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well I dont really know where to start and it may be long. I have been with my partner for 17 years, and got engaged 16 years ago. He is 36, I 33. We have always been very close and in love. He is a good man, works hard and looks after our home.
He has always enjoyed a drink since I can remember and it's been the one thing we've always argued about. Recently things have happened with my health and different things that have opened my eyes and made me see life's too short and his drinking habits are annoying me to say the least.
His current drinking habit goes like this...Monday he will pop to the local working men's club and have 2 pints of lager followed by 4 cans at home. Tues-wed he comes straight in from work at 5, cracks open a can and will have 4 cans in total. On a Thursday it can be 4-5 cans. Friday he goes the club for a bit and will drink 2 pints followed by anything between 4-6 at home (was 10 in total a few weeks back) Saturday he does the home shopping then 2-6pm he works behind the bar at the club and drinks 2 pints. At home he will then drink around 6-8 cans. Sunday he has 1in the club followed by 4 at my parents home. He then drives home and has another 3-4 on the night.
The thing is, he never gets drunk. He isn't violent or nasty. He can occasionally be a little moody and argumentative about things on tv but is generally fine! The problem is we sit in every night of the week watching tv, he doesn't want to do anything and if I suggest something, hes not interested. He is quite happy to sit drinking and be in his routine knowing I'm fed up of it.
A big problem is our sex life. It's hardly existent! twice in 5 months is a joke!! I have approached him lots and last year I got brushed off too many times which upset me and now I dont initiate it. He has always had a low drive (apart from the first few years) compared to my high drive. we don't kiss intimately either.
I think the alcohol may be a part in this. He does sometimes get tired quick but I say not to drink as it makes him worse. Its confusing as he is very affectionate with cuddles and is loyal and very much all me. i have said we are young and this is ridiculous! He promises he will change but it never happens.Like anything with him, he doesn't make the effort to change.
We want children but I can't see it happening. Its been three years now we decided to try and no effort made. I feel like we are going nowhere here. I love him so much but I can't put up with lack of physical relationship.
we have rowed and I've told him I can't stay with him drinking so much but he gets defensive and shouts back and will try to walk away. He will say he knows he needs to cut back of a week but not a weekend. ive said he depends on alcohol but he shakes his head. He hates the fact I have been asking him how many he has had to drink and counting them and has lied on three occasions recently about the amount he has had.
It seems the issues always been there, but I've woke up and seen it. I feel guilty though because he's not horrible to me, I think is he really harming anything? there are some people a lot worse.. i don't know. Ive always put up with it i guess.
I always think that if alcohol is a problem for you it's a problem although you're not suffering abuse or rows you are describing a situation that isn't going forward in a way that is satisfying to you people have said in the past to me when I've been wondering what to do ' imagine that nothing has changed in 5 or 10 years time, would you be content with that?' and I find that very helpful in helping me focus on what is vital and what can be compromised on
would you consider face to face al anon meetings? They can be very helpful in helping people think round an issue and to see the choices available.
Dear A: I suspect you already know what you want to do. You're just not sure it is the right thing to do? If this isn't the life you want, it isn't. His drinking isn't your problem, it is his and yet his drinking is affecting you and your relationship. The good news in this is that you don't have children. It makes things that much more difficult for you and fortunately, you won't have that challenge along with the others that comes with problem drinking. As Ms S suggests, face to face al anon meetings are helpful for people who care about and/or love problem drinkers. In fact, Al Anon meetings are a life saver for many of us. Even if you decide to terminate the relationship to him, the ways his drinking has already affected you is a great reason to recover some of what you've lost as his disease has progressed and you've tried to put up with it.
Your last sentence contains within it evidence of how his drinking has already adversely affected you. His drinking is harmful. It is harmful to him. It is harmful to you. It is harmful to your relationship. It is a big deal that he drinks as much as he does. You have done the right thing in reaching out to the people at MIP who understand and have gone through much of what you describe here. Please check for Al Anon meetings in your area, read as much literature as you can find on alcoholism, keep coming back to this board. We're so glad you're here now.
You are thinking of leaving him because your gut knows your relationship is not working for you...we all know what it is like to love and live with an alcoholic; it is hell. There is rarely any rational conversation and lots of manipulation. One of the kindest things you can do for yourself now is to begin attending al anon meetings. We are here for you.
While he attempts to control his drinking, I do hope you follow up on the suggestions here whether he is successful or not. Much support and understanding for you is in AlAnon and on this board. You might find the 3cs of AA/AlAnon helpful: You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. The disease of alcoholism is progressive. It can only be arrested in its progression through abstinence and recovery work - best available now is 12 step recovery groups i.e. AA and AlAnon for friends and family of people with drinking problems. We're glad you found us. Keep coming back.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 3rd of June 2013 06:11:23 AM
It's a familiar story, much like so many here. For me I lived this life with 3 children who are all affected. Alcoholism I have learned is connected to low self esteem and immaturity. Alcohol helps and becomes a compulsion. Alanon is for you and helps you get clarity over your life then you are able to see your choices.x
Thank you all for your messages. I think I've not been sure as to whether he actually has a drink problem or not. It seems to have increased to this level the last few months whilst we have been arguing over different things. I got upset yesterday whilst at my parents and she sat us down and talked whilst he had to listen. He knows for sure now and he agreed he will cut down. He says 2 cans of a weekday then 4 maximum of a weekend. The week days he can do as he used to drink that amount before, but the weekend I'm not so sure. Anyway, I'm glad he definitely knows and I will see what happens
At this point, assume that everything he says is a manipuation to get you off of his back. He cannot control his drinking...he may for a short while and it will increase again. Do your research on alcoholism and codependency and see where the two of you fit. This is a familiar process to all of us. You have a choice now to be miserable or peaceful....peace can come through the tools of al anon, not your boyfriends cutting back on his drinking. I learned to never put my peace in anyone's hands but my higher power. Be well, sweetie.
Sounds like a lot of roundabout conversation just to get an alcoholic to say some junk that will apease you and your mom but not make any serious changes and the elephant is still sitting there right in the middle of the room and it's not moving. You are counting his drinks obsessively and he is doing everything he can to hang on to his drinking habit when it''s already been exposed as a serious problem. Substitute "crack" or heroin for alcohol here and you will get a clearer idea of the problem you are dealing with. He drinks and has made it clear he has to do this daily. It greatly interferes with his functioning in multiple ways. He is an addict. So he might as well be saying "Okay honey. I will only shoot up 2 times during the week" or "Okay, I will only smoke crack after work and for 2 hours." Then you feel relieved by that?
The way you described him drinking - I don't question "IF" he's an alcoholic. I know an alcoholic when it presents to me. That is absolutely an alcoholic. Now - given that. You have some choices. You don't have to run out of a 17 year relationship that is the only serious relationship you've had and one that's been enduring since you were 16 it sounds like. BUT - does it really make much sense to count how many drinks an alcoholic has. Sufficive to say there is 1 answer to "How much is he drinking" on any given day?...The answer is too much and you can leave it at that. Heck...he can barely exercise any control over it so what makes you think you or your mom can?
Head to an alanon meeting. It will help.
**P.S. - alcoholism severely messed up my sex life. It fed into problems with depression and anxiety and became this big mess of sickness, self-medicating and then it took me over like the ocean takes things out to sea. He sounds like me and the way I was before getting sober. For many years I heard my partner at the time telling me "You don't participate in life!" and I would balk at anything other than staying at home and sitting on the couch while 'having drinks." It made me socially and emotionally retarded. I stopped networking, making friends, connecting with others, doing new things. Life started sucking. Sound familiar? I was not typically the "rageaholic" type drunk but a depressed, anxious, manchild one which is a pretty common variant. Again, alanon will keep you connected to reality and sanity while he struggles and does whatever he is going to do with his alcoholism. Repackaging, relabling, and buying into excuses for alcoholism doesn't help the disease and it's a temporary fix to alleviate your anxiety. Alanon is such that it will get to the root of this for you in a way that is supportive to you as an individual.
P.P.S. (LOL) - You are loved. You are valued. This guy may seem like your whole world since you've been together so long and from such a young age. Let alanon help you grow and if you wind up leaving him behind. It will be okay. If not...that's good too. Just don't be scared to grow and change. He's terrified. You don't have to be.
Well since the talk we had last Sunday, nothing much changed. He cut back one day but only actually the one day has he stuck to what we said of 2 on a weeknight. he said to me he will cut back on a weeknight and would like to have none at all tues-thurs and stick to 4 on a weekend. I think He will drink more than 4 of a weekend though.. Last night he had 7 and got defensive and even said its because I'm going on that his drinking has increased this past month or so. Im not sure about going to a meeting. It's only just dawned on me this is a problem even though we've argued on and off over the years about it. I know this is going to sound crazy, but if he was horrible to me or violent then I'd be in no question and would go, but I often think is he harming? Am I going OTT? Things have also happened in my life recently which makes me wonder too. Please don't judge me, but I got quite close to a man online/phone and it was actually speaking with him that opened my eyes to all this. Nothing is happening between me and this man. he can't do it out of guilt for my partner and we are just friends, but I blame myself and think maybe i focused In on his drinking amongst other things, as being a reason to cause arguments and leave, as we never argued much beforehand. I started arguing with him. I had to leave work due to my health and we argued as he took it hard and could be insensitive at times or pushy about that. Im not stupid, i know ive changed since this man. Although now, I can see the drinking is worrying! I suppose I feel a little guilty as he isn't nasty etc and also it's kind of come out the blue these talks and arguments about the drinking and that's because what's happened with my life. Then other times I think I'm justified have i just put up with it?!
I have also been ill the past 3 years and new medication has meant i can finally get out and about more normally and it's made me want to live life too, which is hard as we stay in all the time lol. I think back to last year when I was ill and we argued over him not being there for me in the night if I woke him and I had to call my own ambulance one night.
So I know I was upset at times last year. Sorry for going on!
-- Edited by amethysts on Saturday 8th of June 2013 06:06:17 AM
-- Edited by amethysts on Saturday 8th of June 2013 06:15:10 AM
Part of the problem with excessive drinking/alcoholism is the denial that isolates us and can rob us of physical health. When we are willing to step outside our comfort zone (and many of us have to be pushed hard by the disease to do that) and into meetings, our health improves, new friendships develop and life offers us new opportunities to grow. As a recovering codependent, I know how challenging it can be to enter into the rooms of Al Anon for the first time. I also know how seriously deep our heads can go into the sands of denial before we're willing to admit defeat in the face of a disease we didn't cause, can't control and can't cure. Keep coming back. It's good you are here with those of us who love people with this disease. So glad to read that you want to live life, too! Alanon can help you do that!
