The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday I started thinking about my ex husband, my qualifier. Was thinking a little too much about the past I guess. A week ago I was contacted by an old friend I had not heard from since he and I had split in November. She lives with his best friend and coworker. I had to keep redirecting conversations as she kept trying to bring up things from the past and telling me about things that were going on now. She and I had not been close but were acquaintances. I am worried that things will get back to him and I want to keep my life private now.
All of this reminded me of him and so much that we had done together. It brought up so many memories. I started thinking of our past, the good times of course because those are what we think about when we have been apart for a while, those are what we remember.
I made the mistake of sending him a text message. I had not heard from him in several months now. I thought I was doing so good. Boy did I send myself spiraling backwards. He wants to talk, to see me, to know that I am ok. He is worried about me and my kids. All the things I guess he should have thought of before, when he chose this path. Now I am getting constant text messages from him. He wants to know that I am ok, how I am feeling, are the kids ok, am I making ends meet.
Things are just hard right now. Its stressful at my job at the moment. I love what I do but when disasters occur, it can be so stressful, constant high volume stress can really wear on you after a while. Not having someone to turn to is hard. I just miss having someone in my life right. I miss that friendship and balance when I was going through this kind of stuff at work. The disasters that require so much out of me at work. He had his good moments and having that friendship really did help me. I miss that. I know I should have not reached out to him. I did not even tell him why. Just said hi and that I was thinking of him. Immediately regretted it. Too late, had already sent the text message. Why oh why? I should never have done it.
Now to go figure out how to fix a dishwasher that quit working. Good times. Today can be a pity pot day. Been a while since I had one of those so I guess we are all entitled to one once in a while. I feel like I am going crazy. Work is hard and stressful. I like emergency services, but miss having a support system, someone that loves me, it sure makes those hard days at work easier to handle. I don't mind mowing my own lawn but am mad at him that I am outside using the weedeater and that it is not working right and that I don't know how to fix it. I am so angry right now that I am having to do this alone and its all his fault. That he abandoned me. How can you abandoned someone you claim to love? I just don't get it.
Yeah we all slip and slide sometimes, but just remember to dive back into your program, get to meetings and call your al-anon friends or sponsor. Keep making the next right decision and remember the bad things as well as the good so as to fully be aware of where you may be heading and read and write in your journal. Just know you are already telling yourself some very smart things in this post. Believe in yourself and take good care of yourself. We all want some amazing person to walk into our lives and fix the broken things within us as well as outside things, that person is within you, when I discovered I was looking around for someone to fulfill me and I was that person I was so empowered. We all need other people as well as our HP to guide us, but when we see ourselves as capable and strong people, not much can get in our way. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel-every bit of it. I've had the weak moments of letting them back in and when you give an inch, they try to take a mile. It sounds like you're doing great but we're human and we love crazy people. I'm having an angry, sad and lonely day too. It will pass. :)
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
I agree w Mrs Fixit--we have all been there and part of what kept us there was loving our As and all that goes along with it. I think Breaking Free is right too, these are the moments that for me are most important to: get to a meeting, do some reading, call sponsor, get with your program.
Sadly meetings in my area all are 7 or 8 at night and my shift starts at 6am so those are a no go for me. Just as the meetings are getting started I am headed to bed. As much as I want to be there I can't short my sleep that much, not when there is a high chance of being called in to work 2 hrs early with no notice. So, I have been reading, that is how I ground myself back into my program. I do good most days.
I think seeing someone that brought the connection of our past back to me started the downward spiral. And with having the stress at work, it just sort of kept the downward spiral going. I finally told him today that I did not want to hear from him, that I ask for no contact at all. I have not heard from him since. I am hopeful that tomorrow there will be nothing from him. I had thought I was over my broken heart. Guess I was being too optimistic. I wish it was easier to stop loving someone that hurt me so badly. You would think that the intelligent part of us would step back and refuse to allow people to hurt us, would acknowledge that someone is unhealthy for us, that our brain would protect us and we would just naturally move away from someone like that in our life. I mean, we don't look at a hot stove, know that its hot and would hurt us and still put our hand on it anyways, so why do we do this?? It makes no sense.
Ok, I will read some more tonight, I will focus on myself and I will hug my children again. Tomorrow I return to work for 12 hours of overtime (yep, still in major stress mode at work) and I am going to stop thinking about him. My life is moving forward and he is not a part of it anymore. I have a new future and it is going to be good.
It's important to recognize as well set backs aren't always setbacks in the true sense of the word. You had an opportunity for a growth experience. You were sad about the memories and see that is not where you want to be anymore. So ok you felt sad, angry and mourned the loss of a dream. You are human and that is normal. You did the next right thing and saw what is and is not healthy for you. Now is a good time to practice some self care and give yourself some time not to dwell just to feel. Feeling is not a setback. Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
