The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There have been a ton of posts on here recently, with members struggling with trying to please / rationalize / understand the workings of their active A's....
I offer a gentle reminder of the infamous egg story....
The wonderful wife of an active A decides she wants to please her husband, so she gets up early and makes him two eggs for breakfast, sunny side up. She awaits him downstairs, and he comes down - looks at his breakfast, and is visibly angry. She asks him what is wrong, and he snarls "I wanted scrambled".
Not to be out done, the wonderful wife wakes up early the next morning, and makes him two eggs for breakfast - scrambled. She awaits him downstairs, and he comes down - looks at his breakfast, and once again is visibly angry. She asks him what is wrong, and he snarls "today I wanted sunny side up".
The wonderful wife is beside herself with angst, but comes up with a brilliant, fail-safe idea. The next morning, she wakes up early and makes him two eggs for breakfast - one scrambled, and one sunny side up. She is quite proud of herself, and eagerly awaits the arrival of her active A. He comes down - looks at his breakfast, and once again is visibly angry. She asks him, incredulously - "how can you possibly be angry, I cooked you one of each!!!", to which her AH replies "you scrambled the wrong one".
Humorous story, but all too true. There is often no pleasing an active A, and we need to stop trying to make "sense out of nonsense"; need to stop expecting "sick and irrational people to behave in healthy and rational ways"; and need to see our active A's with a large SSS on their foreheads, that stands for "sick, sick, sick".
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
There are also people out there - be they A's or not - who have a preconceived notion that nothing's going to make them happy, period.
Trying to please others, especially the ones who decide to remain un-pleaseable - is an exercise in futility. It's best for me to just try to be the best person I can be... the best person my HP would have me be, and that's it. This does mean be respectful of others, but definitely does not mean twist myself into a pretzel to make someone happy.
Unfortunately the egg store is absolutely true when dealing with an active A
I also agree with what Aloha says about people in the world who nothing will make them happy.
I will say that like it says in the greeting you can find your own serenity whether the A in your life is in recovery or not (paraphrasing). It takes boundaries, going to meetings, working the steps. I stopped trying to figure out my A and started learning how to live my life. The delightful part of this program is that it's reaches across all aspects of life when you work it!
My AH was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder recently and I found that I had to laugh at this story. Not because it was funny, but because I could relate and have been there, done that too many times to count. It took me years to realize that I couldn't make my AH happy, no matter what I did or how I did it. He always found ways to criticize, condemn, complain, etc and I always tried to make it right, to force happiness upon him. Now, he's floundering because I don't do those things anymore. Sad, but true.
There are also people out there - be they A's or not - who have a preconceived notion that nothing's going to make them happy, period.
with the above line. wow moment. I am seeing the attitudes. I see them in others through your line now that I've read it but only because I've seen so much of it in me. I am recognizing how My own attitude was One of the reasons I couldn't take compliments. A lot in my distorted perception. I had such an attitude when anyone would try to approach me. all I could see was the empty glass so to speak. Situations, events, etc., I remember often in my life others telling me it wasn't so bad but I never believed them; never saw it the same way. Half the time I didn't truly even look. I gave voice to my feelings in the moment, which were usually hurting. Had no idea my own attitude was causing me to criticize and condemn everything good I was told or looked at. Very closed mind. Only by grace it's beginning to open more. Now I'm recognizing that if others haven't changed Their Attitudes, It won't matter What I say because the Attitude is in Them and is Not mine to change. They will see it empty No matter what !
I love this And the egg story. More and more I am looking at how often I have tried to Understand. I don't need to Understand. I'm seeing tonight That is what made & Kept me sick for years until I became Entirely ready. I was Stuck in my Head obsessing for literally Years on the Whys, Hows, and What Ifs. It's All the Analyzing. It kept me creating a fantasy world and living in my head as opposed to Real life.
yes. needed to read that as i spend far too much energy try to.please someone who is unable to be pleased. someone who will undermine happness just to "be right", someone who chooses to be a victim instead of a survivor. its sad but oh so true. the many of us living with active a's just so want it to all somehow be ok. thanks for the reminder that they need to be ok first. but more importantly, i need to be ok.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
I can relate to this so much - this is just so true to me. But help me understand, when my husband is sober for a few weeks, should i still look at him with SSS on his face? He seems normal, but this egg story is what I am living. I dont know why i am trying to please him all the time by exercising, cleaning the house, cooking something good, etc It looks like I am looking for him to say something nice to me, and he doesnt. What should I do then? Just never expect a nice word?
Alcoholism is an three fold disease, Physical, Emotional and Spiritual When the drinking ends there is still the Emotional and Spiritual aspects of the disease that must be healed and addressed The AA program has outlined a program of recovery that addresses all three and is extremely effective. Participation in AA helps immensely and it is a process that takes time for the changes to manifest.
We who live with the disease also need a program of recovery We have lost our focus and ourselves Alanon ( modeled after) the AA program helps us in the same manner.
Taking care of ourselves becomes a important part of our lives because we are worth it. Exercise,eating right, getting enough rest, seeing the dentist and doctor are essential for your well being
It was at alanon meetings that I learned to break the isolation caused by the disease, connect with others who understood as few others can and to nurture and care for myself I learned that if I did this then I could love others without expectation
I hope you can find the time to attend face to face meetings . If not please attend the on line ones held here You are worth it
I love stories like this; lightens up life and unbunches the trousers, thanks!
Thanks mate- I just burst out laughing...