in regards to the drama that was so much a part of my daily life. Apparently I am no longer feeding their addictions to my drama!
So, yes, dear Pushka, I now realize that "normal" is more than just a setting on the washing machine (that statement made me snort out loud). But I have to tell you, now that I am learning to live "life on life's terms," I am handling life's challenges so much better these days. I live in the moment each day and thank my HP every morning and every night for the new chapter in my life he has opened for me. Do I still have cravings for the drama? Of course! And that's why I work my program every day and still go to my weekly meetings, even though my qualifiers are not a part of my life right now.
Sending you big hugs, sister! It works if you work it!
