will I ever be me again? - Al-Anon Family Group

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

will I ever be me again?

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Second arrow. I think it was tara brach who talks about the second arrow. It goes something like this...we are hit by something that just takes us out and causes deep pain (first arrow)...but the pain can be aggravated by how we respond to it (which is the second arrow).

In your post I see you judging yourself ALOT for being in pain....all I can do is to ask you to remove that second arrow. You are hurting. It only makes sense to think about comfort (your AH) -- that is not sick...please don't shoot yourself with that second arrow of judgment. This is a deep and maybe even life-threatening wound. It's going to take time and rest to heal...

It only makes sense that you feel nothing / numbed out. It is how a person copes. I just totally shut down for a few months...slept and slept. At the time I thought I was losing it...but now I see that I was just really hurting. I had to shut down emotionally to survive it.

Please be kind to our Debilyn, Debilyn -- she is VERY special, and she is hurting.

RP

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb:

I agree w rehprof; one bit of advice that I got a LONG time ago was instead of fighting those sad feelings just accept them. Sometimes we feel sad, really sad, and there can be tons of reasons why but often the fight we put up to combat those feelings can aggravate it all even more.

It's been helpful at times to take my own temperature and say, okay I feel sad right now, that's alright, while I am feeling sad I am going to try and ___________ (you fill in the blank but for me it's 'take a run', 'work on lesson plans', 'bake something sweet for my kids' etc)

I'm still working on how I can turn my stuff over to HP also, but for me it's been helpful to say some prayers like a mantra as well--replace those sad thoughts best I can.

You have lots of love and support around you ((((((deb)))))))

YF

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb - I don't have much time but I just wanted to say to try and get out and find some "non evil" people in an alanon meeting. Human contact is a good thing yes. We all need it.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Deb: Remember childbirth? Strange question? Well, I can't help but wonder if right now you are going through yet another labor and delivery process - none of which is fun - and some of it when we do wish we can hit ourselves over the head with a hammer and load a gun to hold from our bed trained to shoot at any man (especially the one who impregnated us) who even looks at us with anything other than, "Whatever you want, love! Whatever you want. You're the Queen." We writhe. We moan. We walk. We talk. We stop talking. We don't care about our feelings. We don't care about other people's feelings. WE just want the baby to be born - AND NOW!!

Of course, it doesn't matter that we want it born now. It comes when it comes. But, we do everything we do because its all part of the process. What if right now you are in another birthing process? Only this time, you are giving birth to an even more beautiful you? This is a temporary condition and based on the size of your sense of humor which is written throughout your post - you're going to make it all through this delivery process in just the right time and in just the right way.

As far as the trouble you're in with the neighbor. When strange things like that happen to me (and I do need to be absolutely certain I really and truly didn't do something that brought about a particular consequence) that seem to have no real rhyme or reason to them, I figure its the work of HP getting me somewhere I wouldn't go on my own to accomplish something through me that is necessary for HP's creation. Maybe this is all the work of your HP - not to punish you or add more trouble to your life - but to benefit you and others? Just wonderin'.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I had pretty much a collapse after one devastating breakup. I was in bed sobbing uncontrollably and couldn't get out. A stern friend came over and said, "You're doing this for him? It can't be for him -- that guy who was never really available -- that guy who was so messed up in the head!" Of course I said, "But it wasn't his fault he wasn't available -- it was X, Y and Z..." But of course it was his fault that he wasn't really available. I had believed what he said, and what he undoubtedly believed. And I protested to my friend, "It wasn't that he was so messed up in his head! It was just that..." The kind of optimistic self-fooling that had gotten me in that place in the first place.

But then I was devastated that I had put so much hope and trust in someone who turned out to be hollow. My friend said, "Oh come on, he was just a random guy, why would you trust some random guy you were never totally with anyway?" Yikes, words I had trouble hearing. But I did think about it. I realized that I was reacting the way I did when I got separated from my parents in the shopping mall when I was three. Panic, end of the world feelings. Those are appropriate at that age. Because if your parents get lost you really are helpless. And my parents were never really "there" for me in the first place. So I've spent much of my life going around grabbing onto people sort of asking "Will you be my rock? Will you be always there for me?" But this was my need and not theirs. I put them in place of my HP, even though they were kicking and screaming. Or when it served their purpose or their self-image, they'd say, "Yes, I am your savior, you can rely on me." Well, ha!

I just say this because I remember those overwhelming feelings so well. But they weren't really about the man.

Take good care of yourself.

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

There are many good things in these replies. Thanks Debilynn for sharing because we all get to learn through your experience and we each gain a little more strength and a little more hope. It's so hard to have self acceptance for me. I went to a meeting last night and realized that part of self acceptance is accepting that we will feel pain. We will get hurt, we have defects and our lives aren't always the outcome of what we imagined in our minds. We've all felt that low at least I have myself. It hurts. Experience shows me to hang on when i'm going through that emotional mental spiritual tunnel. There is light at the end of it. Recovery is recovering what we've lost. Speaking of childbirth, I always hear we'll recover to the stage we were in when we first came into the world. The child is filled with hope; they know wonder and awe; they are curious; amused; they know nothing but unconditional trust and hope until something changes that. Will we recover ? as long as we keep coming back .. work the steps if we haven't .. read literature, get to meetings when we can .. become willing to find a sponsor, the answer could be YES. I used to think there was something evil hidden in me coming out of and through the spiritual sickness I grew up with. Have been waiting to find the one bad thing I was so sure was in me somewhere; I'm learning today, the one thing wrong with me is my thinking. It's distorted. Agreed, please try alanon; it's really very healing. Thanks for being so honest; your courage gives us permission to have the same!!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I got so much from these replies. I forgot to just accept it, it is how it is right now.

I was told I was crazy for such a long time in my life. I was too emotional.So I tried not to let things out anymore. It only proved I was crazy if I did get upset.

Then the internet came and I saw I was not the only one who liked to sleep outside more than inside, that I hugged trees, that I knew what animals needed and what they told me by their actions.

That it was ok to cry cuz something was so beautiful. That I loved to feel the sun on my, well, chest.

No it is not ok for me to be ok with feeling such horrible strong pain. I mean I had trouble really letting out how awful I felt. And still feel some too.

Part is that he and I have not met face to face. But we have met in our real true selves, our real us, insides for many years. I don't care if he walks funny and laughs like a donkey, I like and love this man. I adore him, I feel adored until he started not sharing with me. He does not understand the things he feels about his family, all he know is how to say what is happening. But he does not know why. I was able to fill in a ton of things so he does get it. I know people. From years and years of experience.

anyway I know you guys are right. things go so much better in my life becuz of what you guys share all the time and when I get to be the receiver of your experiences.

I gotta be a big girl and iniciate a conversation with the head of the dep sheriff dept tomorrow. I want this charge dropped. Number one, I never was asked my side. Number two, she already had a warning of no contact with me from a sargent so SHE should have never pulled her car up to me or talked to me. If she followed that order,nothing would have happened.

She is suppose to be charged NOT me.

I have felt so weak so out of it. Still am, but tiny by tiny am better. Am sleeping hard, and long.

If I had not learned it here, I would have been impulsive and ran to ex AH. that was a dumb thought...geez.

I am sitting here looking straight out my slider door to the mountain. the horses are playing and running with tails high, Bundles the tiny Netherland dwarf bunny is hopping around, and running, following a teenage kitten who will stop, turn around and bob him! That just makes Bundles want to bug him more! lol

Augie and Prudance my piglets, five mo. old are rototilling everywhere with their snouters, with chickens and the duck eaten all the fun snacks they turn up....barn swallow are all over dipping in the pond. its eden here.

I do keep busy, cleaning up more mess from the icker tenants. Feel like a broke down machine that picks up things and moves them here so they can be moved there.

I appreciate the fact I can share here, show my weaknesses and ignorance, yet feel respected when I share my experience with someone. guess I am not a total loser. hahaha. My stomach is still feeling awful. but then I was stupid and ate some nuts...ugh

hugz, debilyn who is sick of car insurance and gas, so is taking the bus here and there......

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.