The material presented
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We're usually not recognizable when we step outside the usual dance and try a different way to behave in relationship to our A. His words are fairly predictable since you are holding firm with the move out plan and he's not sure he wants the freedom you've offered him. By refusing to do what we codependents often do - say one thing and do another - he's at a loss right now. What's your friend say, YF? Just keep your head down and keep going? I'll add to that AND you're doing well. You're almost there.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 28th of May 2013 05:44:24 PM
Having a sort of 'up and down' kind of day. The weekend was tough, AH has one more week in the house and has used some of his time to get some nastiness out toward me. I know he is hurting, I know deep down he probably has self-hatred going on, but it is tough feeling those things come at me ('I am sorry for NOTHING except you spitefully breaking up our beautiful family', 'you quit on our marriage', 'you have no capacity for love or joy'). Yikes--he says he doesn't recognize me at all anymore and misses the sweetness we had once, and then there are those statements as well; very tough.
Some of you are aware that during the past few months I befriended a close friend of my soon to be ex's who is now about 6 mos sober; once it was clear that mine wasn't ready for the program (friend got him to one AA meeting), we kept our friendship going but naturally things got confusing very quickly, for both of us--my brain is all over the place and his is struggling for sobriety every day (and has a girlfriend he isn't too happy with but nevertheless....). Anyway, we have another break period from any contact and I know that is right, but it's hard to give up that connection right now too.
So this is my big pity party post! I know I have to look at what is actually happening with positives-- I am working on gaining a peaceful, anxiety-free life, I am working on setting up my life so I can manage it financially, my kids seem to be doing okay with all of this right now, and deep down I think I knew we would eventually get to this point if the pattern drinking did not stop.
Thanks for listening--had to get out some of the dreariness I'm feeling tonight but please don't any of you take it!
We are getting closer to the official moveout next week and I know I'm on guard about that too.
I just want to share these are the stages of the disease reasoning with you .. it goes like this .. meekness (you are right I need help and I will get some), bargaining (if I do this can I stay?), then it moves to the nasty stuff anger and threats, there will be times of meekness and bargaining mostly try to remember it's the disease talking to you. None of it is personal, if he was healthy he wouldn't say these things or take these actions. Nothing else has worked so the ante gets up'd .. protect yourself always, have a plan B .. the whole they would never .. doesn't apply because you can't predict unpredictable behavior. ALL of it is unpredictable .. he's in an altered state of mind and I don't say this to scare you .. I do say it to caution you .. at any time if you feel unsafe it is ok to call the police and when he's taking things out I would encourage you to think about having someone OR the police there as he leaves IF you feel unsafe.
You are in my thoughts and prayers I know it's not easy .. hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Yes, I recognize that hurt thats going on with him, ex husband said the same thing that it was all my fault that our family was breaking up. He was a rage-aholic and a dry drunk thanks to his family upbringing. It was tough to here these things because I didnt have the tools to cope. He was very hurt and didnt know any other way to behave in the crisis. Denial was his middle name. I am sorry these words are hurting you, they are only words, you know the truth. Be strong, stand tough for your children.....Peace Oldergal
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
