The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Welcome to the board. Good that he has told you he's been taking pills and good that you didn't go into denial when you smelled the liquor. Alcohol - as you know is a depressant - so who knows what came first - the alcohol and then the anxiety and depression or the other way around? In Alanon, we are sometimes told that "when in doubt, don't." From what I've read here, if it were me, I'd call his doctor first to report what you've discovered and how your son is behaving. The combination of meds/alcohol could be lethal and the doctor may be able to admit him to a hospital. Some people can drink but are not alcoholics. As an objective head here, I'm thinking that calling his doctor right away is a healthy step to take.
With that said, if you've done that and there is no immediate crisis that demands you move him out of your house right now, I suggest Al Anon meetings for both you and your husband. Considering the fragile state of your son - which may or may not be drug/alcohol induced or aggravated - I don't think I'd leave him alone by himself for now. So, you each might want to attend meetings separately for awhile. There is always hope in some of the darkest situations, so although things are looking very grim for your son right now - it can all turn around given treatment, time, and maybe a 12 step program for you and your husband and your son?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 27th of May 2013 01:04:54 PM
Our son 34, had a breakdown just before Christmas. His wife had left him, he had carried an enormously heavy load for several years. She was depressed and did nothing for herself or him whatsoever. He was supporting her, doing all the housework and cooking and holding down a very stressful and underpaid job for a nonprofit business. So he was struggling mightily and then he got fired and that was the final straw.
He has moved home as he has no money. He has been diagnosed with acute anxiety and depression and has finally, within the last two weeks, gotten into treatment.
While all this was going on his father had to have a shoulder operation which did not go all that well and so there was the stress of that along with our son's extreme shaking and crying and depression. Before this he has always been a dynamic person, has always held a good job, has traveled the world and so we do not recognize the man we have here with us.
Then about a month ago he confessed to his dad that he had been taking his percoset because they made him feel better. His dad refuses to take any pain drug stronger than tylenol as he is afraid of addiction ( he had a drinking problem forty years ago and knows what addiction to alcohol is.) We had not noticed the pills going down as they were just put aside. Needless to say we were heartbroken but took this as a one time thing.
But for the last several weeks I have suspected that there is something more going on and yesterday I could smell booze on his breath. Today I went into his room and he has eight liqour bottles stashed away.
We are ready to kick him out but don't know where he will go. He has no money, no friends in the area, nothing to depend on. We are devastated and dont know what to do and whether we should kick him out, lay down very stringent rules or what. Is this what he is always going to be or is it due to his mental condition. Please, if you have any insight we would so appreciate it.
Thanks so much for your response. His doctor is 100 miles away and can I call her without his consent? I know that there are strict privacy rules. However I am going to try.
The only immediate demand for him moving is what this is doing to his father and I. We are both in our late sixties, his dad is still recovering from an operation and I know this has not helped that along in any way. We have crafted a letter for our son laying out the 'house rules' so to speak . He is going to have no further access to our vehicles even if we are out in the country because our insurance will not cover drunk driving.I will have to find an al anon meeting somewhere in the vicinity. My husband has not had a drinking problem for many years now as we simply do not have it in the house and do not even drink socially.
I agree that he needs more help than he is getting- just do not know what is the right course to go without alienating my son altogether.
I'm so sorry this is happening, and glad you have found us.
I agree that Al-Anon meetings for you and your wife would be very helpful. These situations are never resolved in a day, and finding the tools to deal with them will be of immense help.
Now that you know some of what's been going on, it may be that the big picture is something that only your son knows. That is, it may be that he was overwhelmed and had a breakdown and moved in with you and turned to drugs and then to alcohol. Or, it may be that he was overwhelmed with his job and situation, and turned to drugs or alcohol long ago. That may be why he was fired. Or it may not -- no telling. Trying to detox from the alcohol or drugs at your house may be why he was shaking. I've seen people in great distress and shaking isn't usually part of it, in my limited experience, so that may be a clue that something physical was going on.
It is so tempting to ask the person, "Okay, come clean, tell me how this has all been going. What have you been drinking or using?" But the thing is that addiction distorts people's thoughts, and the chances that they'll have an honest answer are small. Denial, secrecy and deception come with the package, sadly. Despite this, I was determined to get my husband to "confess." He never did and it drove me crazy. I just mention this because "getting the truth" was my first impulse, but it's kind of distracting from the real situation, which is that you know something is going on with use of drugs and alcohol, and that something is interfering with healthy functioning.
The next step might depend on your son's attitude to all this. I know there are some places that take folks who have had nervous breakdowns, and of course there are many rehab places. If your son is early enough in his substance abuse that he sees the need to go to one of these places, that might be a helpful way to move forward. If he's in denial ("I'm not drinking!" or "No problem, I can stop!" or whatever), then you have a different situation. The way I see it, it is reasonable to lay down rules for how to go forward if he wants to continue living in your house. "Stop drinking right now" is probably unrealistic. He would need a support plan. So "Start therapy within two weeks, start attending AA within a week, and no drinking" (or something like that -- not saying which specifics are right) is more reasonable. But for your own sake as well as his, the rules need to be very clear, and you need to have a detailed and doable back-up plan for what happens if he doesn't follow them. Because that is a strong possibility. For more sense of what kind of rules/boundaries are helpful, I do hope you'll find a good face-to-face group (they say to try 6 because they're all different). And keep coming here and reading all the threads, and get the literature at the meetings and read it. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews has also been helpful to many people. Wishing you the best.
I know what your going through. I have a 35 years old son that I had to let go of. I set my boundaries last November and I have stuck to them. He knows he can't come here if he is drunk and he knows I will not enable him ever again. I'm lucky in that he hasn't lived with me so kicking him out is not on my plate and I thank God for that.
The rules your going to set are good boundaries for both you and him but you must stick by them. I didn't and it cost me my sanity. Now with boundaries in place we both know where we stand and its my son choice if he wants the life he is leading now. I will give him the respect to live his life the way he wants.
My son also has the acute anxiety and depression but because of the drinking.
Detach with love......
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
His doctor needs to know, have your son confess to his doctor, and follow up on that. Al-Anon is an excellent place for you and your husband to start, not just one parent both parents, so you are both on the same page. You can start reading immediately online about Al-Anon 12 step. I would give your son some ideas like; you need to visit and learn about AA and NA, along with his Dr's care. Then think about what you and your husband would like to see happen in YOUR home and set some boundaries (rules) that you and your husband can follow through with, and please stick to them. Your son is somewhat lost and needs some structure, and examples of how sober people live, to fight this horrible disease....All of what I have written are only ideas of what I would do for one of my sons if he was sick, take what you like and leave the rest. Good Luck, and Welcome to MIP, keep coming back....prayer is also so important ...
In support Oldergal
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
100 miles away is quite a distance for treatment. Whew! Any chance your son can see a physician closer to where he is now? I'm not a lawyer, but I don't know of any law that keeps family members from calling a loved one's physician to share what we are seeing or experiencing as a direct result of our loved one's physical, mental, emotional issues while being treated for something. You know your son. I don't. So, calling the doctor on his behalf is a decision you may want to weigh, but if it were me, I'd do it whether my sick kid liked it or not if they were living in my house, eating my food, asking for my help, and taking drugs and alcohol together in my bedroom on top of prescription drugs. But, that's me.
I've called for an ambulance when my very, very sick father tried to convince me he was so much better from the flu although he couldn't eat, couldn't get out of bed easily, and couldn't get up from the bathroom floor after falling while trying to use the toilet. Frankly, I didn't care about HIPPA or how my Dad felt about my interference. I'd rather ask from help from medical assists when confronted with a sick loved one than let them handle it all by themselves when I can see they aren't even able to sit up straight. Call me bossy and controlling in those kinds of situations, but that's me.
I know this has got to be a very, very difficult situation for you and for your husband. Good luck as you deal with the various issues presenting themselves to you at this time.
I've called Al Anon and we are going to a meeting tomorrow night- hubby and I that is. We are talking to our son tomorrow morning and not looking forward to it but it needs to be done as we can't go on living like this. I don't know if he is a chronic alcoholic or a binge one , I have no experience with this, but I guess we are going to find out.
The rule of thumb that we're taught to follow in Al-Anon is to look at whether or not the drinking bothers us. We can suspect our loved one has a drinking problem, but only they can really decide whether or not they are alcoholics. Personally, I am someone who can drink until I'm drunk and stop (learned this when I was in my early years although I don't drink now because I think its a waste of money and grew up). An alcoholic is someone who drinks and can't stop without help. My best to you as your pursue Al-Anon and as you encounter your son at tomorrow's meeting with him.
You have taken the right steps to guide you and your husband; contacting the this forum and finding an al anon meeting. At the right time, you will know what the next best step will be. It is wonderful that you all have the awareness that life has gone astray and there his help available. Best wishes.
