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What a shock and ordeal this must have been for you. I'm so sorry. When I first began reading, I was fearing that you'd say the cat had been harmed. Good to know that didn't happen. As far as beating up on yourself for trusting him in your house - what past behavior has he exhibited that forewarned you that he - a man who has never driven a car in his life - would take it upon himself to do just that while you were in Florida? Sometimes, we get mad at ourselves for being human. There is simply no way you could have seen this coming. If you made the same offer again, well, now that would be an issue. I'd feel angry towards not just his choosing to take my car, but then blaming me because he took it. I wouldn't act on it except to put more distance between us, but I'd feel it. Right now, it sounds to me like he's actively engaged in adding insult to injury by wanting you to feel sorry for him while he turns the knife a little deeper. Is there a way you can legally see to it that he is held responsible for the costs of this theft in some way? I don't think I'd let him ride on this one if I could see a legal way to employ that would put him in a position where he'd have to repay me if at all possible. Again - I'm so sorry this happened to you. I do hope you are able to recoup some of what you might have lost due to his criminal behavior. He could get help for his depression. He didn't need to steal a car - your car.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 1st of June 2013 10:29:21 AM
Last weekend I was away in Florida for a few days, nice to enjoy some welcome sunshine. My cat sitter was not available and as my ex A has been sober for a while now (although not in recovery) I asked if he could call round and feed the cat for a couple of days. Well you can probably already see where this is going......
On my return I noticed my car was not on the driveway, of course I phoned the Police to report the theft and after holding on for a while was told 'we are aware of the theft and your car was stopped in the early hours of Monday morning having been involved in an accident and the driver arrested." The car was in a town 20 miles away and of course I agreed to go across, inspect the vehicle and make a statement. Cursing 'joyriders' I get a taxi and make the journey to the police station. Again I think you can see where this is going......
The Car was damaged quite badly at the front and had a few other scrapes and as the Police had already charged the driver for an assortment of offences it was agreed that I could arrange for the insurers to collect it to be towed away for repairs.
As I agreed to make my statement the first question I am asked is 'is Mr X' known to you and did he have permission to drive your car?'
Yup - you guessed right! My ex A having the keys to my house to feed my cat because I had been foolish enough to trust him had obviously found my car keys and decided to go out on a bar crawl - inevitably ending up in disaster and considerable damage to my car.
Initial reactions - Anger, Hurt, Betrayal and a sense of disbelief, but perhaps mainly what a damn fool I am, how could I have been so stupid! The Police were great, they have my statement and don't need me as a witness as he was caught red-handed and the 'theft' seems a relatively minor charge compared to the driving charges and assault charges that he is facing.
OK I am now without my car for a few weeks, inconvenient - only grateful that his drunken driving spree did not result in an injury or death of some poor innocent person, oh - forgot to mention he has never driven a car in his life so am still in a state of amazement that he even got it off the driveway in one piece!
Now I have had the texts and calls, apologies - full of self pity of course, its because he is so depressed and how he cant face life on his own after we broke up a year ago. I had tried to remain friends - tried to believe that provided I never saw him if I believed he had been drinking we could maintain some sort of civility between us. Hell he never did anything this bad even when we were together.
Well I am ignoring the calls, my HP is with me and I can put it in perspective, its just a car, it can be repaired, nobody was killed or injured.
He goes to court next week and I will leave it in Gods hands, I have had a sharp reminder about the cunning, baffling and powerful nature of alcoholism and that I must remember that he is very sick and maybe this is all part of his HP's plan to get him to face up to his sickness.
I am thankful for my Al-Anon tools and being able to deal with this betrayal of trust by putting it where it belongs, another step on my journey and one that it is not worth wasting emotional anger and resentment on. I'm OK - life moves on and I have learnt another lesson from this awful disease
It has been a long road for me- I kept recycling faulty rationalization to accommodate my deep desires for him to be trustworthy. He was and still is very much active and steeped in his addiction. I felt stuck for years, insisting that it was my (now) exAH holding me back. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Now I am certain that my exAH made it incredibly challenging, but it was me that was grinding in the same rut trying to force things that kept me stuck. It was baby steps every inch of the long road until I finally am relying on myself and strengthening my relationship with my HP.... I am finally "unsticking". For me it meant letting go on a whole new level.
Keep coming back, work the steps with a sponsor, and be gentle with you. In support.
I was reading your post, yes knowing where it was going and of course hoping like you it wouldn't go there! You sound so healthy in that you are counting the positives--no one seriously hurt, plice will deal with him, ignoring the txts and calls--self pity--how many volumes could we all write about that one?!
A lesson learned, because we forget and setting a new boundary. Must make a note to myself to never let him
feed the cat again.! Also when we don't see the alcoholic every day we really don't know what progress or not they are making and where there life is. They are very clever and masters of deception.
Best to you,
Bettina, havent posted for a long time, been so busy.
Thanks for your thoughts - yes I am through rationilising and really couldn't have seen this one coming, cars insured - damage will be repaired and should not cost me. Sad for him, but he must face the consequences whilst I quietly and gently move forward with my program.
Its a journey and metaphorically we all 'crash' along the way. Got to a good meeting today, as always it lifts my spirits and reminds me to focus on me
So glad you won't have to experience a financial setback with this issue, got to a meeting, and are feeling good about where you are in your journey today. Thanks for the update. Good to see you at peace with all this.
((((Finn))))...no value in being hard on yourself...you practice open trust however the person you trusted went beyond expectations. I wouldn't feel sorry for him cause this will be another valueable lesson. Let him feel it all and whether he knows it or not his HP is abiding him. I loved learning how not to be soooo sensitive and defensive about the "not knowing" and letting life on life's terms evolve. As cars go my wife's car has been hit 3 times one being a hit and run in a church yard...Go figure!! The last one a week ago. She comes home from work and tells me "you have to go take a look at the car" I say "Why"? and she says "because someone hit it and left a note on the windshield." My response was "that was nice of them you'll have to call them as soon as possible to get it fixed". She has. She's in the same AFG program I am and we have the same home group...she knows what her part is...sometimes I just have to stand at arms length which is enough distance to allow HP to be in the middle. Trusting is a crap shoot...sometimes I can't even trust myself. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
See if this feels right (no beating yourself up or judging yourself!):
Resentful: I'm resentful at my ex-A because he smashed up my car while he was supposed to be watching my cat.
Selfish: I wanted someone to take care of my cat so I could go have fun.
Dishonest: Trusting someone when I already knew it was a bad idea. Unreasonable expectations Gave him access to my car (keys) when I knew he was trying to stay sober with no program then blamed him when he did all he knows how to do. Kept going back for more (you covered this yourself - good!!)
Self-seeking: called the police on him to punish him when I'm the one who set the ball rolling, gossiped about him to validate my resentment (did you?)
Fear: of not getting what I wanted
Inconsiderate: Never should have darkened this guys doorway again after we broke up.
As someone else here said, the 12 steps are not be bash ourselves, we just want the truth - because that's where God is. Best
Thanks for the positive thoughts, I really am glad I shared and it is that process that makes it whilst no exactly a breeze to 'forgive and forget' rather just to deal with the reality of what has happened and remember that it is just another experience on my journey of recovery and I move on.
'Working through it' - not sure if your statements are designed to get me to take look at 'my part' or an attempt to 'take my inventory'? If the former then I have & do, not to beat myself up but to see if I have inadvertently overlooked or changed my boundaries, if the latter then maybe not very Al-Anon?
Resentful - No, accepting its happened - yes and a lesson learnt. Selfish - well maybe I have a right to be a little, self sacrifice only leads to resentment anyway. BTW the trip, whilst pleasant was for work, not fun. Dishonest - Maybe a bad idea because he is not in recovery, and as has been stated by others as I don't see him it was perhaps naive to think he would be sober. Unreasonable expectations - He did have my door keys, not my car keys. Do I blame him? Well I know he has done what he has, but don't think blame is what my share was about. Self - Seeking - ah I didn't call the police, they called me after he was arrested. This is a police prosecution, not mine. Being law abiding the law must take its course. As for gossip I have not told anyone apart from sharing my story in Al-Anon, interesting take on 'gossip'. Not sure if being honest with the law officer counts as 'gossip' Fear - what did I want? That the cat got fed, our cat BTW from when we shared our life. Inconsiderate - maybe - probably best that I didn't maintain contact, but as he has bi-polar just maybe I have a little compassion and empathy for his condition
I don't mind my thinking being challenged, I often need it but just maybe I don't have to agree with everyone in this great fellowship and that is a blessing not a curse
