The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today, after a recent counseling appointment and reading Courage to Change, I am realizing how much of my struggle is deeply rooted in two things: self-doubt and fear.
I am 4 years into a Recovery process. I admit that I feel I should be farther along, as a recovered person. I will acknowledge that I am in the middle of multiple top rated life stressors: divorce, moving, and job transition (as well as single parenthood, with little help from my family). Perhaps I should cut myself some slack, but I more often use this to beat myself up - I am here, because I am here. My choices, my issues, insecurities and perceptions (my character defects) have led me to this point in my life.
I might feel better if this were the point at which I had DISCOVERED recovery, but it is not.
I am leaving my 4 year marriage to an abusive Alcoholic. What I have read about abusive relationships tells me that this situation has distorted my perceptions about everything. However, again, it was I who brought myself here. I chose him. I allowed myself to be "taken in" by him. I was tired, grieving, and all too trusting when we met. I did not listen to my inner wisdom or my higher self.
My soon to be ex has ramped up his time in counseling, stopped drinking, is living with his parents until I move out (next week) of HIS house (he cannot contact me due to a protection order). He uses these things to try and demonstrate that he is well, and fit to have my 3 year old with him. He uses these things to try and demonstrate that I am over-reactive, anxious, overprotective - that I am crazy for accusing him of being abusive. He suddenly becomes the yearning father, the victimized husband whose wife has left. Next week I will move out of the house that we became a family in, that I had a child in. It only really felt comfortable to me, however, when he wasn't there - aside from the rare moments where he engaged and connected with my child and me as a family.
This is my opportunity to grow, to be free to create myself and my life via my HP's will. Yet, I mostly feel fear and self-doubt. Why can't I pull out of this?
__________________
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Also - I realize that I am, at times, dragged down by the fact that I don't want to leave. I believe that I love him, but am not sure if this is still me romanticizing the good qualities, because I have not been around him in 3 months. God, please let me gain clarity and let go, lest I be dragged.
I want to be able to reconnect with someone again, and have a life partner. I fear that this relationship has caused too much damage. If I cannot get him out of my head, I will only live by how he made me feel.
__________________
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Accept every single feeling you have now and ever have had and embrace them all with inconditional love. Accept no judgments from you or anyone about where you "should" be in your recovery. There is no pulling out of self doubt and fear, we just learn to do what we do in spite of the self doubt and fear. Even the most accomplished, spirtual, etc, people live with fear and self doubt...to try and eliminate any feelings we have is impossible...love 'em! When I begin to slog around in my mucky thoughtsshoulds, I rest and roll around in things that give me pleasure. If nothing gives me pleasure, I rest some more and know that "this too shall pass". When one day at a time does not work, I do one hour at a time. Living with an abuser has sucked the life force out of you and survival is exhausting...be gentle, be gentle, be gentle and surround yourself with loving people as much as possible. Take care
Oh, my! So much going on for you. My ex did the same to begin with after we divorced although he didn't live with his parents. He continued to abuse me following the divorce, but always in a manner that I could hide until somebody saw handprints on the back of arms and put 2 plus 2 together. They did for me what I couldn't do for myself then - said I was to tell my father what was happening or they would. Until that time, my family and his family all thought I was being a horrible person for divorcing him. He never did stop drugging/drinking and died when his brittle heart blew out at age 51. I struggled and still struggle with self-doubt, but that's not a bad thing because I can also end up being terribly self-righteous without a little self-doubt to keep me asking for feedback from my HP and people I trust. I struggle with pride - the kind that says I can do it all myself thank you very much - so a little dose of self-doubt and fear - can also help me avoid isolating and withdrawing from life.
He'll put on a shiny face for awhile, but it can't last. My husband - who didn't even pick up his kids when he was scheduled to do so - threatened me with going to court to win custody of the kids - all because he was sick and because he knew exactly how to hurt me in a way that also couldn't be seen. If it hadn't been for friends who could see right through his bologna and were there for me, I would might have become exactly what he was telling me I was(all fitting the abusive partner's behavior. They need us so that they can feel powerful.)
You are wise to go to meetings, wise to see a counselor (who is an objective voice in any possible court proceedings involving your child if needed), wise to reach out to others, and wise to trust that you are doing exactly what you need to do to continue healing and helping yourself out of a bad situation. Be gentle with yourself. You need a lot of TLC.
I, like you, didn't want the marriage to end and did love my husband, but we weren't good together. After the divorce, I grew, but he didn't. 20 years following our divorce (I never remarried), I could see how far apart we had grown and although I'd always secretly hoped there would come a time when we could remarry, it just couldn't happen. I can't say I made a mistake in marrying him - I have children and a grandchild that wouldn't have been the treasures of my soul without him. I can say that because of him and our marriage, I grew in ways I might never have done without the life I shared with him for 8 years. I didn't glamorize the good times because there weren't that many of them, but I am grateful for my children and the growth that came because of those very, very hard years. Many prayers for comfort and support for you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 29th of May 2013 09:21:38 PM
Be gentle with yourself. Some tlc is needed and keep coming here for unconditional love. Allow yourself time to grieve, forgive yourself, I say I did the best I could at the time. X
Been through the same. It's painful and it's a process not an event. These things really take time. As for not going to alanon, whatever you decide is ok, it's just that I know when things got busy in or outside of my head, That's when I needed to go Most !.. It freed up my mind which actually worked in reverse. It allowed more time for me in the long run. I know the feeling of still loving them too. For me, I am recognizing though it's been nearly two years. The pain of being out is finally becoming less than the pain of being in. It's crazy in that we have a child together and he refuses literally to communicate with me period For the sake of our daughter. It's insanity Completely. It's also a new experience for me, i'm learning as I go. I do know, however, he is not the answer to my sanity or my serenity. One day at a time. There are those fortunates who do seek recovery and reunite later. I just know after trying to think through every possible way we could be together, it comes down to he needs to also join me in making the decision to also turn his life and will over to hp. I don't see any other way for us. it's progressive and it's the behaviors and abuse that gets worse. sober or not without recovery !
the kind that says I can do it all myself thank you very much - so a little dose of self-doubt and fear
Thank you for this too grateful: I'm seeing tonight doing it myself is "Why" I felt self doubt and fear. When they say in Alanon we can't cause control or cure another. I know for me, I couldn't even control or change the effects in Me. Not because I was having a bad day, too tired, not thinking or trying hard enough but because without others, I couldn't change a thing. I really was powerless over Alcohol (people, places, things, Even Me) It wasn't until I turned Me into a We in alanon that my thinking began to change. Reassuring for me to remember when I'm feeling self doubt and fear it's ok. It's just a reminder to me I need others.
