ILD:

Right, okay it's not legal to let a 15yr old drive 100 feet...BUT I do notice that anything our As can seize on as a rationalization for their behavior will do.  Mine has admitted to spending (WASTING) money in bars all over this town and NY (he leaves out what may or may not have gone up his nose!), but has said he knows guys that spend money on techie gadgets, clothes etc...and he has been wearing the same suits for 5 years!  So I guess I'm supposed to equate guys spending money on business suits and new watches with spending thousands of dollars on booze and blow!!

That's the long way of me saying I can appreciate your frustration, hang in there!

YF

The critcism and nagging sound like Crazytown is back.

Of course one way to respond to "Is that legal?" might be: "You know -- you're right.  I thought that would be okay, but I think I made an error of judgment.  I'm not going to make that choice again."  That might be a response to criticism that your A would do well to imitate!

Of course I shouldn't be figuring out ways to one-up an A -- but sometimes it is satisfying.    And the real truth is that healthy people can reflect on their behavior and acknowledge when they make mistakes.  Not something my A has much practice at... 

 

 

I learn from metaphors...pictures...and was and still am able to see what's going on as if I'm watching a movie evolve.   Learning that alcoholism was cunning, powerful and baffling helped me to "see" what monster was in front of me roaring and screetching and clawing at me which helped me to turn my back and walk away from it...most of the monsters just made noise and never any sense.  The invitations to argue or get into insane discussions came around as a picture of me getting "hooked" by a fishing hook and line with the controller on the otherside trying to reel me in.  I remember getting fishing hooks in my fingers and such when I was younger and learned in the picture why I stayed and fought the line; it was because the hooks have barbs which really hurt when I tried to pull the hook out.  I learned to take the barbs off first and the hook came out easily without any pain.  Arguing with the alcoholic/addict  was about using the old metaphor my mom use to use with me when I was younger, "talking with you is like talking to the wall".   I dislike when someone patronizes me...attempting to look good and caring and nice even when they know that the relationship isn't in balance and that I have justifiable complaints against their behaviors.    For me, it's unjustificable to patronize and just not honest.  

Letting your son drive the car across the street and park it is display of trust...early trust...the kinds where both he and you learn from especially learn about skills and intuition.  If it is a part of training him that's positive; trust and skill work evolve.  Having your husband use it against you is a sign that he is holding a resentment and practicing envy and jealousy.  This is not being judgmental...it and more come from years of recovery and work in the recovery field.  If he is in AA suggest he go to a meeting and talk it up in the meeting and if he has a sponsor...call the sponsor also.  In the meantime don't you dare give away your own recovery...UH uh just don't.   In support (((((hugs)))))

Pushka nailed it....they ALWAYS deflect the attention (usually in a most negative manner) because then the focus is not on them. Don't let him intimidate you...we have all let our kids drive around a quiet neighborhood....and he's equating THAT with drunk driving? Just shows how out of  touch with reality he is. 

Another thing that happened yesterday is that he came into the den to ask me about a Visa bill. I had forgotten to pay it, it was 3 days past due and he asked about it. I hate paying bills late, I hate finance charges, and in the past AH used to freak out about stuff like that to the point where I'd be shaking and on the verge of tears. He used to lay into me about the late fees and finance charges and about how he hated throwing money away, etc.

Anyway, so yesterday he says, "It's no big deal, I just wanted to check and see if you needed me to take care of it." When I said, "OH, I did think I had paid that bill because I pay it at the same time as the other one from that bank and I saw the records and that one was paid, I must have missed hitting that 'send' button the second time or something." (Yes, I got defensive and felt I had to explain myself). He again says, "It's no big deal." And, when I turned to go to my computer to check on it and PAY THE BILL since it was overdue in the first place, he says, "I told you it was no big deal, I didn't tell you to pay it now, don't freak out."

Well, if I was going to freak out at that point, it was going to be AT HIM! No, he didn't tell me to pay it now but my own curiosity over what happened on the account was driving me to check and to pay it if it was late. Since I am in charge of paying the bills, I need to take care of it, I put that responsibility on myself and get disappointed if I pay something late, etc. But, him telling me over and over again that 'it's no big deal' was sending me over the edge. I felt it to be patronizing or something. Well, maybe that's not the word because I'm not really sure what to call it. Was he being nice? Or was it a veiled attempt at covering up his own frustration? Why did he have to go on and on about it? Couldn't he have just said, "Hey, I noticed that the Visa bill wasn't paid, can you check on that for us?" and leave it at that? UGH!

Again I'm going back to the deflection .. I find I help my A. I allow his crazymaking to deflect me when I react to an A being an A. I always now think first is he being a pigeon and doing what pigeons do? If he is then where am I at? Where is my focus and is it benefiting me? When I can shift my focus back to me then HE doesn't have any power over me that I haven't freely given him. Trust me he doesn't deserve or need anything like that from me, .. he is crazy and I know it. I just have to stick to my hula hoop. Hugs p :)