Sex Addict with a minor in Alcoholism - Al-Anon Family Group

Aimee · Veteran Member

Sex Addict with a minor in Alcoholism

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Affairs are a tough one. It was tough for me.

My story's a little different - I had the zinger thrown at me that my exAH was closeted gay and was seeking (and most likely engaging in) sexual encounters with other men.

He used his drinking as an excuse for the behaviors and a sort of smoke screen. He did NOT want to look his sexual identity crisis square in the face and come to understand himself at all.

What it came down to for me was asking myself if I could just accept the A as he was. Fact: He drank in excess. Fact: He was financially irresponsible. Fact: He was compulsively dishonest. Fact: He was looking to have sex outside of the marriage. Fact: Those people outside the marriage also happened to be men.

I had to ask myself if he never ever changed, would I be okay staying with him.

Ultimately my answer was "no". I even ran our relationship through the fantasy world... and determined if he ever did finally seek recovery with AA then that meant he'd also finally get honest with himself about his sexual identity and most likely he'd determine he'd rather be with a man. So I just saw dead ends in my marriage any way I looked at it.

The question you get to ask yourself is if your A never changes, do you think you could be okay and content living with him. Bring this quote into mind "There is nothing good or bad, only thinking makes it so." There are many cultures where it's perfectly acceptable and almost expected that men have multiple sexual partners.

But what are YOU okay with?

Sending you (hugs).

Remember, keep taking your relationship to your HP, keep getting to your Al-Anon meetings, and keep being kind and gentle with yourself.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I've learned that promiscuity and infidelity was pretty common in my marriage to my alcoholic/addict wife. Was she addicted to sex? She was addicted period and I refuse to qualify or quantify the behavior. Sex with someone other than me was a deal breaker for many reasons one important one being health; mine especially. Another was it is just hugely bad thinking and behavior by my spouse and the "other" person and I was not wanting to manage my life with all sorts of other people running around the perimeter wondereing when it was their turn. It's awful morality...just sickening and not what I want within my marriage. It isn't just an affair with a bottle...I found the title to your post...for me to be very trite and uncaring of your husband and then almost all of the alcoholic/addicts I've hung around with are trite and self centered to the extreem. I don't have a boundary for sexual infidelity or addiction...it's a no brainer...I have no tolerance for it. Kee coming back ((((hugs)))) smile

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I, like Jerry, couldn't live with infidelity to the degree your husband has engaged in it. If the situation were reversed, how well could your husband live with it? If he expects you to be faithful to him than he's expecting something that he himself is not willing to give you. As far as I'm concerned, marriage is supposed to be two people engaged in building a healthy life together that is not just beneficial to them, but to their children - if any - and in their community, too. I'm not certain, perhaps I'm reading that he's still engaged in sexual relationships with persons other than you and that is over? Even so, I'd find it impossible to let him touch me without being drunk myself - and I don't drink. I know you are trying to do your part to save your marriage, but deep within (and I'm not wanting or needing an answer) is there a woman hungering for a partner who won't betray you in this way or make a joke about it?

I'm not sure if you're trying to find folks who can help support your decision to stay in relationship to your husband? If so, I'm sorry if I feel more the need to support you as a woman with value who might be struggling with the past behaviors of your husband because you don't trust his present behaviors? Please keep coming to the board and getting into and/or continuing Al Anon.

Aimee · Veteran Member

Thanks everyone for your honest responses. I just wanted to make it clear, my husband is not acting out sexually (or other wise) and hasn't for over two years now. He has been very involved in AA (step work, sponsoring others, service work, the whole deal ) and for the past 6 months he has been attending SAA meetings and is now going through the steps with a sponsor in that program as well. I'm involved with recovery on my side as well and we have been bringing everything we learn into our home and our marriage to the best of our abilities. I guess my post was just a little vent and maybe I was hoping some one out there could relate to trying to keep a marriage together after such a devestating discovery. I can see how my husbands behavior on its own could be a deal breaker, if there was no (or a half assed attempt at ) recovery or effort on his part to make things right I would be out of here in a heart beat. The survival of our marriage involves a lot of work on both of our parts and its worth it to me to atleast try. Like the last response said, I AM here looking for support. I think it's natural to feel unsure and wonder sometimes if I'm doing the "right" thing.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks, Aimee, for the clarification. Perhaps there are some posters who can relate to your decision to try to keep your marriage together after such a devastating discovery. Although I'm not one of them, I do want to send you loads of affirmation for working your program and choosing to heal.
My best to you as you continue to let your HP guide you. I've learned that when I'm asking the question what is the most loving thing for me to do rather than what is the right thing for me to do, I relax more and can better receive what my HP wants to offer/give/provide for me. (((Aimee)))

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

My husband is in recovery (6 years) for addictions to pornography, pain meds and alcohol. I have been in al anon for 9 years, and, yes, it is difficult. I deal with the substance abuse addictions differently and with more ease than the sexual issues, as those are/were the most painful for me. They got me at the core of my sexuality, my tenderness, my fragility; the part of me that is to be honored and held with reverance. As I have reviewed all of my romantic relationships, there were none that honored that part of me, because I did not. I have come to see that, first, I need to honor myself and from that place I know what is inappropriate from another and, then, I can act accordingly. My husband is dealing with his issues, and, yet, there are still times when he will make a comment that leaves me feeling slightly diminished as a woman. The difference for me, now, is I do not second guess his intentions or my reactions, I just say what is so for me. He usually recognizes he was out of line..and I know this has been a tough one for him having no good role models in his alcoholic and cultural environments. Male and females are a mess in regards to healthy sexuality. Stay with your struggles and venting to come up with some answers that work for you and your life. hugs

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