Some guidance please: rules for chat room? - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Some guidance please: rules for chat room?

lgnutah · Senior Member

I was in chat room last night and it was after the MIP meeting was over. People were cross talking, but one person was expressing frustration and dismay about her situation with a A, gave some descriptions, and seemed to be asking what others thought she should do.

Multiple people (myself included) gave their ideas and opinions (focused primarily on the A's impact on the children....one person in the chat room had lived with A parents, and she told how awful it was to live that way). I personally talked about goal setting, asked the person some questions about what she wanted to do. I quoted something that has been very helpful to me: A goal is a dream with a deadline.

Someone else then said that no one was supposed to tell anyone what to do on this site, that we could only talk about our own experiences and encourage others. Another person seconded that and said that we were only supposed to refer people to an AlAnon group.

I was very taken aback, as I thought in "chat" it wasn't a formal meeting and so expressing personal views was OK. I apologized for overstepping my bounds. Can someone give me some guidance? I am relatively new to this site so don't know all the rules.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi! I am hoping one of the moderators of the site will respond to your post. The guidelines can be confusing, and I often wonder if I am overstepping my boundaries, as I do give advice occasionally, especially when I believe there is danger involved. Read through the posts and get a sense as to how others have responded. It is different than an al anon meeting where there is no cross talk, however, I have found that even the understanding of the definition/adherance varies between meetings. I hope you were not offended and please come back. There is much support and wisdom here.

lgnutah · Senior Member

I looked around this site and never saw any rules for the chat room. So, if a moderator would let me know, that would help.

Ms S · Veteran Member

one of the things I love about al anon is members willingness to reflect on what the traditions and guidelines mean and how best we can serve al anon and our recovery by respectful debate about them

thanks op for raising a good question and all the honest posts that followed

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

My opinion is that if it is open chat and someone talks about their issues, it should be okay to say what you want. I have been involved with the open chat after a meeting and people say all types of things about their problems.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

For me open chat is just that...open and not a meeting and still for me inside or outside of the program proper the principles of recovery behavior always apply...gentle graciousness and acceptance; honest sharing of my own experiences strengths and hopes; vigilant understanding that we are all humans only attempting to be better humans only and without the hope of perfection therefore the principles of mercy, margin, forgiveness and acceptance. Al-Anon is a simple program for complicated people always done best with unconditonal love and acceptance. At best you received a bit of "how it is done" and a reality that (for me) taking things personal often doesn't go well for my growth. I'm hearing that you handled this much like I did when I was growing up in Al-Anon . Thanks for the memory. (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow we used to have so much fun in the chat room. Then if someone came in who needed help, we all focused on that person with whatever skills and or experience we had with Al Anon.

It was a place for us to share our personal funnies, thoughts lives. We were together when this one gal had to put her dog down. We all waited for her to come back.

I had just had my A leave, was a mess. They helped me for a month on there till late am to survive. We all helped each other and were so happy when someone would come in the door.

It was home. I miss it. love,debilyn oh that is where I met my guy so many years ago. Someone asked me who he was on the board. He has not been here for years...

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I have never been in the Alanon chat, but I would assume it would be a more casual atmosphere.

I believe that people turn to Alanon and the boards as they are suffering , confused and have no skills or tools
to live their daily life.

I know because I was there!.
What is more important? Helping a suffering human being or being politically correct?

Sometimes you need to bend a little to push progress for some or there life will not move. Isnt that the objective.
Its a fine line. Wording here is the key.

Hugs, Bettina

lgnutah · Senior Member

To clarify, I think everyone who was offering advice was doing it in a kind, respectful way. The questioner was saying "I don't know what to do about my A" and people were saying "I think you should _____" (leave the A because of the children being exposed to his drinking etc).
The chat room visitors who objected said that AlAnon doesn't want us to give personal advice or voice personal opinions about what someone should do. That was what surprised me, because I didn't realize "giving advice or expressing opinions" was not acceptable in chat room.
Done

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

In the chat room it is generally accepted that we go by the Al-anon guideline of not offering direct advice or suggestion, except when the person is deemed to be in danger or to suggest face to face meetings. We prefer to carry the principle of only sharing our own experience, strength and hope as a way of supporting members into chat time as well as the formal meeting time as a blanket room guideline. Asking questions seems fine as that encourages the newcomer to find their own answers, even though of course newbies in the chat room are often wanting to hear a fix in the form of the perfect advice!!!

Tom addressed a similar issue in relation to the board a while back on this link, which I found relates to this: http://alanon.activeboard.com/t38678492/gentle-reminder-re-giving-advice/

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Good Topic!

As the founder and webmaster of this site, I never intended for it to be so tightly wrapped that there wasn't not room for generalized conversations between people. Yes we should all speak from a place of personal experience, "I went through that once and this is how I handled it".... someone who is simply pumping out suggestions on how YOU should handle it, that has not truly experienced it, may be carrying more of the mess than the message of Al-Anon.

Suggestions refer to the options of things you "could" do, but not what you "should" do. "If I were you I would..." is not Al-Anon language. Reading the literature helps me when I'm in that space, you might want to try it".... is a great Al-Anon suggestion based in personal experience. Between meetings the room is open for "general and supportive chat", meaning there will be cross talking, a few people have a variety of discussions at one time, some indulging in all the discussions. (multi tasking in such a way they are not really helping anyone, but giving themselves a chance to hear themselve) 'You could try being non confrontive at that moment, I usually wait, don't participate and thus escalate the situation, until cooler heads are prevailing". Not... If I were you, I would refuse to talk to them and if they kept it up, I'd blast their ass and they'd surely know what I thought!" See the difference?

One shares from a place of experience, the other from a place of unchecked, untreated Al-Anon-ISM. (I,Self,Me)

Hang around and it will not take very long who has true Al-Anon experience, and is sharing it, and who has true self centered experience and is sharing it.

We do not help anyone make their decisions, what we do is support them as they go through their own decision making process.

I hope this helped you better understand a little bit.

John

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.